This should really be on the Uriel blog

Reader-submitted question: I'm not sure how you are taking Edward Current's comments. As I watched this video, it became apparent that Ed is being facetious. For one thing, he calls the Bible "unerrant." The word used by those of this opinion is "inerrant." For another, he blatantly points out conflicting instructions given in the Bible and just says (and I paraphrase), "Accept the contradictions and act accordingly." No inerrantist would say this. They would claim very loudly that there are no *real* contradictions in the Bible, only *apparent* contradictions. They would then go through a great song and dance explaining why the contradictions aren't "really" contradictions.

So my question is, are you a biblical inerrantist or not? If you are, then I can see why Ed's video is bothering you. If you are not, then maybe you aren't picking up on his facetious tone, and you are bothered by the fact that the Bible might be inerrant but that you haven't believed this up until now, and you are wondering if God will condemn you for your lack of inerrantist belief.

Yeah, this should definitely be on the Uriel blog, but I don't want to break character over there.

Edward Current is a satirist. He and Uriel have a lot in common: many people think they are serious. They are not. It is all in jest.

Uriel is currently going through a crisis that was brought on when she showed kindness to a traveling missionary. When she meets people who follow other religions, she usually spits on them and tells them they are going to hell. For some reason, she actually listened to this guy's stories and realised that he has a holy book that says the entire book is true. She is not sure how to handle this. She is comforting herself by spending even more time than usual on the Internet, trying to find someone who will tell her what to believe. She thinks Edward Current is her soulmate. In a way, I guess he is.

I'll bring Uriel back when I figure out what to do with her, I promise. However, your questions still deserve answers.

Uriel is an inerrantist. She is also a member of a splinter sect that meets only on the Internet and uses the Bible along with several other "holy" books that have been passed along through the generations. Of course, they all exist only on the Internet. She believes that the hard copies were destroyed by the government because they were TOO TRUE. She also believes that you cannot trust hard copies, because they have both jots AND tittles. Online versions, on the other hand, are completely electronic and much more accurate.

Everything in those books (well, websites) is 100% true. None of it is metaphorical. As you point out, she goes through a song and dance trying to figure out how it can all be true when it clearly isn't.

I personally am not an inerrantist. Thanks for your question.

Finally, Uriel makes an impact

If you haven't been over to NWT Blogs, you should. The fabulous and uber-talented Amy has reworked it as a megafeed with about 15 different NWT blogs. It's a great way to see many blogs from this region in the same place.

She called the other day and said that the program she uses scans posts and automatically generates tags based on the content, increasing the font based on the number of posts with that auto-tag. I can see that Uriel is having a real effect on the list. "Atheists", "heathens", "lake of fire" and "perverts" all feature prominently. I will let Uriel know that she has finally conquered the Internet. Maybe this will make her stop picketing City Hall, although I doubt it.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

Reader-submitted question: I am impressed with Flame of God: didn't think there was that much fire & brimstone that close to the pole, but you seem to be carrying the torch admirably (heh). I have to wonder, though, how many of the people you are targeting actually appreciate which side of the skewer they are on, god bless 'em.

Interesting question. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Uriel's about fundies, not your normal mainstream Christians. I happen to know several of these, and they are quick to distance themselves from the personality you'll see over there. They'll send me messages that are clearly intended to reassure me that they're not fundies, like Ha Ha! That was hilarious! or Man, those people rot my socks. Thanks for pointing out that they're hypocrites.

Uriel popped into my head the day after the 2006 American election. I used to keep those posts here on this site, but I set up the other blog about a year ago after lots of people didn't get the joke. Somehow they were able to see that the Hasselhoff worship is all in fun, but they knew or knew of too many people like Uriel to be sure that it was satire.

Her blog gets almost no comments, so I honestly don't know what her readers think of it. A few Christians have contacted me to say that it's insulting or completely unrealistic. Most of the posts are based on something somebody's saying or doing, so I don't accept that it's unrealistic. I think the people who don't like Uriel would be better off dealing directly with the real-life fundies who are making their entire religion look bad.

Uriel doesn't specify which religion she's in, but she's based on real people in North America, so that doesn't leave many options available. That said, I don't consider her a true Christian, and neither would my friends who call themselves Christians.

