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Friday, April 06, 2007

I will not eat them here or there. I will not eat them anywhere.

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Rhymes.

This is completely my fault. I have not been vigilant enough. When the Pussycat Dolls stripped down to panties and go-go boots and started humping the air, I stayed quiet. When they began their nation-wide skank hunt, I said nothing. (Incidentally, if you missed the linked video when I posted it last week, I highly recommend it.)

When they claimed they were re-defining female empowerment, I got a bit uncomfortable. I don't like it when people unilaterally change the meanings of words. You see, it's just a few steps from there to using "beg the question" to mean "raise the question", but I was trying to be a bit less judgmental.

But they have gone too far this time. Exhibit A:

This time they've attacked the English language. I'm willing to accept "ha ha ha ha ha ha" as lyrics. I'll even accept the beeps. As I've stated before, beeps can be funny. But this is just stupid.

You beep out a naughty word so people can laugh. If you beep out a non-naughty word like "dick", you just look like a moron. Beeps should be used strategically. Here's an example:

So let's all drink some low-carb beers
And hit on some poor schmuck

Don't ask us where our husbands are

'Cause we don't give a BEEP

Now, a review of Poetry 101 is in order. There are many ways to write a rhyming poem. This particular one is ABCB. That means that the second and fourth lines end with a rhyme. (We'll skip the concept of rhythm, at least for now.) Most songs are written this way or in AABB format.

Now, I couldn't stand to transcribe the lyrics in this song, but fortunately Sing 365 has done the work for me. I present the first part of the song, which should be enough to make the point:

Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Ha, ha-ha, ha

It's funny how a man
only thinks about the BEEP

You got a real big heart,
but I'm looking at your BEEP

You got real big brains,
but I'm looking at your BEEP

Girl, there ain't no pain
in me looking at your BEEP

I don't give a BEEP

Keep looking at my BEEP

Cause, it don't mean a thing
if you're looking at my BEEP

Ha, I'm a do my thing
while you're playing with your BEEP

Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Every boy's the same

Since up in the seventh grade

They been trying to get with me

Trying to Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha

They always got a plan

To be my one and only man

Want to hold me with their hands

Want to Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha

I keep turning them down

But, they always come around

Asking me to go around

That's not the way it's going down

I can't handle any more than this. These lyrics are clearly AABB structure. I can tell by looking at the un-beeped section, where the genius lyricist has artfully rhymed "down" and "around" as well as "plan" and "man". Oh, and also "same" and "grade".

So this should be a song that has dirty (and therefore beeped) words that rhyme with "man", "heart", "brains", and "pain" in the first verse. Perhaps I am too puritanical, but I cannot think of dirty words that rhyme with any of these words. "Fart", maybe. What is this, kindergarten?

The second verse gives some clues about what its beeped words should be. I can think of several ways to end the phrase "I don't give a BEEP", but the beeped word should rhyme with the beeped word on the next line. The next two beeped words should both rhyme with "thing". Again, I'm having trouble imagining what they could be. "Bling"?

The next set of lines is not a verse, it's a bridge, but the distinction has likely been lost on the Dolls. They have used "ha ha ha ha ha ha" in place of beeps, just to shake things up a bit. This time, we are to use our imaginations to fill in half of the line. The last word in the line should rhyme with "me" or "hands". Oh, and it should be naughty. Otherwise, what would be the point of tantalizing us with "ha ha ha ha ha ha"?

Dolls, rhyming is so easy that Michael could do it years ago. It means that two words end with the same sound. Like "skank" and "rank". Or "whore" and "bedsore". Or "burns when you pee" and "don't sleep with me". See how easy that was?


Torq said...

You see this stuff is just too modern for me. I simply don't get it. This is supposed to be Female Empowerment?

The odd thing is that this seems to be more along the lines of domination. The key here would seem to be attractive women using sex to take advantage of some poor sap who doesn't have the self control to say no and then running off to do whatever they want. First off, as the princess pointed out, this is attractive empowerment, not female empowerment, because it will only work for attractive people. Secondly, this is actually lowering the net power of women as it is encouraging men to look at women as sexual objects that are gunning to take advantage of them.

One step forward or three steps back?

The Capitalist said...

Errr.... How about a little less talking and a little more Pussycat Dolls videos...