Yes, I know. I've had a lot of reader-submitted items and haven't been able to get to the stuff that really matters. This will be rectified shortly.
Until then, I leave you with proof that God exists: He talks to David Hasselhoff.
Amid all the adversity, whenever I had problems, God always said 'Here's Chicago, here's a book, here's the No. 1 TV show, here's the No. 1 movie, here's a recording deal, here's two million downloads. I'm gonna make you the biggest star in the world, David, and I'm going to give you responsibility with that, and you can either take it or you can fuck it up.' I fucked it up, I've taken it.
He is so inspiring. David, I mean. Well, now that I think about it, so is God. How come I never get messages from heaven promising to make me the biggest star in the world? It must be because I'm not hot enough.