The Ickler bump

Visits to the blog follow a fairly predictable pattern. I get 25-35 "visits" (in gold) and 40-70 "page views" (in red) per day. Each person who comes here counts as one visitor, and if you come back twice a day, you're counted twice. If you click an internal link, like one of the comment links, that counts as an additional page view. Visits drop on weekends but are reasonably stable throughout the week.

I'm a little freaked out by the number of new visitors and the fact that I'm not completely sure that they're not secret Ickler fans. Things appear to be going back to normal, which is good. I like to know who my audience is.

Mother told me, yes she told me I'd meet girls like you

When I was pregnant, the father of my child went away a lot, and I fell in love with someone else and carried on an intense emotional affair with him. I figured this was OK because a few celebrities did the same thing. In public, I pretended that we were a couple. I wished that I could plan falling in love the way I planned my C-section, and I was really upset because I had gained 47 pounds. Also, I was going to have a baby, whatshername.

So I wrote about my emotional affair in the New York Times, because I am super classy.

Oh, wait. That wasn't me at all. That was Eckler.

UPDATED: Welcome, Technorati users. The full list of my Eckler posts is here.

Every whisper of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions

It has been a rough couple of days.

The worst part is that I cannot really talk about why it has been so bad, especially not here on the blog. There has been a fair amount of self-loathing (see yesterday's post) and hours of gut-wrenching fear.

However, the experience has taught me a few things:

1. If someone is convinced that he is always right, telling him that he is wrong will not change the final outcome of your conversation.
2. When things are really bad, there is comfort in knowing that they could be much, much worse.
3. Getting really drunk on shots of Newfie screech does not actually help the problem, but does deaden the pain for a few hours.
4. Drinking water is good. Very very very good. Also, Tylenol is my friend.
   

Weeping silver tears on a rusted heart

Do you guys in the States know who Jann Arden is?

I've always listened to music at work. This used to be easier at the MotherCorp, where it's normal to wear headphones at your desk. I had a really great set of headphones that drowned out the entire world -- necessary with a job like mine that entailed fixing the mangled carcasses of botched interviews. When I was pregnant, I used them to play Mozart to my stomach (my boss thought this was hilarious). And just before I quit, I used them to ignore my co-workers and listen to Jann Arden.

Leaving CBC was like a sucker punch. I'd just spent $40,000 on an honours degree in journalism and moved to the Northwest Territories. I couldn't have moved any further away and still been in Canada -- I'd gone from one corner of this giant country to the opposite corner in the name of journalism. Journalists have it hammered into them: they are professionals in the most noble cause there is, and "public-relations officers" are the excrement of creatures that live in pond scum. I imagine it is like leaving a tenured position as a philosophy professor to sell vacuum cleaners door to door. Except that as a professor, you do understand that some people need vacuum cleaners, so somebody's gotta sell them. The jump to public relations is sort of like that. You have this deep-seated self-loathing for the first little while, and all of your former co-workers look on you with disappointment, or (worse) say things like "I knew that's where you'd end up" or "Enjoy the money".

I usually tell people that I left the CBC because I had a baby. The truth is more complicated. Yes, I had a little guy underfoot and no child care. I really did need a job that would allow me to work from home. But I also felt like I was heading up a show that had little to no support from our head office. I was very sick while I was pregnant and took pains to show my devotion: I used to joke that I would give birth in the studio while directing the show. I came back from maternity leave wanting to prove that nothing had changed; that I was still the same person. I didn't want to admit to myself that I had indeed changed.

Jann Arden's known for her sense of humour, but you'd never know it from her music, which is usually about pain and sorrow. This song and every other song from Living Under June brings me back to early 2002, writing "greens" and re-writing intros with tears in my eyes.

Mystery solved

I have been outed by a poster over at 9 Gram (see comments). This is quite a relief: I first wondered if an Eckler fan club had stumbled over my blog, but I soon realised that there were far too many visitors for this to be a group of her fans.

I do indeed do satire, even of Eckler herself, but I am not 9 Gram. Fellow Eckler haters, you are more than welcome to stick around.