Thanks for your question.

Actual Google keywords people are using to find the Uriel blog

• JPod Jesus
• chariots of flame hell
• JPod hell

I love my site tracker. Not only has it tipped me off that this blog is under surveillance by the forces of evil (you know who you are), but it tells me how people get to the site. The Uriel blog gets some interesting visits through Google. I wonder what these people are really looking for and what they think when they get there.

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

NOTE TO NEWCOMERS AND HUMOUR-IMPAIRED: The Uriel personality is a joke. You can read more here.

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":



Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:



Or this:



I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.

You ask, I answer: Part 3

Question #3: Uh, you know Uriel? Are you making fun of me? Do you really think this is what I believe?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. How delicious.

Here's the thing with Uriel: She's not real. Her distinguishing feature is that she believes that she alone knows what God wants. See how different this is from what you believe? Oh, you don't see a difference? Well, that changes things.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I adore the Uriel character, but it takes time to work up that level of anger, so I don't do much of her. Don't worry: she's not Catholic or Anglican. I don't see her as belonging to any organized religion other than perhaps a fundamentalist group that meets only on the Internet.

The scariest part is that I haven't made up anything she says. Every statement she makes is similar to things I've read or heard others say. Same with her attitude -- she's not even among the worst I've seen. Uriel hates everyone in the world who disagrees with her interpretation of her holy book, and she takes great pleasure in imagining their eventual demise. Her only regret is that she won't be around to witness it, because she (naturally) will be among the saved.

I have to be pretty mad about someone's hypocrisy to do a Uriel post, so there aren't many of them.

Although I think of the character as female, I stole her name from a male archangel. Uriel's not named in the Bible, but is thought to be the angel with the flaming sword outside the Garden of Eden. He also holds the keys to hell. I'm sure you can see why the name is appropriate.

Now you ask if I think this is what you personally believe. Since this blog's readership is limited, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not. But don't kid yourself into thinking that others don't think this way. And yes, I am making fun of them. And yes, they do deserve it.

Mark 5:13

Good afternoon, cloven-hoofed demons:

Yes, I am sick again today.

Fortunately, I know what is wrong with me. Michael was sick two days ago. Obviously, the evil spirit that was possessing him went into me.

Don't laugh. For starters, it is too cold to start a fire, let alone make a burnt offering. Besides, the last time I burned muskoxen on my outdoor altar, the bylaw officer ticketed me and I had to explain myself to a justice of the peace. HEATHENS!

I really thought the rapture would have happened by now, but apparently my calculations were off. We must press through our anguish and carry on. I have turned my attention to something much more pressing: the indoctrination of other people's children. If other people won't scare their children about hell, I will just have to do it for them. It is really not a problem. I happen to have a few extra hairshirts lying around anyway.

Our first concern, of course, will be to ensure that schools teach facts, rather than ridiculous theories, in science classes. For example, some people would have you believe that I am sick because invisible creatures came into my body through my nose or mouth, and that other invisible parts of my blood are trying to kill these creatures. Of course, none of this can be directly observed, and if you press these so-called "scientists" on this, they will admit that this is just a theory. You heard me. A THEORY. So it might not be true. Therefore, my alternative explanation that an evil spirit is living inside my body wins by default. If I could only figure out how to cast out demons, I would already be back at work.

You would not believe it, but in some schools, children learn that earthquakes happen because the earth is covered with gigantic plates that move back and forth. I was horrified too. We all know that earthquakes happen because God makes the earth open up and swallow people. Unbelievable. These same teachers also claim that millions of years ago, the continents were in different places, but slowly moved to their current positions. There are so many problems with this preposterous claim that I'm not even sure where to start. Just for one thing, the earth is only 6000 years old (DUH!). And if the continents moved at all, it would be because God moved them. Just read Genesis 1 if you need any further proof. If you have any trouble finding it, it's on the first page of your Bible.

