What you weirdos are searching for on Google

Behind the Hoffettes
Rowan [name of narcissist withheld]
Gucci Baby
I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes
john mcenroe : you're lying
what google keywords people are using to find me
i followed you down to the sound of my voice that haunts you
pants that make you have a butt
pouring new wine into old wineskins
"lindsey buckingham" + sexiest (and many similar searches)
i hate bikes they don't belong on the road

I am getting a lot of hits through Google Image Search for this and this. Also, someone really, really wants pictures of narrow-hipped women giving birth.

God only knows what I'd be without you

As you know, I have claimed that this is the best video in the history of modern cinematography. I stand behind that statement, but I know you have all been wondering what the second-best video is.

Well, wonder no more. I have discovered it.

Late Late Hoff

I know most of you have your Tivos set to automatically record all of the Hoff's television appearances, but I am posting this as a public service. You never know when a lightning strike is going to take out all electricity to a region. This could have disastrous consequences if your television shuts off. What if you missed this groundbreaking appearance?

What do you think?

I would appreciate your thoughts on this design. The bits and pieces have not been filled in, but I think you can see how it would all work. You can click on the image to increase its size on your screen.

Do you like the colours? The fonts? The girl? (She needs bangs and blue eyes, but those are minor details.) Should I ask my multi-talented friend Amy to tinker with this design or start over? Do I need something with stronger colours or a tougher image? If you have specific suggestions, we would like to hear them.

Tooth Fairy

I don't know what to do now

I now own snowcoveredhills.com. I have no idea what to do with it, though. Everything that's over there now is just there to hold the spot. Web design is definitely not one of my strengths.

Fortunately, the fabulous and talented Amy is going to help me out. I figured out how to log in, but the tips for getting started begin this way:

1. Unzip the package in an empty directory.

Unzip which package? Am I really so dumb that I can't figure this out?

If this works, I plan to move over there. Don't worry: I will give you lots of lead time so you don't get lost, and I'll put a link up at the top of this blog.

Reader-submitted T-Hoff

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Michael has had a falling-out with a friend who said something hurtful. The friend later apologised and explained what he meant, but things have not been the same. There has been an unmistakable chill in the air for the past few days.

Michael has had disagreements and out-and-out fights with other kids before, but this one seemed to completely shatter him. He came home choking tears back, and stayed in his room by himself for hours. When the friend apologised, Michael was afraid that he was lying.

It has affected me, too: I am now constantly second-guessing his relationships with other kids. He suddenly seems more tentative and on the sidelines. I am unsure how to deal with it. Of course, it's possible that I am imagining all of this. Today was the end-of-school pizza party, and when we arrived at the gym, Michael was playing with a bunch of boys. We stayed near the door and watched quietly. I kept asking Steve if he was playing normally. He kept saying that he was; I remained unconvinced.

Yes, I am a crazy mommy.

I am posting this only because it is weighing heavily on my mind. The friend is like a brother to Michael and a nephew to me, and I am sure this will all blow over in a few days. In the meantime, it is hard to watch.

Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to be a mother.

Seven words

Because it's all about ME, ME, ME, it struck me as somewhat funny that I became afflicted with blog-induced Tourette's syndrome just as bloggers everywhere started to post George Carlin clips. (RIP, George.)

I watched his "seven words" act this morning for the first time. I'm not sure how I avoided it all these years, but it doesn't really matter. The point is that I was coming to it fresh. I was anxious to see what all of the fuss was about.

I was surprised and disappointed to see that it really wasn't funny. I only laughed once during the ten-minute bit. Now, before you dismiss me as a humourless wench, I will reassure you that I love South Park and I've enjoyed the other Carlin routines I've watched. I was expecting to laugh, if maybe a bit nervously because I don't really like curse words. Instead, I was bored.

Our language is fascinating. These words that we consider offensive can be completely stripped of their meaning when used out of context. Clearly, the words themselves aren't offensive at all. Swearing is for lazy people with poor vocabularies.

Grrrr

I feel a little like the old-time treasure hunters. I really believe that I'm searching for something that is just out of my reach. If I only put in more time, or pay more money, or look at another website, I will be rewarded. I am a moron.

Yes, I am still looking at blog designs. No, I am not any happier than I was before. If anything, I am LESS happy, because I spent the weekend sitting in my chair and staring at the computer instead of enjoying the lovely weather we are finally having in Name of Town Withheld.

