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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Letter from Jail

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Correspondence.

I've read more letters from prisoners than the average person. This is not just because of my preferred attire when visiting the jail; it is also because as a true scholar and lover of the written word, I seek out original manuscripts whenever possible. There is a standard template for prisoners to follow:

  1. Thanks for your letter.
  2. You are keeping me strong.
  3. Random craziness like "Technology sucks!" or "Paul made me do it".
  4. Boo hoo, boo hoo.
  5. God bless you.
(Please note that this template is only for use when responding to letters. If the prisoner sends the first letter, he can skip steps 1 and 2 and get right to the craziness and the boo-hooing.)

And so we come to today's prisoner correspondence, written by the lady seen in this glamour shot:

(Parenthetically, this might be my favourite photo ever. I want to nominate that judge as King of the Universe -- Cindy tells me he has to die before he can be considered for sainthood, and this is the type of judge you definitely want to keep alive for a while.)

Yes, Paris Hilton has been writing letters from jail in the desperate hope that one of them would be leaked to the media so she could be in the magazines again. Apparently it wasn't great press when she refused to drink water so she could never be photographed on the prison toilet.

This letter is a perfect example of the prisoner letter, although it's missing the part where the author would typically veer off into crazy-town. As usual, my analysis is in bold text. (Changing the font is way too much work, so I'm going back to the old-school method.)

I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support.

I didn't read your letter, because I don't know how to read. I'm paying my cellmate to read and respond to my mail. Actually, she just writes the same letter over and over again and signs my name. I've never given autographs before, so nobody will ever know the difference. I spend my day trying to figure out how to make protein shakes out of the eggs and toast they serve for breakfast here. Did you know there's no Louis Vuitton in jail? Thanks for your letter, even though you are not nearly as cute as me.

The fact that you took time out of your day to write me truly means the world.

It's great that people are still thinking about MEMEMEMEMEME!!!! You are keeping me strong!!!

Especially at such a difficult and scary time of my life.

It's such a joke that I have to go to jail. What is WRONG with the world? I should be allowed to drive drunk and violate my probation! It is SO HARD to face the consequences of my actions! I could totally DIE in here! Boo hoo! Boo hoo!

But I am being strong and trying to make the best of the situation. And the letters Im recieving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell, sad and alone.

Boo hoo! Boo hoo! Here I am, sad and alone! It is so hard to be MEMEMEMEMEME!!!! How do you spell "I'm", anyway? Good thing I remembered how to spell "receiving". That could have been embarasing.

Again, thank you so much and may God bless you and your family. Love always, Paris Hilton xoxo

Remember to buy my album! And watch my TV show! And pay me to go to your pathetic parties!