The final thing I want to mention is the ridiculous idea that the stars and planets condensed from sub-atomic particles. Now, I'm totally in favour of the Big Bang, because it is just like the Bible describes: first there was nothing, then God made the world. Totally believable. I don't need any more proof. But this whole idea that the stars and planets just made themselves? Ridiculous. Setting aside the obvious (that there just weren't billions of years for this to happen), nobody has ever seen it happen. We have lots of pictures of stars and planets, yes. But we have no pictures of a planet forming out of sub-atomic particles. That's because we know that by the word of God were the heavens made. Scientists are such liars. They even lie about the speed of light! I know this because they CLAIM that the stars in the sky are millions of light-years away. Right away, I know this is a lie. How could we possibly see them? Friends, you can be certain that you cannot trust anyone who will even lie about the speed of light.

The worst part is that although they cling to these theories, they openly say that they would change their theories if they found new evidence. Yes. I am not making this up. How can you possibly believe a person who openly admits that he might be wrong and that new evidence could make him change his mind? How many of these theories have already been proven false? I am just waiting for them to realize that the earth is not spherical: the Bible says it is flat and round, like a plate. Just look at any map from that time and you will see what I mean. The, um, satellite photographs did shake my faith, but only for a moment. I am confident that they will soon be exposed as hoaxes. When that day comes, I will claim the discovery as my own, just like I did with Piltdown Man.

A test in two parts: Part 2

Welcome back.

You did leave a comment, right? At the very least, you thought about what your reaction was, right?

Now, for the results:

Some people think Uriel is funny. Others think she is mean and unnecessarily targets vulnerable people just because of their religious beliefs, all for cheap laughs.

If you fall into either category, congratulations! You are not humour impaired, because you at least understood that the Uriel character is supposed to be funny and that I do not actually believe these things.

Sadly, more than a few of you have failed. Some of you are already making a mental note to start picketing influenza clinics, and others are wondering how you could have known me all these years without realizing that I am a crazy person.

I really do not know how to help you, but I've come up with a few ideas:

• I could label all of my attempts at humour THIS IS A JOKE.
• I could provide closed captioning for the humour impaired, like this: Only God can decide what's divine. He tells me what he thinks, so you can trust my interpretation. GOD DOES NOT ACTUALLY TALK TO ME. I AM MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY KNOW WHAT GOD THINKS AND THAT HE CONVENIENTLY AGREES WITH THEM.
• I could make people answer a skill-testing question before they can get into the blog, like the questions at the beginning of Leisure Suit Larry.
  

I am willing to accept other suggestions.

Lobbying

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Yes, it's been a while, and we have been hard at work here in the true remnant. In the middle of your life's journey, you may find yourself lost in a dark wood. That must really be awful for you. I, of course, am high on the Spirit.

I've been alerted to a terrifying poem called the Divine Comedy. Yes, DIVINE. What arrogance. Only God can decide what's divine. (He tells me what he thinks, so you can trust my interpretation.) Anyway, beyond this repugnant title, I am particularly disturbed by the fact that in this poem, not all of the godless sinners are in hell, where they belong. No, some of them are just OUTSIDE hell, in a vestibule of some type. I think you can see that it is time for some serious lobby work. (LMK-i-A's note: HAHAHAHAHA.)

This is particularly relevant now, as our governments consider providing the cervical-cancer vaccine to schoolchildren. As I think we all know, this vaccine changes children from virtuous angels into whores. I have already discussed the reasons why rubber gloves and safety equipment are leading us to hell. But now I think that compared with the destruction that vaccines have brought upon us, rubber gloves might just send people to Limbo instead. I am so horrified that I can barely type, but I will push through my anguish for the good of the saved. If one of the faithful were to be swayed, I don't know if I could stand the agony. Of course, I am secure in the knowledge that this agony would be much less than what you all are going to have to deal with in hell, so I'm sure I'll manage. But didn't you feel sorry for me? I sure did.