I now have Wordpress and Typepad accounts. The main advantage, as far as I can tell, is that the URLs match my blog title. (When I started this blog two years ago, I named it "Steve & Megan", because I thought Steve would write here, too. I renamed it after he only posted once in the first year.) I am spending hours looking at templates, convinced that the perfect one is just a click away.

I am an idiot.

AAAAAHHHHHHH

I am thinking about changing the way my blog looks. That is Megan-speak for "I am frustrated and tired".

I spent hours mucking around in code, trying to switch to a three-column format. Like this, only with the Anime Sweetheart at the top instead of the red bar:
I figured this would be a better use of space than the current two-column format. You might think this would be easy. You would be wrong. Very wrong. I think I may have developed Tourette's syndrome from the stress.

You can see that there are only two columns here and that it really doesn't look any different than the last time you visited. There is a good reason for this: After hours of stress, I decided to go back to the way things were. Isn't that GREAT? I put in hours of work for absolutely no benefit! What is this, the federal government? And after all of that, the joke was still on me: I lost all of my widgets AND the blog header half of you say I should change. They all had to be put back manually.

I love Wordpress blogs, but I am not keen to spend hours installing updates every few months. Blogger is nice and simple, and I don't have enough patience to muck around in code all the time. I don't even have enough patience to look at much code, which is part of my problem.

I am tempted to just pony up the money to get my blog designed by a real designer. You know, someone who knows what he or she is doing. There is no real reason I haven't done this yet. I can stay with nice, comfortable Blogger AND have a design that suits my needs. It is just a matter of taking the time to do it.

The other problem is that I apparently have no idea who I am. I feel like the site design should be about me, or at the very least make sense with my title. Am I snow-covered hills?
Of course, there's always this reader-submitted photo:
I've been told that the only thing I'd need to do to make this image perfect would be to Photoshop Baywatch over the TV screen.

Speaking of which, there's always our old standby:
But that won't work. I am not nearly hot enough to withstand constant scrutiny, especially not when compared to a man-god like the Hoff.

I admit that I often feel like Townie Bastard's mascot (on the right, under "About Me").

Yeah, I definitely need to suck it up and hire a designer. Any thoughts on what I should tell him or her?

Truthiness

Reader-submitted: I'd love your thoughts on this video.

Interesting. I hadn't seen this until you pointed it out.

This story is about marijuana's increased potency. It is NOT your parents' pot. Got that? It's WAY WAY STRONGER. Also, kids are smoking it at younger ages.

EVERYBODY PANIC.

Many of the plants we buy have improved over the past few decades for several reasons, especially:
1) Crops are genetically different because the best/strongest/whatever strains have been identified and have displaced other strains.
2) Growing techniques have been refined.

Let's all freak out, shall we?

This story is missing something important: a source who could explain the leap from "increased THC" to "a lot more addictive". Maybe it IS a lot more addictive; I don't know. I can't know that, because the reporter hasn't made it clear. Her tone definitely tells me that I should be really afraid, but she isn't providing any real data.

Well, there are a few stats. There has been a huge increase in "marijuana abuse", which I assume means any use at all. ER visits due to marijuana use are way up.

Hmmm.

You might wonder what is sending pot smokers to the emergency room: surely it's not for the Jello. No, the reporter informs us that it's because they're paranoid. EVERYBODY PANIC.

I'm not saying that smoking pot is good. It's clearly not great for your health. I won't pretend that smoking cigarettes or drinking lots of gin is good, either. But I can't help but think that we're missing a larger story here. If pot really is more dangerous -- which the reporter didn't actually say, she just implied it and hoped we'd make the leap ourselves -- we deserve to know why.

Thanks for your question.

NOTE TO THOSE READERS WHO HAPPEN TO BE LEGAL COUNSEL FOR MY EMPLOYER: I learned this on the Internet, not from personal experience or associates. At no time have I considered horticulture as a hobby. I don't even like plants. Also, illegal drugs are very, very bad.

Ew.

"OK, so here's the concept. There's a girl sleeping, and a creepy guy outside her window videotaping her on his cell phone. He blows smoke on her and sets off the sprinkler in her room, which wakes her up. Here's the best part: She LIKES it! Then the whole thing starts vibrating. Guess what? It's the stalker's MOM!"

"Wow, that's a FABULOUS idea! Stalking is hot, and not illegal at all. You are a genius. We are going to sell a TON of LG phones!"

