Please join us at

Get the posts on my new blog by e-mail. Enter your e-mail address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

New posts on

Monday, June 11, 2007

Guess the Biblical Figure

1. "Oh no! It's the pervs and homos! Go away, queers! Here, take my daughters and rape them all night long instead."

2. "She's my sister! No, really, she's my sister! PSYCH! She's actually my wife! Isn't that hilarious?"

3. "I am fabulous and our dad loves me most. Also, my clothes are hot."

4. "What do you mean, this is the wrong incense?" *SIZZLE*

5. "I'm a prostitute with no personality of my own and no role in this story except to tempt men." (Multiple answers accepted.)

6. "You guys are all gonna die! You're all gonna die! Hear that? I SAID, YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! That's going to be awful. Sucks to be you, eh? Hey, how come nobody likes me?"

7. "Man, these plagues suck. What do you mean, it was God's idea for me to keep causing more plagues? What's the point? What? God's sending more plagues so people will tell their grandchildren about the plagues? That totally sucks!"

8. "Gee, everyone around me is horrible. They sacrifice their own children to their gods. They must die, and I am TOTALLY taking their land. What's that, God? You want me to sacrifice my daughter? No problem!" *Lights match*

9. "Man, you guys are SO AWFUL. I am definitely the most picked-on deity around. I've put up with a lot, but no more. Let me give you the lip-smacking details about how I will torture and kill you."

10. "Wow, look at all this quail! God sure is great, isn't he? GAAAAAACK!" *THUD*


Stephen Dawe said...

Oooh! I love questions and answers.

1) Lot, though he lost his wife, and was raped by his daughters in the aftermath of that. The city refused the offer, and the angels defended Lot's family.

2) If I grossly oversimplify the story, both Abraham and Isaac. though interestingly, Abraham wasn't lying, just hiding part of the truth when he did it the second time..

3) Joseph, just before he was beaten to a bloody pulp by his brothers and sold into slavery, during which time he got thrown in prison and forgotten for two years as he was falsely accused by the wife of his owner

4) You could be talking about Nadab and Abihu, but then you'd be taking only one interpretation of amny of an ambiguous verse (and actually the least likely one).

5) many answers possible, how about the whore of Babylon from Revelation. No personality, but she does get drunk on the blood of the saints.

6) Probably Jeremiah, if you're uncharitably selective enough to remove all the parts about what Israel did to richly deserve God's wrath.

7) Maybe Moses if you take several verses as exclusive of many other verses. other reasons were so that pharoah would know that Israel's God was real, and so that nations would know and fear God.

8) Jephthah, though he was quite messed up about it, God did not command him to do it, and the story is used to say you shouldn't make rash and arrogant oaths about how pious, knowledgeable and smart you are.

9) God. The warnings are still true.

10) The people of Israel, though this is a masterful editing out of the details of the story, such as the way in which people were speaking of how great bondage in egypt was and stirring up rebellion against Moses (and incidentally God). We use the modern word "sedition", which maintains a stiff penalty even in Canadian law.

Steve & Megan said...

Man, you are good. Anyone else?

Steve & Megan said...

Incidentally, I have a soft spot for Jeremiah. The guy can't catch a break.

Here he is wandering around wearing a yoke, insisting that the Israelites surrender, and still can't figure out why everyone hates him. The priest sucks. The king's a moron. It's Jeremiah against the world! The king burns his book, so Jeremiah writes it out again. Take THAT!

Torq said...

Heh, There is an interesting similarity between that story and the story of Joseph Smith and his golden plates. Although the way I understand the story it was Smith's wife, not a moronic king, who made him write it all out again and there were, it is rumored, noted discrepancies. The poor guy had it tough.