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Sunday, November 02, 2008

"Imagine: An Essay on the Untapped Potential of David Hasselhoff, the Common Man"

In this time of the audacity of hope, Entry #8 is from Karan, who dares to dream of ACTUALLY MEETING DAVID HASSELHOFF.

The entries to date are outstanding, and I dare say that the battle for first place will be hard-fought. That said, I note that there is a shared assumption - a common thread, if you will - that permeates each of the entries so far. It is David's celebrity status. Indeed, one entry even suggests he could use that celebrity status to run for President of the United States.

My approach is different. I ask a simple, but as yet, unarticulated, question: What if we strip away the celebrity. In other words, what if David was just an ordinary guy, working in the wage economy and living life like the rest of us in Name-of-Town-Withheld? Would he still have that sort of je ne sais quoi that gets him on the "A" lists everywhere from New York to Berlin if he was just plain old "Dave"? Or would he be one of those middle-aged guys, wondering whether he should join both the bowling and dart league, or maybe just one? More to the point, how would I, an middle-aged female, react? As with many things in life, much would depend on the particular circumstances and accordingly, I propose to examine the question within various contexts.

Dave, the Guy in the Next Cubicle: I expect that in this context, he would be laid back, perhaps a little too laid back, and would just go by "Dave". Although I may appear uncharitable, I do not think he's the sharpest tack in the box, and he strikes me as the kind of guy who, even well into middle age, would still be liberally applying "Brute" in a vain attempt to impress female co-workers and his boss with his discriminating taste. I also cannot help thinking that he would still have hanging in his closet the baby-blue tuxedo he wore to his high school graduation, which he would pull out for those formal occasions, like the office Christmas party or a friend's funeral, or your wedding. I would likely dread the days that my boss asked me to work on projects with him. He would be endearing enough to not get fired, but I doubt he would ever be holding the key to the executive washroom.

Dave the Mechanic: Let's face it - most men look good covered in grease and wearing overalls that have their name embroidered on them and, having been Kit's playmate in the early 80s, Hasselhoff has got to feel a bit of comfort in this role. Again, I think we would just call him "Dave" and like most warm-blooded, middle-aged females, I would react exceedingly well to a mechanic with chiseled features and finely feathered hair who gave me that "I'll fix your car, pretty little lady" smile. He would do just as well as my plumber, especially if it was summertime and he wasn't wearing a shirt with his overalls. Oh, and he would also be captain of his bowling team - I would expect nothing less.

Dr. Hasselhoff, Gynecologist: Getting a pap smear is not sexy. There is a huge difference between a man exploring your anatomy in bed after a steak dinner and a bottle of wine, and a guy wearing rubber gloves and scraping cells off of your cervix while you're laying on a table under glaring lights with your feet in stirrups. I don't think we could face each other on the street after that, and Name-of-Town-Withheld is pretty small. Actually, I'm starting to freak myself out. Come to think of it, I don't think that David is smart enough to get into medical school anyway.

Dave, the Recently Separated, but Hot Guy in the Bar: Who knows? After two or three glasses of Chardonnay, it might be hard or a middle-aged cougar to resist a guy with a broken heart and a tight butt, even if he is just one step away from a mullet and wearing black bikini underwear. While you wouldn't want to wind up actually dating him, though. It might be career-limiting, especially if you had to take him to the office Christmas party and he came dressed like this.

Perhaps I have answered my question. Perhaps I have simply raised more. I'm sure that being plain old "Dave Hasselhoff" wouldn't be much fun for David. There would be no "A" list parties, no limos and very few hot chicks. Certainly, no one would film him eating a hamburger while drunk and post it on YouTube, and I wouldn't be writing this right now. Instead, there would be only the Legion, the Elks, the bowling alley and, if he could afford a computer, Facebook. Life would be, at best, ordinary, but more likely hard and mundane, full of ex-wives, estranged children and AA meetings. Maybe there would be darts. So long as he has his celebrity, though, he is an enigma who captures our attention. He is David Hasselhoff, the man so many want to be.

I could not agree more. You should check out Karan's very cool blog right now. In fact, you should subscribe to her RSS feed so you never miss one of her posts. The power of Hoff compels you.

You cannot hide. It's coming down to the wire. I know that you are David Hasselhoff, and so do you. Send me the proof: dryas at theedge dot ca. Or post it on your own blog.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:
Shawn Reveals Ten Things About David Hasselhoff
Alex Jumps On Beds With David Hasselhoff
Cayley's Dog Is David Hasselwoof
Sally's Top Ten Reasons Why David Hasselhoff Rules
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Zach Supports David Hasselhoff For Vice President
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Being David Hasselhoff


Anonymous said...

Karan writes way better than I do, but you have to admit that my photoshop abilities are better than hers.


Megan said...

You won't believe the image I got a few hours ago. And I'm pretty sure it's NOT Photoshopped.

Anonymous said...

This entry rocks so hard. I love Dave the gynecologist.