Reputation's changeable, situation's tolerable

I would like to draw your attention to two of the posts in my links list, because I know that you don't all use those links.

-R- is organising another blog share. The idea is that you write something you couldn't or wouldn't post on your own blog. You post this anonymously on someone else's blog, and host someone else's secret on your own site. I've done this twice so far, and I've been very pleased with the results. I'll be participating again, and I encourage all of you with blogs to do it, too. It is a lot of fun and you're sure to find a few new blogs that interest you. Now I just have to think of a secret to use.

On a different note, I'm always flattered when someone likes my blog. I got a couple of messages today from readers, but my favourite was the one I discovered on Mack the Hack's blog. Mack (AKA Kevin) and I have been Internet buddies for many years now. He was working for Name of Paper Withheld at the same time I was working for the MotherCorp Up There. He moved away after a while, but we were both members of an online journalism message board for years. I guess you could say it was an early social-networking site, and some of my current readers were also members. When it shut down, he and I fell out of touch. I'm pleased to see that he has a blog, and I always link to his latest posts. If you like my blog, you'll probably like his.

America's Got Hoff

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

Reader-submitted complaint: When you posted about this video, you didn't explain what the song's about. The words freak me out. Is she stalking him?

Sort of.

It's hard to know what any songwriter really means, but I can make an educated guess at what Stevie Nicks intended. It appears to be yet another snarky, nasty breakup song. She is telling someone (hmmm, now WHO could that be?) that when he left her, he lost something he'll never get back. He has moved on, or at least he seems to have moved on, but she doesn't want to hear about it. Instead, she is determined to make him remember her forever: she put a spell on him so he will always hear her voice and think about her.

Yes, there was clearly a lot of hurt on both sides. This is a different version than the one I posted last time, but they both affect a lot of people because she appears to be shouting at him. You usually don't see people singing directly to their exes about their anger, but that's what you see here. (If you don't feel like watching the whole video, start watching around the four-minute mark.) It's a great song and it's performed well. I think it captures the relationship between Stevie and Lindsey, and that's one of the things that keeps the Fleetwood Mac fetishists going.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this one: I meant to do it weeks ago and got distracted.

Interesting complaint. Am I converting some of you to fetishism?

You're filing a human-rights complaint? Not if I get there FIRST!

You probably didn't realise this, but we Canadians have a limitless ability to be offended. It is our new national pastime now that our hockey teams appear to be incapable of beating the (clearly inferior) American teams they are forced to play against.

Mike Myers' new movie is the latest thing to ruffle our feathers. It has not even been released yet, but we are already upset about it. You see, it is insulting to Hindus. It would be completely reasonable for a person to see this movie, think it is a realistic portrayal of the Hindu religion, and laugh at people who practise that religion. That's why it is entirely acceptable for people to take preemptive offense and claim that the movie is about their religion even when the filmmakers say it isn't. We support them in being offended.

Some people might claim that nobody would think a Mike Myers movie accurately reflects a real religion. We Canadians do not listen to these arguments. We sat by while Mr. Myers mocked many, many other people, and we simply can not accept it any more.

I mean, it was funny when he made fun of time-traveling Americans with scars:


That's hilarious. And we LOVED it when he mocked the English:


And the Scots:


And metalheads who live with their parents:


And Germans:


And Jewish mothers from New York:


Those things were all hilarious. This new movie none of us have seen, on the other hand, is OFFENSIVE TO SOMEONE'S RELIGION and it must be stopped. We are pretty sure that Hinduism is just like the movie, which would mean that Mr. Myers is exposing people to ridicule. That is one thing we definitely cannot accept from our comedians.

Happy Father's Day

Dad:


Steve:


Capitalist:

I am apparently NOT the centre of the universe

Reader-submitted question: Are you a Ray Comfort fan?

No.

I sort of see why you might think that, though. Uriel has mentioned him a few times.

Ray Comfort is the host of The Way of the Master, a Christian evangelism show. He is also known for street preaching: he hangs around with a TV camera, ambushes unsuspecting passersby, and asks them to answer a few simple questions: if his religion is true, will they personally suffer all of the torments he suspects they deserve? Their responses are broadcast on TV for Ray's fans to cackle at.

Ray's blog has become a hangout for fundamentalist Christians and atheists. Yes, it's an odd group. They try to convert or de-convert each other. Some are really vicious: mostly the Christians, who threaten their critics with eternal damnation.

