"If I had money falling out of my butt, I would totally buy one."

Reader-submitted item: Okay, there's nothing naked or even DEAR GOD, I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT HIS CROTCH involved in this link. At all. I swear. It is kind of awesome, tho.

You're right: this website DOES have obvious drawbacks. However, in this holiday season, I think we can all agree that this would be the perfect gift.

Hello, Mr. President

Reader-submitted question: Didja know the Hoff became President of the US in an alternative future?

Okay, I can't beat this. You win.

Especially for Townie Bastard

Reader-submitted item: I saw this and thought of you.

What a masterpiece. We all thank you for sharing this with us.

"I don't have time to read through your past blogs."

Reader-submitted question: I'd like to know what the deal is with your Hasselhoff fetish.

Geez, do I not get enough hits from Germany? Now I'm going to get Hasselhoff fetishists, too. Thanks a LOT.

This is really a more specific version of the most common complaint I get: that my sense of humour is far too dry. The people who say this are usually quick to reassure me that they personally are smart enough to get the joke; they are just concerned that OTHER people won't understand.

I do have a very dry sense of humour, I guess. This never occurred to me until I started blogging, but I'm pretty sure that it must be true: dozens of people have independently come to the same conclusion. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you think I might be joking, I'm probably joking.

Explaining a joke usually ruins the humour in it. I don't really like doing this, but you DID ask, and I feel a certain obligation to respond to questions from readers. You can look away if you want to. This feels very man-behind-the-curtain-y.

David Hasselhoff is a running joke, as I think most of you figured out long ago. It started as a one-time joke that I didn't really intend to take any further. Somehow, I had stumbled upon what is probably the world's worst and yet most AWESOME music video:



I challenge you to pick the best part. You won't be able to do it. Every time you think you've found the tackiest scene, you'll change your mind because you'll see him in front of a green screen with a video of HIMSELF or something equally ridiculous.

I started to post about David Hasselhoff as his biggest fan. Although I didn't realise it at the time, this is basically the same thing the Knight Foundation does. My readers responded in a way they hadn't responded to my boring posts about journalism ethics: I think it was just weird enough to draw strangers' attention, although I hadn't thought of that when I started. It was silly enough to make people want to contact me, and I really liked that. I got the idea for the Being David Hasselhoff Contest one afternoon when I was working on something else, and I loved the response. People send me things in the mail, or e-mail me to say they've found a new website that is so bad it's good.

I really do like David Hasselhoff, at least some things about him. I love the awfulness of campy videos like the one above. I love that he somehow ended up doing all sorts of ridiculous and tacky things, like really bad movies and terrible (but AWESOME) posters. I love that he apparently poses for photographs with full-sized cutouts of himself. I am not a fan of America's Got Talent, which is awful in an entirely different way.

Thanks for your question.

"Why, God..."

Reader-submitted item: ...do I keep finding these things and feel compelled to send them to you? But here's the most disturbing part, this is what awaits when you click on one of the pictures.


Personalise your Official Poster

Customise your poster with any message you want - replicated in an exact digital copy of your favourite artist's handwriting and signature.

Yes, that's right, you can write a love note to yourself, using The Hoff's digitally replicated signature, and pretend that he sent it to you himself. Days like this I want to shoot myself in the head. But I suspect you're already hunting for your Visa...

Oh. My. Gawd.

This website has changed my life. I am sharing it with you, dear readers, because I know it will change yours, too.

I ADORE my readers.

The children really ARE the future

Reader-submitted complaint: Tonight my teenaged daughter figured that the winner of the contest was chosen by the judges based on the applicability of the entry to the US election. She wanted to know what major event would be happening around the time of the next contest, so she could start planning her entry now.

FYI, she plans on creating an animated entry, and has been working on her computer animation skills. I heard her musing today that if the contest occurred around the time of the 2010 Olympics, she would need plenty of time to figure out a one minute figure skating routine for the Hoff.

I hope you’re happy.

What an inspiration. Your daughter is actually planning ahead! Her dedication is admirable. And they say teenagers don't care about anything!

I don't know which criteria the judges used, as they did not provide reasons for judgment. Perhaps they will post in the comments box. I can say that I'm sure it was a very difficult decision. I'm not sure that I could have picked three: I tried, but I kept changing my mind.

