EW EW EW EW EW

Because I like to hurt myself, I read a few pages of Rebecca Eckler's book on Amazon today. Sally suggested that I get it out of the library, but that would mean that someone might see me with it. I'd rather be seen pushing my car to get to the porn shop, to be honest. I figured that if it was good enough for Judd Apatow to copy it, it must be much, much better than the tripe she sells to Canada's Newspaper Of Record.

In fact, if the first four pages are anything like the rest of the book, it is much, much worse than the aforementioned tripe. I am pleased to report that, unlike Name of Paper Withheld, Ickler does know how to use parallel construction. Unfortunately, her idea of parallel construction is to repeat the following phrase over and over again (you probably will not want to be eating when you read this):

Did I...did we...did he...in me?

The first time I read that, my nose crinkled. Yes, I am Prudence McPrude, but there are some things a lady leaves to the imagination, and details about ejaculation are definitely on that list. The second time, my eye started to twitch. The third time, I started to feel ill. Then she wrote it AGAIN. I only read four pages, so I have no idea how long this might go on. I imagine that it is repeated throughout the book in a way that would be appropriate for each situation:

When taking the pregnancy test: Could I...did I...just pee...on me?
During doctors' visits: Does this...mean I...can't do...tai chi?
At the first sonogram: Who wants...to see...this picture...of me?
As her belly swells: I won't...give up...my cran...tinis.
After the baby is born: I I...I I...I I...me me.

Sally, you'll have to let me know how much worse it gets. I also need to know what Ickler's party guests thought of the seared ostrich and individual cups of green-tea ice cream.