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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

NOTE TO NEWCOMERS AND HUMOUR-IMPAIRED: The Uriel personality is a joke. You can read more here.

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":

Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:

Or this:

I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.


Amy H. said...

I am sorry, I am confused. A religion which preaches tolerance and acceptance is now telling people that there is a right and wrong way or cool and uncool way to belong to the faith? I don't understand?!

Please Uriel... explain this seeming hypocrisy to me.

Uriel said...

It's simple.

When you know the mind of God, you can automatically assume that everything you think is right. It's really very handy, especially during arguments.

Cindy said...

Sigh.... and too cool for school infects Christendom again. And the reformation goes on and on and on and.....

You aren't the only one who's confused, Amy. (And just cause some dudes made an ad doesn't mean the religion teaches this. That's a logical fallacy, after all.)

Uriel said...

Admit it: Christ-followers are cool and Christians are losers. Fortunately, it's easy to tell us apart. The Christ-followers are the ones who wear baggy jeans, T-shirts and jPods. Christians wear suits and Coke-bottle glasses. Also, they're always carrying Bibles around. What losers!

This Internet thing is turning out to be a good way to evangelize the masses. They are already coming to my blog in swarms, ripe for conversion. You will sit in awe of my Commission just before you are thrown into the lake of fire. Burn, baby, burn.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I was just about to go sacrifice a few firstborn to the heathen gods when I picked up a banana. Boy, am I glad the Christ-followers from GodTube showed me the evil of my ways. My Jpod is already in the mail!

Cindy said...

LMAO -- the banana thing is sooooo weird, I don't even know where to start!

But now I feel like eating a banana!

Steve & Megan said...

I always thought that the coconut evolved, but now we have certain proof. Really, what more do you need? It's not shaped for your mouth at all, and it's not easy to peel!

Clearly, this is NOT a product of creation. There must not be a God after all.

Torq said...

*chuckles* I am not sure if I am more horrified by the videos or by the fact that this is not the first time that I have seen all of them! I was thinking about posting that first one to my blog to talk about assumptive reasoning and how you can hurt a good argument by insulting its intelligence. I am inclined to distrust anyone who tells me that in order to present a truth to someone I must first bypass their intelligence. Clearly Uriel got there first.

The whole "Christian" Vs. "Christ-Follower" thing is enough to drive anyone nuts. The really funny thing is that while they are trying to say is that it doesn't matter how you worship, or what you wear, as long as your are worshipping, they have gone ahead and made it clear that if you do it in a suit and tie you are a doofus.