These radical doctors have held our society hostage for far too long. Did you know that they now vaccinate INFANTS? Yes! They do this against the child's will. Parents are subjected to scare tactics like threats that their kids won't be allowed into school. Meanwhile, so-called "public-health nurses" are injecting children with substances that will protect them against diseases like:

• HPV, which causes cancer of the cervix and penis. PERVERTS! Anyone who has HPV probably deserves to get cancer. I definitely won't be vaccinating my kids against it. There's such a thing as God's punishment, you know.
• Influenza, which causes respiratory complications and death. PERVERTS! Cover your mouth when you cough. Wash your hands a lot. See how easy that was? If you get the vaccine, you will think you are safe, and you will probably go around licking doorknobs.
• Tetanus, which kills more than half of the people who get it. PERVERTS! What are you doing with cuts on your body, anyway? Cover your wounds. Then you won't have to worry about tetanus. God just told me that this is his punishment for people who step on rusty nails. It's GOD'S WILL, folks.
• Meningitis, which causes kidney damage, paralysis, scars and death. PERVERTS! What, are you drinking other people's spit or something? Here in the true remnant, we never share water bottles. That's because we don't want to have to get this vaccine -- we are sure that if we got the shot, we would turn into whacked-out freaks with spit fetishes. We would probably think that we were safe, and we all know what happens when people think they're safe.

You disgust me. Not that this is anything new.

Book-burning

I was so busy planning my split from this evil blog that I almost missed this breaking news story. Just a fact of life here in the true remnant.

Laura Mallory, who is almost certainly in the running for sainthood, has been waging a campaign to ban Harry Potter from her local schools. She has alarming statistics that show that kids who read Harry Potter are more likely to try to cast spells. Goodness knows which of these spells might work. Clearly, these books are works of Satan. Saint Laura says she has not read them and does not need to read them to know that they are evil. Amen, sister! A teenager is helping her in this noble quest. The teenager went into a suicidal depression after she read the books and unsuccessfully tried to do the spells. If this isn't proof of Harry's evil nature, I don't know what is. If kids want to read, they should be reading the Bible.

It's time we contained this type of knowledge. Pile all of these books up and set them on fire. Use one of those burning American flags you're so fond of. As the flame blazes up toward heaven, the angel of the Lord will ascend in the flame. Every face from south to north will be scorched by it. I can hardly wait.

Everything’s been sold to others’ revolutions

Yes, I am the person you’ve seen picketing at the car factories in Detroit. And at the rubber-glove factories in Malaysia. And at the security-harness factories in Taiwan. I have been getting quite a lot of press about my signs that call for the president to cut federal funding to these industries and the sinful, sinful groups that buy their products. I figure that it worked for the AIDS funding we used to send to Africa to promote condom use, so it’s worth a try.

I am vehemently opposed to car bumpers. So is everyone else who goes to my church. Bumpers encourage bad driving. For proof, you need look no further than my car: When a stranger rear-ended me, which part of the car do you think he smashed into? The bumper, of course! He damaged his own front bumper and my back bumper. Clearly, he saw that we both had bumpers, and he decided that he could drive recklessly on our icy roads. And what did he learn from the experience? Nothing, of course! His car wasn’t destroyed, as any God-fearing car without a bumper would have been. He is probably out there having indiscriminate car accidents, leaving a trail of heartbreak. What a terrible story. It could have been avoided if neither of us had bumpers. Then we could have removed his DNA from our gene poo – I mean, we could have mourned this beautiful, created being, fully secure in the knowledge that we are much better than he is.

Rubber gloves are a sure ticket to hell. They encourage people to touch other people who are possibly infected with God only knows what. In MY day, we threw stones at lepers. We certainly didn’t touch them, and nobody gave us rubber gloves to “protect” us. I’m telling you, if people are sick, it is because they are supposed to be that way. It is all part of a plan that is so huge that your puny mind can’t comprehend it. Don’t touch these people. For goodness’ sake, don’t put on rubber gloves and think that you will be safe. I won’t allow rubber gloves anywhere near me, and I don’t recommend that you wear them, either.

The company that owns my building is doing repairs to the outside. This requires the use of scaffolding. I’m completely in favour of scaffolding, especially when used in the execution of atheists whose degenerate lifestyles have encouraged them to lead lives of crime. But in this case, the scaffolding is being used to allow the workers to reach the second floor windows. That’s OK; I’m willing to accept that. What I can’t accept is the fact that they wear safety harnesses. SAFETY HARNESSES. That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one. These harnesses are tools of the devil. They make people think they are safe. I bet that the people who wear them are actually LESS safe. They are probably more willing to take risks than the God-fearing workers who can be certain that they are risking their lives by stepping too close to the edge: “No need to worry about me! I’ve got my safety harness on! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” That sickening crash you hear is the tear forming in the Lord’s eye. People with crushed skulls aren’t allowed to enter heaven. The Lord saves those whose spirits are crushed, but I don’t recall anything about crushed skulls. Sucks to be you. Obviously, the way to avoid eternal damnation is to stay away from safety harnesses altogether.