I hope to make the Being David Hasselhoff Contest an annual event, but I'll do it twice a year if there is enough interest. So that would take us to the summer or winter of 2009. We will probably be heading into another Canadian federal election by then, right? Maybe she could do a video of the Hoff as Stephen Harper, refusing to take questions from the media.

Announcing the winners of the Being David Hasselhoff Contest

The Readers' Choice winner is Anonymous, for her daring self-portrait. Anonymous, please e-mail me with your mailing address. I will send you your prize: a stuffed Norbert from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Yes, everyone around you will be jealous, but that's the price you pay for being awesome.

And now I'll turn this over to our judges:

Phew! You may tell the contestants that our job has been difficult.

After much coffee drinking, kibitzing, agonizing, long walks in the
snow, and hair-pulling (ok, there was no actual hair-pulling), we've
been able to arrive at our decision:

First Place
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff for Vice President

Second Place
Karan Taps The Potential Of David Hasselhoff, Common Man

Third Place
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff

Long Live The Hoff!

Yes, indeed! This is truly an inspiring moment.

Zach, you have won space on my blog for a full 24-hour period. Send me your posts, and I'll put them up. You can even have an entire series of posts, and I'll schedule them to go up throughout the day.

Karan, you have won a stormtrooper helmet. Shawn, you have won a crocodile head. I will personally deliver both prizes.

This has been great fun. Many thanks to everyone who participated! You are all amazing, creative people and I am honoured that you come here every day.

UPDATED: Zach responds.

Contest Closed

The Being David Hasselhoff Contest is over. It is now up to our judges to select the winners.

As requested, I am adding a "readers' choice" category. This will have no effect on the judges' selections, and it's entirely possible that the readers will choose an entry that the judges do not. The winner in this category will get a stuffed Norbert. Yes, from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

First, refresh your memory:

Amy Reports On David Hasselhoff
Jen Is David Hasselhoff
Curtis Complains About David Hasselhoff
Anonymous Is David Hasselhoff
Karan Taps The Potential Of David Hasselhoff, Common Man
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff

Now vote. (If you're reading this through RSS or NWT Blogs, you'll have to click through to my site.)

Announcing the judges for the Being David Hasselhoff Contest

I have secured two judges for the contest. Both will remain anonymous. Goodness knows what might happen if their identities were revealed. I would not want their offices to be overrun with crazed Hoff fans and/or nudists.

They will reveal the three winners on Sunday night. Yes, really. They reserve the right to be frivolous and arbitrary (but not vexatious) and to use any reasonable standards in determining the winners.

I have also been asked to put up a poll so we can have a "readers' choice" winner. I think this is a great idea, and will find a suitable prize. The poll will go up on the weekend after all of the entries are in.

Remember, this contest ends tomorrow at 5pm Mountain Standard Time. If you want to enter, e-mail me right away: dryas at theedge dot ca.

"You helped me find my inner Hoff. How can I ever thank you?"

Say it with me: YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

I'm talking about the Being David Hasselhoff Contest, of course. It would be unseemly of me to gloat about political victories. I would NEVER do such a thing.

Entry #11 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest comes from Jen, who was my dearest friend when I was four. I'm totally serious. We are now back in touch, thanks to Facebook and David Hasselhoff.

Flawless.

Sadly, Jen does not have a blog, so you'll have to believe me when I say that she is very cool.

This contest is ending on Friday at 5pm. If you haven't entered yet, you are running out of time. Get those entries in: dryas at theedge dot ca. Don't say I didn't give you fair warning. There's a STORMTROOPER HELMET at stake. This is serious.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Curtis Complains About David Hasselhoff
Anonymous Is David Hasselhoff
Karan Taps The Potential Of David Hasselhoff, Common Man
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Complaining About The Hoff

I'm flipping between channels. Do you know how tense I've been all day? I need to see EVERYTHING. But I can't ignore you, my loyal readers. Entry #10 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest comes from Curtis, who has combined the contest with my regular "reader-submitted complaint" feature.

I've already invested hours to your contest and I'm outta ideas. I spent three hours alone searching Google for Hasselhoff ideas. I have learned more about Hasselhoff than any heterosexual man should ever know. I have browsed town for a black leather jacket, I have cleared crap and snow off a wreck in the middle of a raven infested dump looking for inspiration. I bought mousse for my hair, but it all comes down to I am drawing on empty. I have failed to become inspired. Hell, I even watched the new Knight Rider twice!!!!!