And a short note about copyright: I will immediately remove any material on this site that I did not create myself if the copyright holder contacts me and asks me to take it down. This could be done through the comments section if the message comes from the copyright holder's account. All this person would have to do to assert copyright is to admit that he or she created the material, and I will pull it down right away and replace it with a review/summary.

UPDATED: I actually started to feel bad for Eckler, so I pulled down her post without being asked. I wrote the review myself and did not create the source material.

UPDATED AGAIN: Welcome, Technorati users. The full list of my Eckler posts is here.

Hmmm

I'm not sure what to make of this, but I will just put it out there: Three hours ago I started to get some unusual traffic here on the blog. Since then, about two dozen people have come by to read my posts about Rebecca Eckler.

I can't tell if the Ickler fan club has suddenly discovered that I exist (in which case I assume that her entire worldwide fan base has already checked me out and found me lacking) or if something even weirder is going on.

UPDATED: Welcome, Technorati users. The full list of my Eckler posts is here.

A new Plan B

I have a new back-up career plan.

For several years, I planned to become a Girls Gone Wild girl if anything went wrong with my current career path. This seemed to be the perfect plan: it would offer me the lasting fame I have been seeking for my entire life.

However, over the last few months, Glen has pointed out that this is probably not the best option. There were several reasons:

1. Girls Gone Wild girls do not really get lasting fame. They are on screen for a few seconds at most.
2. The pay is really bad. They're probably paid in cheap vodka, which you have to drink out of another girl's brassiere.
3. The Girls Gone Wild guy is in jail. Who would've thought that it would be illegal to allegedly ply allegedly underage girls with alcohol and allegedly videotape them while they allegedly take off their clothes, then allegedly profit from sales of the video? Fascists!

So I need a new plan. And I found it close to home.

David Hasselhoff needs women to shake their butts and lip-synch behind him while he lip-synchs. These women are called Hoffettes, and I think you can see the attraction. This could be a long-term career. It would be the perfect combination of not-really-singing, not-really-dancing without having to join the Pussycat Dolls and show off my "confidence". (Yes, I am so lonely that I actually watched their TV show last night.)

Anyway, back to the Hoffettes. These women have indeed gained lasting fame. Not only do they get to travel all around the world, but they have been immortalized in music videos (the gritty video for this song includes some kick-ass special effects at the end). And I think it's unlikely that David will be arrested anytime soon. If the police tried to cuff him, they would probably burst into flames from the sheer sensuality of it all. Some people can't take it. I, however, would be really good at shaking my butt while wearing high-heeled boots. If this communications career of mine ever falls apart, it's very comforting to know that I have other options.

Stars fall from the sky for you and me

Just before bedtime last night, Steve made an unexpected discovery: his plane ticket to Newfoundland was not for tomorrow. It was for today.

So here I am, sitting all alone with no boys to love me. And this is Hour 1 of my three weeks of solitary confinement. I wasn't ready for this so soon.

For the past few weeks I've been swinging back and forth between loneliness and excitement at the thought of the boys going away. Part of me likes the idea of ordering whatever I want on my pizza. It's been a long time since I've gone any length of time without hearing a knock on the bathroom door. The freedom might get to my head. I might start smoking or stay up past my bedtime.

But right now I'm feeling lonely. I miss my boys.

BREAKING NEWS

You know that old joke about the guy who murders his parents, then asks the judge to go easy on him because he's an orphan?

A 13-year-old girl from Medicine Hat is guilty of murdering her entire family.

Old men watch from the outside, guarding their prey

You probably did not know this, but apparently blogs are dangerous. Yes.

I'm sure you can think of a few ways blogs might be more dangerous than, say, the Government of Canada's website. For example, they're often not designed very well, and it can be hard to find what you're looking for once you get into the guts of a blog. Wait, I suppose that's not really much different than what you'll find on the federal government's site.

So I'll cut right through the suspense and tell you why blogs are dangerous. You see, if you have a blog, people can disagree with you. Yes! Quick, let's shut THAT feature down before anyone discovers it!