I hope I’ve made you think about the horrors of your own deviant life. While you’re at it, pull out your checkbook and donate money to the president’s abstinence-only AIDS programs.

Pagan festivals

Greetings, stiff-necked sinners:

A few of you have asked about Michael's so-called Christmas concert and its obviously non-Christian purpose. You are correct: Tuesday's concert is not a religious occasion. And I could not be happier about it. You see, as soon as you bring religion into a school event like this one, you have to acknowledge OTHER religions, and I just can't have that.

Religion is the one thing that you can't mock, no matter how weird it is. You could say something that's obviously wrong, like that God forgives sinners like you, and I would have to nod piously and say "I respect that." Well, I won't be respecting anyone else's religion, thank you very much. Everything in my religion is true. I know this because my religion SAYS that everything in it is true. This is also how I can be certain that your religion is wrong. It's simple logic. We can't both be right. Therefore, you must be wrong.

You see, everyone here knows that you are constantly committing wicked acts to vex the Lord. I would expel you from this holy land myself, were it not for our liberal laws that allow you to stay. And I can't let you sully this Christmas season with your made-up religious stories. For this reason, I am selflessly willing to forgo my own 100% true religious stories. I can't allow you equal time. You might sway one of the faithful, and then only 143,999 of us would get to go to heaven. An empty seat in heaven is a tear in the Lord's eye.

So I'm just thrilled to attend non-religious school concerts and to greet you with "Happy Holidays". That way, I'm able to pretend that it's all about the one true religion, instead of the vomit-inducing tripe that passes for your own view of the world.

Getting closer

Friends, we are getting closer to the rapture and some of you are getting nervous. You have to trust me on this. If our own Prime Minister is saying the same-sex-marriage debate is over, the sky is sure to open soon. If there's anything that can't be allowed to sully this beautiful earth, it's gay marriage. Six thousand years of perfection have made us arrogant. We think we're smarter than God. And I could not be happier about it, because it means that you heathens are going to burn and I am going to get to live on a cloud with Jesus. I will probably get my own unicorn. You, on the other hand, will be picking dead animals out of the sea after it turns to blood. That won't be a problem for me: I'll be drinking living water. Sucks to be you.

This brings me to the concerns my readers have expressed. I've already reassured you that I've made arrangements for someone to take over the blog after I've been taken up into heaven. Apparently, this is not good enough for some of you godless sodomites. When you're not busy worshipping demons, you're hassling me about the identity of the person who will be taking over the blog. Apparently, you don't like ghostwriters.

Now, I don't think you're taking your situation seriously enough. Believe me, when the locusts are stinging you, this will be the least of your worries. You are going to be tormented with burning sulfur, and I will get to watch. I know how this makes you feel: I myself could burst with excitement just at the thought of it. I wish the president would just drop an atomic bomb and hurry things along, but apparently this is not to be. It makes sense, because no man knows the hour of the rapture, and I suppose that would include the president. In the meantime, we are forced to wait hour after hour after hour until 10:30 AM, when Wheel of Fortune comes on. Then we start waiting again at 11:00.

I am trying SO HARD to make things easier for you, and this is the thanks I get? You are definitely the WORST sinners I have ever met. I would have thought that you would be grateful for the help I've offered to you. Just wait until someone writes MOTHER OF PROSTITUTES AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH on your forehead. You'll be happy to have anything else to read, ingrates.

No, I am not going to reveal his identity. He deserves his privacy. If I tell you who it is, he will probably not be able to leave his house without having to fight off paparazzi trying to get pictures of his personal regions. You should be focusing on the log in your own eye before you try to pick at the speck in my eye. And trust me, it's a VERY SMALL SPECK.