Curtis blogs from the Mackenzie Delta, near the town I used to live in. Go read his blog. I know you want to.

I admit, I am really enjoying these combination entries. This is going to be tough.

This contest ends on FRIDAY. Send your submissions to dryas at theedge dot ca. We all know you want to. There are prizes:

• First prize: Space on this here blog.
• Second prize: A stormtrooper helmet.
• Third prize: A baby crocodile head.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Anonymous Is David Hasselhoff
Karan Taps The Potential Of David Hasselhoff, Common Man
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Being David -- wow. Just -- wow.

Entry #9 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest comes from Anonymous, who has left me speechless.



After this, the only thing I can say is that this contest is ending on Friday at 5pm Mountain Standard Time. And that the competition is fierce.

Very fierce.

Get your entries in. You know what to do.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Karan Taps The Potential Of David Hasselhoff, Common Man
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

"Imagine: An Essay on the Untapped Potential of David Hasselhoff, the Common Man"

In this time of the audacity of hope, Entry #8 is from Karan, who dares to dream of ACTUALLY MEETING DAVID HASSELHOFF.

The entries to date are outstanding, and I dare say that the battle for first place will be hard-fought. That said, I note that there is a shared assumption - a common thread, if you will - that permeates each of the entries so far. It is David's celebrity status. Indeed, one entry even suggests he could use that celebrity status to run for President of the United States.

My approach is different. I ask a simple, but as yet, unarticulated, question: What if we strip away the celebrity. In other words, what if David was just an ordinary guy, working in the wage economy and living life like the rest of us in Name-of-Town-Withheld? Would he still have that sort of je ne sais quoi that gets him on the "A" lists everywhere from New York to Berlin if he was just plain old "Dave"? Or would he be one of those middle-aged guys, wondering whether he should join both the bowling and dart league, or maybe just one? More to the point, how would I, an middle-aged female, react? As with many things in life, much would depend on the particular circumstances and accordingly, I propose to examine the question within various contexts.

Dave, the Guy in the Next Cubicle: I expect that in this context, he would be laid back, perhaps a little too laid back, and would just go by "Dave". Although I may appear uncharitable, I do not think he's the sharpest tack in the box, and he strikes me as the kind of guy who, even well into middle age, would still be liberally applying "Brute" in a vain attempt to impress female co-workers and his boss with his discriminating taste. I also cannot help thinking that he would still have hanging in his closet the baby-blue tuxedo he wore to his high school graduation, which he would pull out for those formal occasions, like the office Christmas party or a friend's funeral, or your wedding. I would likely dread the days that my boss asked me to work on projects with him. He would be endearing enough to not get fired, but I doubt he would ever be holding the key to the executive washroom.

Dave the Mechanic: Let's face it - most men look good covered in grease and wearing overalls that have their name embroidered on them and, having been Kit's playmate in the early 80s, Hasselhoff has got to feel a bit of comfort in this role. Again, I think we would just call him "Dave" and like most warm-blooded, middle-aged females, I would react exceedingly well to a mechanic with chiseled features and finely feathered hair who gave me that "I'll fix your car, pretty little lady" smile. He would do just as well as my plumber, especially if it was summertime and he wasn't wearing a shirt with his overalls. Oh, and he would also be captain of his bowling team - I would expect nothing less.

Dr. Hasselhoff, Gynecologist: Getting a pap smear is not sexy. There is a huge difference between a man exploring your anatomy in bed after a steak dinner and a bottle of wine, and a guy wearing rubber gloves and scraping cells off of your cervix while you're laying on a table under glaring lights with your feet in stirrups. I don't think we could face each other on the street after that, and Name-of-Town-Withheld is pretty small. Actually, I'm starting to freak myself out. Come to think of it, I don't think that David is smart enough to get into medical school anyway.

Dave, the Recently Separated, but Hot Guy in the Bar: Who knows? After two or three glasses of Chardonnay, it might be hard or a middle-aged cougar to resist a guy with a broken heart and a tight butt, even if he is just one step away from a mullet and wearing black bikini underwear. While you wouldn't want to wind up actually dating him, though. It might be career-limiting, especially if you had to take him to the office Christmas party and he came dressed like this.

