I will not eat them here or there. I will not eat them anywhere.

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Rhymes.

This is completely my fault. I have not been vigilant enough. When the Pussycat Dolls stripped down to panties and go-go boots and started humping the air, I stayed quiet. When they began their nation-wide skank hunt, I said nothing. (Incidentally, if you missed the linked video when I posted it last week, I highly recommend it.)

When they claimed they were re-defining female empowerment, I got a bit uncomfortable. I don't like it when people unilaterally change the meanings of words. You see, it's just a few steps from there to using "beg the question" to mean "raise the question", but I was trying to be a bit less judgmental.

But they have gone too far this time. Exhibit A:



This time they've attacked the English language. I'm willing to accept "ha ha ha ha ha ha" as lyrics. I'll even accept the beeps. As I've stated before, beeps can be funny. But this is just stupid.

You beep out a naughty word so people can laugh. If you beep out a non-naughty word like "dick", you just look like a moron. Beeps should be used strategically. Here's an example:

So let's all drink some low-carb beers
And hit on some poor schmuck
Don't ask us where our husbands are
'Cause we don't give a BEEP

Now, a review of Poetry 101 is in order. There are many ways to write a rhyming poem. This particular one is ABCB. That means that the second and fourth lines end with a rhyme. (We'll skip the concept of rhythm, at least for now.) Most songs are written this way or in AABB format.

Now, I couldn't stand to transcribe the lyrics in this song, but fortunately Sing 365 has done the work for me. I present the first part of the song, which should be enough to make the point:

Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha

It's funny how a man
only thinks about the BEEP
You got a real big heart,
but I'm looking at your BEEP
You got real big brains,
but I'm looking at your BEEP
Girl, there ain't no pain
in me looking at your BEEP

I don't give a BEEP
Keep looking at my BEEP
Cause, it don't mean a thing
if you're looking at my BEEP
Ha, I'm a do my thing
while you're playing with your BEEP
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Every boy's the same
Since up in the seventh grade
They been trying to get with me
Trying to Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha
They always got a plan
To be my one and only man
Want to hold me with their hands
Want to Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha
I keep turning them down
But, they always come around
Asking me to go around
That's not the way it's going down

I can't handle any more than this. These lyrics are clearly AABB structure. I can tell by looking at the un-beeped section, where the genius lyricist has artfully rhymed "down" and "around" as well as "plan" and "man". Oh, and also "same" and "grade".

So this should be a song that has dirty (and therefore beeped) words that rhyme with "man", "heart", "brains", and "pain" in the first verse. Perhaps I am too puritanical, but I cannot think of dirty words that rhyme with any of these words. "Fart", maybe. What is this, kindergarten?

The second verse gives some clues about what its beeped words should be. I can think of several ways to end the phrase "I don't give a BEEP", but the beeped word should rhyme with the beeped word on the next line. The next two beeped words should both rhyme with "thing". Again, I'm having trouble imagining what they could be. "Bling"?

The next set of lines is not a verse, it's a bridge, but the distinction has likely been lost on the Dolls. They have used "ha ha ha ha ha ha" in place of beeps, just to shake things up a bit. This time, we are to use our imaginations to fill in half of the line. The last word in the line should rhyme with "me" or "hands". Oh, and it should be naughty. Otherwise, what would be the point of tantalizing us with "ha ha ha ha ha ha"?

Dolls, rhyming is so easy that Michael could do it years ago. It means that two words end with the same sound. Like "skank" and "rank". Or "whore" and "bedsore". Or "burns when you pee" and "don't sleep with me". See how easy that was?