Also, people who disagree with you can -- wait for it -- LINK TO YOUR BLOG. I am so annoyed about this craziness that I almost slipped into my Uriel voice for a moment. (Uriel fans: I promise to bring her back, but I've been staying away from the religious hypocrites for the last little while. This is good for my sanity, but has put me into contact with an entirely new group of hypocrites.)

Apparently it's impossible to link to a non-blog website. Also, people without blogs have no critics and total control over the things other people say about them. This is important, because when someone has a different opinion, the best way to deal with it is to make them stop talking. You definitely don't want them to disagree with you on your own website.

I'm glad we cleared this up. I am going to start making plans to pull my blog down right away. That way, nobody can tell me to go to a nunnery, criticise my taste in music or disagree with me at all.

For my new reader in Ontario

Hi. It's great to have you here. I'm really glad that you like my posts about Canada.

There's a whole blog here too, and it's more than just posts about Canada. Of course, you're free to keep coming back to check the Canada label every day if you aren't interested in anything else I write about. This blog is mostly about my life and family, with some media analysis and grammar advice tossed in.

Welcome, Karan

I am now very close to achieving my goal of getting everyone I know to start their own blogs.

Glen...check. Cindy...check. Capitalist, Philosopher King, Blueberry Princess and whatever we're calling Ben these days...check, check, check, check.

And now: Welcome, Karan.

I've known Karan for a few years, and she is now a constant presence in our lives. You see, her son is Michael's new best friend. They live right across the street, and Michael spends more time with her son than he does with me. In fact, you'll recall that there were some tense moments when it seemed that I might lose out on the coveted bike-riding lessons. (Or as Glen put it: You do know that you're jealous of a six-year-old, right?)

When my phone rings after supper, I know it's Karan calling to invite me over for a cup of tea. The two boys spend their evenings running back and forth between the two houses creating mischief while we chat about life in general.

As I look back on my older posts, I can see that she inspired one of my earliest posts about grammar -- in a good way, of course. This was so long ago that Little Miss Know-it-All didn't exist, and in fact I didn't talk about grammar or journalism very much at all. I can see that I was already known as a grammar enthusiast.

I've added Karan's blog to my links list: please go and check it out.

What's in my MP3 Player?

It's not OUR fault!!! Quick, blame that guy over there!

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Media accountability.

Name of Paper Withheld does not take criticism well. Shocking, I know. Here's the complete text of a city-council brief from yesterday's paper.

Parking meter letter angers councillor

During member remarks, councillor Mark Heyck said he was
dismayed by a letter that ran in the June 15 issue of Name of Paper Withheld.

In the letter, Name of Town Withheld-er Patrick Kane described his anger
at the state of parking enforcement in the city.

While Heyck said he appreciated concerns about broken
parking meters, he took issue with the how the letter “singles
out and belittles the parking officer.”

Rather than targeting the writer, Heyck took aim at Name of Paper Withheld,
criticizing its decision to run the letter.

“(Name of Paper Withheld) owes the official an apology and they owe
the city an apology,” he said.

“I’m not holding my breath.”

Ah, yes. Those muckrakers, always stirring the pot! City council's annoyed: way to go! Raises all round...wait, that's not quite right. The typesetter probably got a free pen and a grunt of approval from his editor.

I don't usually agree with Councillor Heyck, but I had the same reaction when I read that letter to the editor. It detailed one resident's frustration with city staff for enforcing local bylaws -- somehow, he had racked up $200 in parking fines. In particular, he was quite rude to one employee, who he described in enough detail that anyone who lives here would know who he meant.

Now, I don't know about Name of Paper Withheld, but most media outlets receive tons of calls and letters from people on the far side of crazy. The media's job is to sift through them and determine which are actually in the public interest and which are just weirdos with a grudge.

This is not censorship. It's called editing. It means that Name of Paper Withheld is responsible for the things it prints. And it's completely fair for a public official to criticise the paper for its editorial decision to run a letter that was clearly written only to embarrass a woman who is unlucky enough to work for the city.

Heck, I'll do it right now: A newspaper is not a public bulletin board where anyone can publish any type of garbage to get back at regular folks who are just doing their jobs. Newspapers are called to a higher purpose. They publish information about important local issues and provide a forum for discussing those issues. The main difference between a newspaper's letters page and a message board on the Internet is that a newspaper is supposed to screen the letters and decide which ones are in the public interest.

To sum up:

1. Jerk writes letter to newspaper to embarrass a person who was just doing her job.
2. Newspaper gets all excited -- whoo hoo! Someone cares about us enough to write letters! -- and prints the jerk's letter. Because it doesn't really matter if a city employee gets hurt.
   
3. Reader criticises newspaper's decision.
4. Newspaper gets its back up and responds: "Hey, WE didn't say it, we just published it, therefore we have no responsibility here". Because hurting a newspaper hurts us ALL.
   

My trip to Sachs Harbour

I was lucky enough to get into the spare seat on the RCMP plane. We stopped in In-uvik to refuel and pick up the fellow who looks after the detachment there. This is one of the other officers.

No trees. Say it again: No. Trees.

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, it is still a shock the first time you realise what "no trees" really means. About eight years ago, we were thinking about moving to Nunavut, which is entirely treeless. We read everything we could about the territory, but still weren't prepared for the first picture of Iqaluit we found on the Internet.

There are trees throughout most of the NWT, but Sachs Harbour is far above the tree line.

Like I said: No trees. These three-inch flowers were the largest plants around.

Some parts of the community reminded me of Newfoundland. Some of the houses are similar, and this boat seemed oddly familiar.

Visit to the High Arctic

Just before the end of the day, a co-worker came into my office and jokingly asked if I wanted to visit the most northerly community in the NWT tomorrow. She was taken completely off guard when I got all excited and asked if she was serious.

This is Sachs Harbour:


You have no idea how far north it is, but just for fun, try this:

Now, I know some of my readers are looking at the bottom edge of this map and thinking that the states below it are "north". HAHAHAHAHA. I live near the middle of this map, but used to live in the top left corner, right next to the northern coast of Alaska. Almost nobody gets to go to Sachs Harbour, which is why I was so excited to get the opportunity. This is the sort of trip that some people plan for their whole lives.

I'm going with the RCMP, which will be interesting just by itself. I'll have photos tomorrow.

Breaking news

(...and all the rules?*)

I am pleased to announce that I have been successful in getting the emergency exit at CBC In-uvik named as one of the Seven Wonders of the CBC. I'm totally serious. (Note that the real name of the town does not have a hyphen.)

After The Seven Wonders of Canada wrapped up, people reacted in true Canadian style: with anger and bitterness. At the time, I suggested that the true wonders of Canada were:

• The word "sorry".
• The shovel, for use on both snow and bullshit.
• A bone, to toss to aboriginal leaders when they threaten to set up a blockade.
• Canadian flags, to hang all over Quebec in hopes that they won't leave.
• The phrase "At least we're not as bad as the States".
• Waiting rooms in the emergency department at the hospital.
• The SUV, for navigating the drive-through at Starbucks.

Tod at InsideTheCBC decided to run a follow-up contest: The Seven Wonders of the CBC. Now, InsideTheCBC is a public blog, but most of its visitors are current or former CBC-ers. People were invited to submit ideas. I've worked in five CBC shops, but I probably wouldn't have submitted anything if the very first comment hadn't been:

The 10th Floor Artist’s Lounge at CBC Toronto. Rare panoramic view of the Toronto’s lakefront.

I think we can all agree that of all the things we DON'T want to be a Wonder Of The CBC, it's the Artist's Lounge at CBC Toronto. So I clicked the link:

CBC In-uvik: The emergency exit, with its rare view of the Western Arctic’s utilidors (above-ground sewage lines).

I provided a link for southerners who had no idea what a utilidor was, and that was that. Lo and behold: my lobbying has paid off.

I am a little concerned that, much like the original contest, my suggestion was accepted simply to ensure regional representation, but I'll take any recognition I can get. I'm a bit of a media whore that way.

*My very first footnote: "Breaking news and all the rules" was the tag line for a terrible series of CBC ads. The ads were promoting the "re-launch" of supper-hour newscasts with a new format that, as far as I could tell, was better only in the sense that it was cheaper to operate.**

**In true CBC style, I'm so deep that even my footnotes have footnotes.

The things that really count

PLEASE NOTE: This story includes a few community names. As usual, I'm using hyphens to thwart the search engines.

