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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Read between the lines

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: How to write a really awesome news story.

I swear to God that I did not make this up. This may seem hard to believe, especially after last week's fake editorial, but I promise that this is real. My analysis is in bolded text.

Chillin' on Youtube

Awesome headline, man. You are SO ROCKIN'. I'm digging the sly reference to life in the Arctic and the way you've artfully misspelled the name of the company you're writing about. It makes me think that I am, like, ACTUALLY on the Internet. Well played.

[Name withheld]
[Name of news service withheld]

[Name of town withheld] (Jan 10/07) - Winter nights must be getting long when surfing becomes one's pastime.

I am protecting the guilty here. Never say that I am unkind.

Now, on to the lead (or "lede", as some purists spell it). That is a great trick: writing about boredom in a boring way. I already feel like I'm bored! They say only the great writers can achieve this. My hat is already off to you, sir.

Started in February 2005 by some California kids, the Youtube website became an overnight sensation by allowing anyone and everyone to post and download video-footage -- homemade or bootlegged -- all for free. A year and a half later Google purchased the site for $1.65 billion.

While Google is hammering out the legality of providing bootlegged posts, the best stuff on Youtube is of the homegrown variety.

Omigod, this is like, TOTALLY the Internet and nobody cares if you spell names correctly! UR so sexxxy! IM me!

I'm loving the misplaced hyphen. Hyphens are sooooo sexy. I could totally dump a barrel of hyphens all over myself and post the video-footage on Youtube.

After downloading scores of former tennis pro John McEnroe's infamous on-court outbursts, this reporter searched for [name of town withheld]-produced entertainment. Surely our creative capital could deliver some fun?

I TOTALLY GET IT. Scores! John McEnroe! You are SO FUNNY! I could just rip that shirt right off you.

And yes, there was a veritable, er, gold mine of video posts by [name of town withheld]ers and [name of town withheld]-lovers on the famous website.

The "gold mine" comment is HILARIOUS. It is so smart. I LOVE the fact that you've placed an "er" in front of it, so we KNOW you're writing with a wink. I totally would not have caught the reference to local gold mines without that. I really like it when I don't have to think about what I read. Thinking is so unsexy.

Posts include everything from a helicopter tour over the city, to a Folk on the Rocks mini-documentary to the obligatory "Northern slide show."

You know what else is overrated? Commas. Who needs them? Not me, that's for sure!

But after a review of most of the more than 70 posts, credit must be given where credit is due.

"How to harness a Canadian Eskimo dog," in which an enthusiastic [name of town withheld] gentleman promises a 15-second harness demonstration, deserves some recognition on the homegrown humour front.

"You can tell you're getting better at this, honey," shouts the man's spouse around the one-minute mark while the dog jumps all over him. The appearance of subtitles, necessary to highlight dialogue over the yelping dogs, definitely gives this effort a comic-touch.

Viewer comments for this post, often as funny as the videos themselves, include one from MikeSch0815: "Show us how you harness a complete team!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That is HILARIOUS. Can you hear me laughing? I'm laughing here! And remember what I said about misplaced hyphens? They're still sexy!

A series of b-ball escapades featuring local youths kickin' it out large, titled "Chillin'N'illin" are full of sweet moves edited to sweet sounds culminating in an epic trampoline slam dunk exhibition. Nicely done, kiddies, especially since there were no apparent injuries in the making of these short films.

Whoa. Did you just do what I think you did? Did you just mix street talk with a reference to ancient works like the Iliad and Paradise Lost? That takes style, man. That is off da HOOK.

In a somewhat more serious-yet-no-less-cool sports post, Weledeh school's boys 2006 basketball and indoor soccer successes are featured in a highlight reel set to hip-hop.

Now, fellows. No need to push. There are plenty of hyphens to go around. Everyone will get a turn. A gal like me needs breathing room.

They're nice memories for these guys and they're now available for all the world to see.

Several peeks into "Life in the Woodyard" are also available including "Inside Ryan's Shack" in which we learn that he has "got two propane tanks now." No need to double-long-john it now, eh Ryan?

It's like I'm RIGHT THERE. As if this video was not exciting enough, I now get the play-by-play! You are SO AWESOME. This is definitely a public service. Can't we get some government funding for these reviews?

Want something hipper? How about the "Royal Rave" in which viewers get a sneak-peek into Tony "SnowKing" Foliot's snow palace during a disco dance?

I could go on and on but why not check out, type "[name of town withheld]" into its search engine and see what you're missing.

You could go on and on? Gosh, I never would have guessed. Wait, do you mean that this amazing video service is available for ANYONE to search? This is a day of shockers. This is like, NEWS, man.


Amy said...


Anonymous said...

I think I can guess who wrote it -- MWB, by any chance?


Steve & Megan said...

Hah! Nope.

If you have yesterday's paper lying around, you can find out for yourself.

Or is that yesterday's-paper? Hyphens are hott.

Seriously Frivolous said...

Don't you wish those unconstitutional drivers who don't out their headlights on would run over the editorialist?

I do.

By the way, I loathe the word scofflaw. It's sounds so Grandpa Simpson to me. And something this editorialist would pull out to look like an intelligent, upstanding citizen.

Yet I remember the party he drank all our obscure booze we had for martinis. Scofflaw, indeed.