Perhaps I have answered my question. Perhaps I have simply raised more. I'm sure that being plain old "Dave Hasselhoff" wouldn't be much fun for David. There would be no "A" list parties, no limos and very few hot chicks. Certainly, no one would film him eating a hamburger while drunk and post it on YouTube, and I wouldn't be writing this right now. Instead, there would be only the Legion, the Elks, the bowling alley and, if he could afford a computer, Facebook. Life would be, at best, ordinary, but more likely hard and mundane, full of ex-wives, estranged children and AA meetings. Maybe there would be darts. So long as he has his celebrity, though, he is an enigma who captures our attention. He is David Hasselhoff, the man so many want to be.

I could not agree more. You should check out Karan's very cool blog right now. In fact, you should subscribe to her RSS feed so you never miss one of her posts. The power of Hoff compels you.

You cannot hide. It's coming down to the wire. I know that you are David Hasselhoff, and so do you. Send me the proof: dryas at theedge dot ca. Or post it on your own blog.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

"Keeping it real since '76"

Entry #7 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest is from Shawn, who has devoted her life to celebrating arts and culture. Obviously, it was just a matter of time before the contest drew her attention.



CHM™ Magazine International
A Publication of the Manly Group©
5021 Chesty Forest Rd
Hunkly, NJ
96969

Steve.Megan.Blogspot.com
The ‘Interweb’
Arctic Canada

November 1, 2008

Dear Madam:

Here at CHM, we have been following your ‘Being David Hasselhoff’ contest with some interest, as many of our readers share your enthusiasm and interest in the art and career of ‘the Hoff’.

While we are likely ineligible to enter your contract as a wholly real, and not imaginary, corporation, we thought the attached clip from the October issue of CHM would be of interest to you. The ‘Top Ten Things You Never Knew About…’ feature is a recent addition to our publication, drawing in the MTV generation in this new millennium that does not have the time or attention span to read the more in-depth articles CHM once featured. In addition to the Hoff, TTTYNKA… has also recently featured such notables as Richie Sambora, Scott Bacula and Pete Sampras. We continue to draw attention to the importance of truly manly grooming and behaviour, and we are so glad your interweb site shares our enthusiasm.

Sincerely,

JJ Jameson
Editor-in-chief

Yes, you'll want to click that photo to ensure you appreciate the detail in this entry.

This is obviously the first step toward my goal of receiving grants from the Canada Council for my online David Hasselhoff shrine. I can hardly wait to be recognised as a True Canadian Ahtist.

The competition is in its final days. You're going to have to step up your game. I KNOW you have ideas: now it's up to you to decide what you really want to submit. If you have two great ideas, you can send them both.

The winner will get to take over my blog for the day. Second prize is a stormtrooper helmet. Third prize is a crocodile head. Yes, a real one. Send your entry to dryas at theedge dot ca or post it on your blog.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Announcing a third prize

Yes. Your entries are so awesome that I have decided to give a prize to whoever takes third place, also known as the second loser.

That person will win a dried baby crocodile head. Yes. Obviously, it will have a place of honour in your home. Imagine what a conversation piece it will be! I will ship it from my house to yours, anywhere in the world. You read that correctly: this is an international contest. Germans, don't pretend you're not here.

So get your entries in. E-mail me: dryas at theedge dot ca.

Graphic Hoff-el

Entry #6 is from Alex, who has shrewdly combined the Being David Hasselhoff Contest with BedJump.com.





Yes, he took off his shirt. This is going to be tough to beat. Alex is from Fort Simpson and has an awesome blog. Check him out. I mean, uh, check his blog out.

What've YOU got? I bet you've got something awesome. Send it to me: dryas at theedge dot ca. Or, if you've got a blog, post it and send me the link.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Cayley's Dog is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Being David Hasselwoof

The Being David Hasselhoff Contest has jumped the species barrier. Entry #5 is from Cayley.

OH… it’s “Being David Hasselhoff” – I thought the contest was “eating David Hasselhoff”.


My, my. Eating David Hasselhoff would be an entirely different sort of contest. I'm not sure what sort of blog you guys think this is.