A winner

I must admit that I have been overwhelmed by the sheer number of applications to take over the blog during the last days. (YOUR last days, not mine.) Clearly, I am something of an icon and many people look up to me. Heck, hundreds of people want to BE me. There were so many worthy applicants that it was hard to choose.

First, I must thank the dozen or so people who indicated that I would probably not have any trouble running the blog myself after the rapture. Your faith in me is admirable, but at this point we really do have to make plans, not congratulate each other about our greatness.

For privacy reasons, I will not be naming the winner of our contest. He does not need to be overrun with godless sodomites looking for my autograph. I am practically in exile already. Wandering in the wilderness, you might say.

We do have a clear winner. All of his meals include ingredients that were produced more than 100 miles from his home, so he's obviously an enemy of the environment. He leaves Arby’s wrappers in the back of his SUV. He listens to the Dixie Chicks, and after work he likes to unwind by setting American flags on fire with other burning American flags. He’s friends with Maureen Dowd AND Ann Coulter. He’s in favour of stem-cell research, but only to save the lives of other stem cells. He hates universal health care, the Barenaked Ladies and Tim Horton’s coffee. He has no idea who Ben Mulroney or Sacha Trudeau are. And he can’t seem to make up his mind about gay marriage.

I think we can all be quite sure that this fellow is doomed to the lake of fire. He’ll probably be thrown in twice. So you can rest easy, knowing that your daily blogging fix will still be available after I’m taken into the clouds. Of course, you might have to struggle through some liberal tripe for a while, at least until the earthquakes start and he’s blogging in the dark. But let’s face it, that’s probably all that’ll be available anywhere.

I brake for distilled spirits

I am still collecting applications to take over the blog in the last days. The signs are everywhere. I'm telling you, the sky is already dark here. How much more do you need?

I saw a fascinating bumper sticker the other day as I was driving to work. There's no better use for a $20,000 car than as a sticker book, I say.

Anyway, this particular sticker caught my eye.

In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned.

I must congratulate the writer for reaching a new level of snarkiness. I'd bow at his feet, except that I don't turn to idols. I'm leaving that for the person who wins my contest. This sticker is a simple yet direct way of making the following points:

1. I'm definitely going to heaven.
2. You are not. Otherwise, there would be no need for this warning.
3. I think there's a reasonable chance that the rapture will happen while I'm driving.
4. It's really funny to think about my car, suddenly driverless, plowing headlong into traffic. See how glib I am about it? That's because I think it's fun to joke about the deaths of innocents. Except that these people aren't innocent, so who really cares?
5. Too bad I can't put a warning on the front of my car too, so the pagans can see me coming in case of rapture. Oh wait, they are probably too busy living in debauchery to bother watching for my unmanned vehicle. Never mind.

Election

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Well, we all know how the election went. There can only be one conclusion. Clearly, the kingdom of God is at hand.

Yes, indeed. The rapture is close. 144,000 of us are going to heaven. The other 6 billion of you, along with billions of others who’ve already died, are going to burn. Get ready for fire, smoke and sulfur. The birds will gorge themselves on your flesh, and you will be tormented day and night forever.

But now is not the time for rejoicing. No, now is the time for planning. Obviously, someone is going to have to take over the blog after the rapture, because I won’t be around. Fortunately, we know that there will be a period of time after I’m taken up into heaven but before you burn in everlasting fire. That’s the time we must plan for, my friends.

I am now taking applications from people who are likely to burn. And let’s face it, just running the numbers, odds are that you’re one of them. I want to hear why you think you would be a good candidate to take over the blog after I’m taken up on a cloud for eternal rejoicing. And I don’t want to hear any wussy stuff about how you wear clothing woven with two types of cloth. I need to know you are really serious about staying on the earth during the end times AND keeping a record of your miseries. You’ll be dodging locusts, worshiping demons and gnawing your tongue in agony. What a fun time for you!

I’ll get you set up with water, canned goods and a lamp. You’ll need these things, because the water is going to turn to blood, the plants will be burned up, and the sky is going to go dark. There’s nothing in the Bible about losing your Internet connection, though, so that should be OK.

Taking applications starting…NOW.