Punmanship

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Puns.

You know how I feel about cliches. Well, the pun is like the cliche's annoying friend. Cliches are lazy, but puns are even worse, because people put a lot of effort into developing them. I am somewhat forgiving when the person realizes how horrible the pun is, but when there is an obvious pause to allow the audience to appreciate the writer's greatness, my grip tightens on my beheading knife.

This morning, Steve and I were listening to the radio, which is how we learned about a "minor" issue in the mining industry. Yes. It was so obvious that Steve noticed it. A few hours later, I was reading an online newspaper and learned that two people had been set on fire after an argument in Toronto. The comments section included cute observations like "Sounds like a heated argument", "Hot off the press" and "The heat of the moment can burn you up". Pause for dramatic effect.

Let's forget the part where a man doused a woman with gasoline and set her on fire. I'm sure the authorities will deal with him. No, think about this heinous assault on the English language. Who will protect our children from this alarming trend?

Fear not, noble reader. I have been undercover.

Some undercover agents infiltrate crack gangs; others join terrorist organizations and place bulk orders for fertilizer. I, on the other hand, have spent some time at PunOfTheDay.com. I assure you, this has been a rough ride. There is a "Funniest Puns" section, and I am concerned that Chris Rock's day job might be in danger. The three funniest puns, as determined by readers, are:

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
3. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.

Take a break. I'm sure you have been laughing so hard that you will have to mop your brow and catch your breath. I'll wait.

Everyone back? Good.

I make an effort to be extra helpful, so I thought I would provide some useful tips about how to avoid inadvertent punning:

People who are hung over are not ale-ing.
Podiatrists do not heel foot injuries.
The Canadian twoonie does not feature the Queen with a bear behind.
When you go through sequences of shock, you are not phased.
Prostitutes in the Arctic are not hoars.

I'll just pause to let you recognise my greatness.

Heh, heh. If I worked in the sewer drains, you could recognise my grateness. See how smooth that was? Don't try this at home. I am a trained writer.