I almost never go to his blog, but when I do, I almost always end up doing a Uriel post because I become so annoyed with his fans. Uriel is not Christian -- she is a member of a splinter sect that meets only on the Internet and prays together on message boards -- but she has a lot in common with Ray's fans. Well, she's currently having a crisis of faith that was brought on when she showed kindness to a traveling missionary, but I suspect she'll find her way eventually. Actually, I got the idea to write about the missionary by thinking about Ray's fans: would they convert to another religion just because someone told them to?

However, I have developed a new appreciation for Ray himself. I am starting to think that he is a satirist. I haven't been to his blog in a while, but I see that he has just posted a how-to guide for spotting a con:

• "Blind the simple with pseudo-eloquence";
• When you ask for ONE transitional fossil, complain because there are too many examples;
• Use a unique definition of "transitional fossil" and "survive"; and
  
• Insist that even if all of the evidence points to evolution, it is really proof of creation.

As I write this, no comments have been posted on this particular post, but it's just because Ray moderates comments. By the time you click that link, there will probably be dozens of responses, about half thanking him for proving the atheists wrong, a quarter patiently explaining why he's made a mistake, and a quarter explaining his mistake much less patiently.

I was planning to answer this question today anyway, but finding this post at the top of his blog this morning is a perfect coincidence. (Wait -- Ray probably doesn't believe in coincidences.) I really do think he might be a satirist. He thinks people should complain because there are TOO MANY fossils?

No, he can't be serious. This has to be a joke. His fans just haven't figured it out yet.

Happy birthday, Mom

Reader-submitted bicep flexing

Oh, Canada...

UPDATED JUNE 14: The video has been removed from YouTube, but is available at the Paper of Record's website.

My American readers probably don't realise this, but it's been a tough week in Canada.

First, CBC announced that it wasn't able to come to an agreement with the little old lady who wrote the theme song to Hockey Night in Canada. CBC management said there would be a contest to find the new theme song. Yeah, just like Canadian Idol.

Canadians lost their collective minds. You would think someone had burned the flag or something. Well, except that Canadians wouldn't care if anyone burned our flags. This, however, was SERIOUS. People were really upset. They weren't rioting in the streets -- this is still Canada -- but they were calling CBC's Talkback line. You know people are serious when they're calling Talkback.

Then it looked like all might not be lost. CBC management announced that they were willing to mediate the dispute with the little old lady. Canadians breathed deeply and...well, we didn't pray, but we DID rub the Buddhist good-luck charms we keep in our pockets.

At this point I was pretty sure that Tim Hortons or Molson would buy the rights to the song. I was wrong.

CBC's main competitor, CTV, bought the rights. (HAHAHAHAHAHA.) In perpetuity. (HAHAHAHAHA.)

It's all OK: The song's not gone! We can hear it every night on TSN! Plus, now we have yet ANOTHER reason to say that the CBC's out of touch with Canadians!

What a relief. We Canadians have already started to calm down. In fact, we've started to shrug our shoulders again, so clearly we're well on the way back to normal.

A news tip

Reader-submitted: Hey Megan, I remember awhile ago you linked to the article about the ex-CNN producer who was fired because of his blog. After reading that item, I decided to survey over 250 newspaper editors and publishers to see if they would allow their journalists to maintain personal blogs without prior approval. I published my findings over here. Anyway, I thought this was something you might find interesting.

I definitely do. Thanks for putting this effort in.

As my readers know, journalists love to demand information from random people. Then they drum their fingernails on the tabletop in an annoyed manner to encourage a rapid response, yell at the person, question his numbers, and ultimately slam the phone down.

So the results of this survey are fascinating.

My reader asked 250 news organizations the same question:

Would you allow your staff writers, without prior approval, to blog during their free time after work as long as they don’t write about the beats they cover for your newspaper?

EXAMPLE: A staff writer for your newspaper covers the local courts and cops beat and then goes home and writes in his personal blog about the national presidential election. He does this without asking for your permission. Would you be fine with this?

Only 39 responded. You can bet that if these news organizations only got a 16% response rate to their questions, we would all be hearing about the RIGHT OF THE MEDIA TO ASK QUESTIONS and HOW LONG WILL THE FASCISM CONTINUE.

Of the 39 who responded, almost half have rules about blogging: it's either not allowed at all, disclosure is required, or certain topics are unbloggable.

