With their nine-inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl

This is a response to my dad's comment, in which he mocks me mercilessly for being myself. I was all like OH NO YOU DI-ENT and then I punched him in the mouth and ripped out his natty old weave.

OK, so I didn't do that, and you didn't think I did that. However, he has a good point.

Too prudish: Yes, this is true, and everything else flows from it. If I were to catalogue my darkest secrets, you guys would yawn. For example, I once went to a club when I was underage, using a friend's ID. I felt so guilty about this that I didn't go out again until I turned 19. For some reason, I did not feel guilty about drinking alcohol in the dorm or at a friend's house (or, heck, at my house -- my parents went away every summer). No, this doesn't make sense. I assume that at some point in my formative years, I read a religious pamphlet about people going straight from clubs to the jaws of hell. And no, that's not a joke. I didn't just make Uriel up, you know.

Burst appendix: I didn't intend for this to titillate, but it is indeed true. This happened when I was in third grade. I'm told that although many people have appendectomies, it is much less common for the infection to go on so long that the appendix actually bursts. My mom may still be slightly touchy on this point, so I will stress that none of this was her fault and that she wanted to take me to the doctor much earlier, but all of the medical professionals she consulted told her she was over-reacting.

Legs off an insect: I may have done this, but I doubt it. My brothers, however, once ripped the stomach out of a frog and let it go. This happened on Lake Wassookeag, in the mucky part over to the left of the property my grandfather owned. As best I can recall, I have never harmed any animal. (Squirting the pigs with the hose doesn't count. They have tougher skin than any of us.) If I could help it, I wouldn't kill mosquitoes.

Stealing from the poor box: Good heavens, no. I was once chastised for cutting up one of the collection boxes, though. I didn't know what it was, and I didn't realise that the slit at the top was for putting coins in the box. I figured it would be the perfect play house for a worm. A pretend worm, of course -- I would never have taken a worm out of the ground and played with it because I might have hurt it. My mom was not happy with me, and I got in lots of trouble that day.

Made fun of an immigrant: Definitely not. For starters, there are no immigrants in Dexter. When we moved away from my childhood home, I was an immigrant myself. Plus, making fun of people is mean.

If Ray Comfort ambushed me on the street, I would tell him that I don't steal, although I did once take a broken chair from work that was destined for the garbage. I don't know if that counts. I fixed it and used it at home. Does it count as stealing if it's not actually in the dump yet? I don't lie, either, although I am likely guilty of lying by omission because of my passive-aggressive nature. Is it a lie if you let people believe that they have successfully indoctrinated your child? Or if you stay quiet when a person's obviously angling for a fight? Yeah, I guess that makes me a thief and a liar.