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Monday, February 26, 2007

Mark 5:13

Good afternoon, cloven-hoofed demons:

Yes, I am sick again today.

Fortunately, I know what is wrong with me. Michael was sick two days ago. Obviously, the evil spirit that was possessing him went into me.

Don't laugh. For starters, it is too cold to start a fire, let alone make a burnt offering. Besides, the last time I burned muskoxen on my outdoor altar, the bylaw officer ticketed me and I had to explain myself to a justice of the peace. HEATHENS!

I really thought the rapture would have happened by now, but apparently my calculations were off. We must press through our anguish and carry on. I have turned my attention to something much more pressing: the indoctrination of other people's children. If other people won't scare their children about hell, I will just have to do it for them. It is really not a problem. I happen to have a few extra hairshirts lying around anyway.

Our first concern, of course, will be to ensure that schools teach facts, rather than ridiculous theories, in science classes. For example, some people would have you believe that I am sick because invisible creatures came into my body through my nose or mouth, and that other invisible parts of my blood are trying to kill these creatures. Of course, none of this can be directly observed, and if you press these so-called "scientists" on this, they will admit that this is just a theory. You heard me. A THEORY. So it might not be true. Therefore, my alternative explanation that an evil spirit is living inside my body wins by default. If I could only figure out how to cast out demons, I would already be back at work.

You would not believe it, but in some schools, children learn that earthquakes happen because the earth is covered with gigantic plates that move back and forth. I was horrified too. We all know that earthquakes happen because God makes the earth open up and swallow people. Unbelievable. These same teachers also claim that millions of years ago, the continents were in different places, but slowly moved to their current positions. There are so many problems with this preposterous claim that I'm not even sure where to start. Just for one thing, the earth is only 6000 years old (DUH!). And if the continents moved at all, it would be because God moved them. Just read Genesis 1 if you need any further proof. If you have any trouble finding it, it's on the first page of your Bible.

The final thing I want to mention is the ridiculous idea that the stars and planets condensed from sub-atomic particles. Now, I'm totally in favour of the Big Bang, because it is just like the Bible describes: first there was nothing, then God made the world. Totally believable. I don't need any more proof. But this whole idea that the stars and planets just made themselves? Ridiculous. Setting aside the obvious (that there just weren't billions of years for this to happen), nobody has ever seen it happen. We have lots of pictures of stars and planets, yes. But we have no pictures of a planet forming out of sub-atomic particles. That's because we know that by the word of God were the heavens made. Scientists are such liars. They even lie about the speed of light! I know this because they CLAIM that the stars in the sky are millions of light-years away. Right away, I know this is a lie. How could we possibly see them? Friends, you can be certain that you cannot trust anyone who will even lie about the speed of light.

The worst part is that although they cling to these theories, they openly say that they would change their theories if they found new evidence. Yes. I am not making this up. How can you possibly believe a person who openly admits that he might be wrong and that new evidence could make him change his mind? How many of these theories have already been proven false? I am just waiting for them to realize that the earth is not spherical: the Bible says it is flat and round, like a plate. Just look at any map from that time and you will see what I mean. The, um, satellite photographs did shake my faith, but only for a moment. I am confident that they will soon be exposed as hoaxes. When that day comes, I will claim the discovery as my own, just like I did with Piltdown Man.