I do know that you want to prove that you are David Hasselhoff, though. Send your proof directly to me: dryas at theedge dot ca. Or post it on your own blog and send me the link.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Really, why stop at ten?

Entry #4 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest comes from Sally.

Top 10 Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules (in no particular order):

1. The raw sexiness.
2. The tight pants.

3. Love of animals.


4. His unabashed love of fur, PETA be damned.
5. His love of nature.


6. Mullet perm.
7. His music.


8. Speedos.
9. His love of hamburgers.


10. His ability to rock an eyepatch.

I am impressed at her restraint. The natural tendency is to go on and on about the reasons David Hasselhoff is a god among men. Sally, on the other hand, knows how to highlight the most important points. Everyone, go check out her very cool blog right now.

Do you think you can do better? You're going to have to prove it. There are prizes at stake. The winner will be able to write whatever he or she wants on my blog. The runner-up will get a stormtrooper helmet. I know, the excitement is almost too much, but you'll have to be creative. You can do this. I know you can.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

The children are the future

You can really tell that an idea is catching on when the younger folks decide they want to participate. Or, in this case, when they INSIST on being allowed to participate. Entry #3 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest is from Michael.

I'm not really sure what to say about this. Instead, I will share a moment from behind the scenes:

Steve: Do you have a cross necklace?
Michael: A what?
Steve: A T?
Michael: No, I don't have a T. But I think I saw a T in one of those old books. (Rummages through prayer books on the shelf.)

Send your entries to me: dryas at theedge dot ca. Or post them to your own blog and send me the link. Your participation is key. I know you want to do it.

First prize is the ability to take over my blog for the ENTIRE DAY. Second prize is a stormtrooper helmet. Yes. That's how classy this contest is.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff

Change you can believe in

Entry #2 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest is from Zach, who has given up on the two-party system:

American politics has failed to pique my interest as of late. what with
working all the time, whining constantly about getting blisters on my
palm (no, not from that) and suppressing the desire to throw dollops of
cheese whiz at Jack Layton from afar, American Politics hasn’t really
been on my mind as of late. Heck, it’s just too uninteresting to me.
So far as I see it, no matter which ticket is elected, (McPalin or
Obidna) not much in the US of A will change. Either way, I see
government intervention and the loss of liberty as being the common
theme for them. The nation just isn’t on a path of real change…unless
there’s a massive upset and I think I just saw the possibility coming.

Feast your eyes…on THIS!


oh...GOD YES!

Now I know what you’re thinking. I mean, if you can think clearly in
the middle of instant orgasm, you must be thinking “why wasn’t this
suggested earlier?” Obviously, this is the ticket of change. Shatner
has waaaay more intergalactic foreign relations experience than any of
the current presidential candidates and so could easily negotiate peace
or trade deals with far off planets. Since other leaders of nations
often act like they’re living on another world and have no idea what
their voters want, this should work out very well. Failing that, the
Hoff could easily infiltrate the rank and file of any government by
ripping off his shirt and instantly command the loyalty of all female
staffers and homosexuals.

Shatner’s military service aboard the Enterprise makes him well suited
for the role of commander in chief as well. Just look at this list of
awards and honours.

Palm Leaf of Axanar Peace Mission
Grankite Order of Tactics (Class of Excellence)
Prentares Ribbon of Commendation (Classes First and Second)
Starfleet Medal of Honor
Starfleet Silver Palm (with cluster)
Starfleet Citation for Conspicuous Gallantry
Karagite Order of Heroism

Yah…that’s right.

Perhaps the only draw back will be the 12 hour long, melodramatic
presidential addresses. “My fellow….residents of…(look into second
camera) thisgreatland!”

Also the whole bit about him being a Canadian…well come on. get over it
Americans. I think you can make an exception for a kick butt ticket
like this.


I could not agree more. Everyone, check out Zach's blog right now. He's one of the Saskbloggers: oddly enough, I read more blogs from Saskatchewan than any of the other provinces. Clearly, it is because of their immense talent and stunningly good taste.

Do you think you can do better?

You do?

Well, there's only one way to know for sure. You're going to have to prove it to us. E-mail your entry to dryas at theedge dot ca, post it in the comment box, or publish it to your own blog and send me the link. You know you want to. Besides, there are prizes at stake.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff