Dear Britney Spears,

What...the hell...is wrong with you?

I am pretty sure that Glen is going to have something to say about this, but please let Ms. Prudence McPrude take a whack at you before Mr. Prudential Prudie starts in. (Unlike Glen, I actually enjoy innuendo.) (Hehehehehe...I said "innuendo".)

Fishnets are not so expensive that you should continue to wear them after large holes form in them. You can get them at department stores for $12. Heck, I would have given you mine if you'd asked. They're still in the original packaging, although I can't quite remember why. Oh wait: I do remember. It's because they make women look like skanks, even when we are running for President or in charge of the Supreme Court. There is no way to look dignified while wearing them. It is like wearing a flashing sign that says MAKE ME AN OFFER QUICKLY, I'M OUT OF CRACK.

Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe it IS possible to look dignified while wearing fishnet stockings. Perhaps it's all about the total look. For example, having your butt hanging out of your hot pants is super classy. It's definitely an option for the modern office. I could wear those with my SLUT T-shirt the next time I go to the jail.

I don't know what the hell that thing on your torso is, but it appears to be Fonzie's jacket, shrunk in the wash and set upon by rabid wolves. And honey, we all know that you went nuts and shaved your head. I suggest that you try one of the following:

1. Get a short haircut that will be easy to take care of.
2. Find someone who isn't blind to fix your weave.

And the crowning glory: the stripper pole. I was already a bit annoyed about stripper poles today because Canada's Newspaper Of Record printed a giant picture of Lindsay Lohan rubbing her butt on one to illustrate a story about the horrible movie industry that is profiting from the objectification of fragile young women. (Seriously. It is like they think we are all idiots who can't see right through this.) The latest talk is that stripping is empowering. Riiiiight. I can follow this logic to a certain point: the men in a strip club are definitely being taken advantage of, but not by the women on the pole. The dirty old club owner's having the last laugh; the strippers are just there to line his pockets and the men are so dumb they don't know the difference. What a GREAT thing for Ms. Spears to be photographed humping! This is going to do wonders for her career.