What do you guys think?

Reader-submitted book

David Hasselhoff, World of Warcraft Star

This is incredible. Just look at the detail. Consider the effort that must have been required to match it with the original: this is a true keeper. In fact, I suggest that you go over to PartyBoyHans's YouTube account right away and leave him a message so he knows that he is already a national treasure. At this point, it's just a matter of waiting for the paperwork to go through.

Now, I'm sure that all of my regular readers are very familiar with the original video. Like me, you probably have it saved on your desktops so you can watch it whenever you get depressed. However, I am aware that some of my readers are fly-by-night types who aren't willing to put the same amount of effort into maintaining their Hoff awareness. It is for those readers that I present the original:

"This may sound crazy, but..."

Reader-submitted: ...one of my PhD program classmates had us watch your video with Steve about the Woodcock-Johnson. There has been much debate over several issues, and I wondered if you could clear some things up for us.
1. What are Steve's qualifications for administering the test?
2. What is the nature of the relationship between the two of you? (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc...)
3. What is the purpose that you had in mind for that particular video posting?

I really appreciate anything you might share. The group that chose your video did so because one of them was originally attracted to the video partially because of your relationship. He really enjoyed the easy, comfortable rapport that you have. It just seemed intimate to him in a forum in which intimacy isn't very easy and he thought that probably spoke highly of the relationship you had off camera as well. We were attempting to keep the discussion light, but the discussion boards got way too serious.

What!?

PhD class?

Discussion boards?

As weird as this may seem, it does explain why this particular video has been viewed 100 more times than most of my videos.

1. Steve is a teacher. When we shot this video, he had just finished a course that qualified him to administer the achievement battery of the Woodcock-Johnson.

2. We have been married for almost ten years.

3. Steve's purpose for that video was to excitedly share yet another bit of educational jargon with our viewers. He always gets feedback from other teachers, so he loves to talk about new ways to do his job. My personal purpose for that video was to mock Steve. We do these from time to time -- you can see others here, here, and here. We try to make people laugh or to show something about our lives through our videos.

I think our videos show us as we are in person, but perhaps readers who know us personally would disagree. I am certainly open to other possibilities, so feel free to post a comment if it would contribute to the discussion that is happening within this reader's PhD class.

This is now my favourite reader-submitted question of all time.

Keeping you guessing

As promised: Ricki's blog.

A public-service announcement

...and a big sigh.

Yes, that woman is Stevie Nicks. Lindsey Buckingham is the man to her left, or to the right of the screen. The MAN. Stop looking for a woman.

This archival video shows Lindsey, who does not get nearly enough respect as a guitarist or a songwriter. I think this is because Stevie was so successful in overshadowing the rest of Fleetwood Mac during the early 1980s. She's no more talented than they are (in fact, I'd argue that she's LESS talented than Christine McVie or Lindsey, because she doesn't play a musical instrument), but she was very very good at self-promotion.

Boy, that sounds snarky, but I don't mean it quite in that way. The last thing I need is for Stevie fetishists to spam me with reader-submitted complaints about my lack of respect for their hero. I think she's great; I just think she gets an unfair amount of attention, given the relative talents of the other band members.

Remember: Stevie = WOMAN. Lindsey = MAN.

Hurting so good

Reader-submitted complaint: I don't understand your jokes about that writer in Toronto.

Hmmm. Well, they're partly inside jokes, but I thought they would be generally understood. Please accept my apologies. I will explain.

I think you mean this "writer". She is not well known outside certain Canadian journalism circles, and even then, only as a joke. She has no talent, but was somehow able to work as a columnist for both of our national newspapers. Over the years, she made more than her share of enemies among her co-workers. I believe some of them read this blog: perhaps they would like to expand on this point. I personally have never worked with her.

She started blogging a couple of years ago, and it was the first time most of us had read her unedited copy. It was horrifying. I've said before that copy editors are angels, but the ones at the Post and the Paper of Record deserve extra kudos for turning her dreck into something that was merely very bad.

Someone started an anonymous parody blog. I've been asked several times, so I will confirm again that I was not the anonyblogger. It became immensely popular and began to attract dozens of commenters who shared their stories of working with her at the Post. This was all done anonymously, which I disliked. I think that if you are going to criticise someone in your industry, you should do it using your own name.

