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Friday, December 01, 2006

Complements to morons everywhere

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-It-All: What Words Really Mean.

Okay, there is something I have to get off my chest. I will feel much better when this is over. You might want to avert your eyes briefly.

FULSOME DOES NOT MEAN COMPLETE. IT MEANS DISGUSTING. DO NOT INVITE ME TO HAVE A FULSOME DISCUSSION OF AN ISSUE UNLESS YOU ARE BRINGING THE CORONER TO THE MEETING.

Wow, that felt good.

I discussed this before, but I did not go into detail. I am not sure which bothers me more: indiscriminate apostrophe usage or words that are just plopped willy-nilly into a sentence because they sound like other words. So let's go over the basics:

Download: Despite recent efforts, this word does not mean "debrief". You should only use it if you are talking about moving data from one computer to another. This may come as a shock, but your brain does not count as a computer. I actually think there may be a plot by the federal government to get us all saying this, just so we all look as dumb as possible. And that is the only clue you are going to get about who is now saying this.

Breach: You "breach" a court order. Babies in the "breech" position are going to be born butt first. An easy way to remember this: "Once more into the breech" would mean "Let's all reach into our pants again".

Vicious: I am "vicious" about bad grammar. I am not "viscous" about bad grammar. I am many things, but I am not sticky.

Disinterested: A person who is bored is "uninterested". "Disinterested" means neutral. If you've been charged with a crime, you want a disinterested judge, not an uninterested judge. Usually, there is no need to use this word. Use "objective" instead.

Infer: You "infer" when you look at evidence and draw a conclusion. You "imply" when you suggest something without actually coming out and saying it. Right now, I am implying that an important person does not know the difference. You are inferring that it might be someone you know. He, on the other hand, can't figure out how you could infer anything when this is my blog and I'm the only one talking. This is, of course, a very understandable mistake. After all, both words begin with the same letter. I myself am constantly mixing up "apple" and "anus" for the same reason.

Erstwhile:
This means "former". Not "super cool" or "awesomely excellent" or whatever else you might want it to mean.

Enormity: Don't talk about the "enormity" of your work unless you are a hired hand at one of Saddam Hussein's acid bathhouses for political prisoners. This word doesn't mean "big". You use it to express horror. You can talk about the enormity of the Holocaust, but not the enormity of a paper cut.

Prey: Drug dealers "prey" on their victims. They do not typically "pray" on them. This is usually a role filled by your local priest or minister. I think it's a union thing.

Imminent: Your failure is "imminent". You are the only one who thinks you are "eminent".

1 comments:

Meaghan said...

can you do a post about "irregardless"? drives me BATSHIT! even thinking about it causes my shoulders to start attempting to become earrings. agh!