Every once in a while, a comment would appear that defended the writer. Some were from real people; most accused the anonyblogger and his or her fans of being "jelous" of the writer's fame/talent/money/thinness. But some were clearly from the writer herself, although she was posing as her own biggest fan. These comments were consistently terrible: poorly punctuated and rambling, with lots of swearing and veiled threats. They were easy to pick out and appeared more and more often as time went on.

When I write about her, I write as her biggest fan.

The trainwreck

Reader-submitted: This is breathtaking.

OMG. Like STOP PICKING ON A SINGLE MOHTER who is just bringing her kid back from visitation with the non-cutsodial parent. I know words like that now because of her.

I siriusly dont know what you haters hope to accomplish by picking on someone who needs our suport most of all. I have already explained why she is my favourit author and I totally hope she does the nude photo shoot becuase what we all need is to see MORE of her! A person with narcissitisc personality disorder NEEDS to do these things adn we should all support her. Its a DISEASE.

What do you tink she should NOT buy, huh? The 139th stuffie? what is her kid gonna play with? I am gonna get a lawyer and sue you for thraetening the childs happiness. that is NOT called for. And is the kid supposed to NOT eat donuts for breakfast? Happy kids get whatever they want and if it doesn't come in a take out box its way harder for the mom.

I just love the haters. What, you DONT spend money on your kids lunch? Its freaking healthy. And yoga and therapy are important for people who have to deal with assholes like you guys who say they are just wasting there exes hard-earned money. How is she supposed to relax, by actually working? As if.

We all know that she has already written a screenplay becuase of what happened with Judd Apatow, so really the classes are a waste of money. Ill admit that. She already wrote a movie.

You people are jerks. The nanny needed cab fare. and she needed $100 for the kid. Thats how much it costs for a kids lunch and daily toy pruchases. Who else is gonna pay that, the dad? No, she has to EARN that money somehow and get it from publishing screenplays.

And in case you thought she was irresponsible. She GOES GROCERY SHOPPING. She does not just order take out and McDonalds. She is just like me and any attack on my favourte author is an attack on me, so just BACK. OFF.

Damn your love. Damn your lies.

Reader-submitted complaint: There's not enough videos of Lindsey Buckingham on this site. He is sooooo sexy!

Not ENOUGH videos of Lindsey Buckingham???

Some of my readers are nodding solemnly. Others are wondering who the heck Lindsey Buckingham is. Meanwhile, my dad is wondering how he could have failed so spectacularly.

It has been a long day

Actually, it's been a long couple of months. I am too tired to please anyone but the fetishists tonight. See you tomorrow.

For the link clickers

I posted a link to Just Below 63 a few days ago. Townie Bastard's response is on his site.

Incidentally, Townie Bastard and I have almost identical career arcs. It's freakish.

Who who? Who who?

Reader-submitted question: Who are all these readers submitting comments off-blog, anyway? Are they too shy to post their questions in the space actually provided FOR comments?

I'm not sure why, but some of my readers refuse to post comments. In fact, I estimate that only about 5% of my readers ever post in the comments box, and even fewer comment regularly. The others either refuse to talk back to me or prefer to send messages in other ways. This is OK -- it's the reason I posted my e-mail address on my profile page -- but it's not as interesting for the readers, I'll admit.

I think that some people want to know that I'll get back to them right away, so they send e-mails or instant messages. I read every comment and respond directly to many of them, but I don't write back to every commenter. I guess I'm contributing to the problem.

Anonymous commenters, do you want to respond?

Wait. No, you probably don't.

I need someone to hold my hair while I vomit

Perhaps someone who works for the Paper of Record can explain what the hell Leah McLaren is still doing there. Seriously, the woman's columns are basically parodies now.

In her latest column, Leah gives her lucky readers the following pieces of information:

• She travels. (Remember?) Usually to exotic places like Croatia, unlike you.
  
• She is 32. Not old and saggy-assed like you losers seem to think she is. EARLY THIRTIES.
• She used to have expensive, brand-name clothing, and she will list all of the brands because it's essential that you comprehend this point. SHE OWNED THEM. Her career is NOT going downhill. She travels and buys expensive things.
• She has more credit than responsibility. Just in case you didn't catch the earlier point about how much money she has.
• She looks awesome, even in old jeans and sweaters. (DUH.)
  
• She is not fat, she's thin. This point is repeated several times.
• She is blonde, smug and rich.

I really need someone at the Paper of Record to explain this to me. Why is she taking up space in our national newspaper?