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: The little things.

As usual, Name of Paper Withheld is doing a realy bang-up-job att editing. Off course, it realy doesn't matter as-long as you get thestory.

My analysis is in bold text.

Blondin's coming together in Yk, Ndi-lo
Two day family reunion will bring together old and new family members

The point of a headline is to grab the reader's attention and to give some clues about what will be in the story. Consider this one a success, Name of Paper Withheld! Apostrophes are just decoration! Hyphens are boring -- who needs them? Not you!

This headline grabbed my attention right away and really did give some clues about what would be in the story: grammatical error after grammatical error. This is especially important in a story like this one, which will probably be cut out and put on refrigerators and in scrapbooks. My hat is off once again.

The extended Blondin family and friends are being encouraged to make a trip to Name of Town Withheld and Ndi-lo for July 13 and 14. Ted Blondin, son of George Blondin a Dogrib elder, storyteller and writer, is arranging the family reunion for his father who is 85-years-old.

Did the Blondin family get extended somehow? I'm picturing a bunch of ten-foot elders mincing around like characters from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I suppose this is part of a newspaper's job: to let me know about important local events.

The family is encouraged to come here ON July 13 and 14. Not "for". They're coming FOR a celebration, not for a date on the calendar. The second sentence is missing a couple of commas, but more than makes up for it with some added hyphens. You see, when you're a professional journalist, it's really important to get the right number of punctuation marks into your story. It's not so important to use those marks in the right places.

“We wanted to do something this summer,” Ted said of the reunion. The event isn’t being held for an anniversary, but mainly because George is one of the eldest members of the Blondin family.

“My father is 85-years-old. He’s the oldest family member that is still alive.”

There you go again with the hyphens! It's like you think they belong there or something! I imagine this was a tough call for the copy editor. He probably stared at a copy of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and bit his lip before triumphantly adding those hyphens. Great investigative work! And wait a second -- the party's not for an anniversary, but it's to celebrate the oldest family member's birthday. Hmmm.

Friday will see a social gathering at the Royal Canadian Legion in Name of Town Withheld which will feature an open mic for people to share stories, Ted said. Saturday will be a large barbecue at the property of George’s sister Muriel Betsina in Ndi-lo.

Again, commas are totally not needed. They just slow the reader down. Good call. But isn't it a HUGE story that this family is able to turn days of the week into barbecues? That would definitely be a first.

“We’re starting to fill up the freezers with caribou meat,” Ted said. He said they’ve already received some interest from family members from outside of town, but he doesn’t know how many yet will attend. “For them to actually agree to come together like this it’s a pretty big deal,” he said. Some family members would be flying in from De-line, which costs approximately $1000 for the flight.

“The number (of people coming) just seems to grow.”

No. Ted doesn't know how many will attend YET. And the flight costs $1000.

George resides in Beh-choko (R-ae-Ed-zo). His younger sister Betsina resides in Ndi-lo where the second day of the reunion will be held. Originally she and George were from the shores of De-line.

You don't usually see the word "reside" in newspapers, but Name of Paper Withheld is not your average news-gathering organization. For example, commas are still beneath them.

“The Blondin’s moved to Name of Town Withheld in the ‘50’s. Especially George and his wife and his kids,” she recalls. She said George moved to Name of Town Withheld in order to pull his children out of residential school. She was in a residential school from the age of eight to 16 until her parents moved to Name of Town Withheld as well. “I have so many nieces, nephews, fourth generation cousins that I’ve never met. I hope they come,” Betsina said.

You never mess with a quote. That's one of the big-R Rules of Journalism. However, people don't use punctuation marks when they speak, so even if the reporter happens to be interviewing someone who thinks apostrophes are just decoration, the reporter is under no obligation to include those apostrophes in his or her copy. Or the headline. The same rule applies to hyphens. And I'm getting tired of expressing my gratitude for those dropped commas that were just slowing us all down.

Ted said that his father will be sharing stories with his family, and other family members are encouraged to share their own stories with one another. The open mic will also be available for anyone that wishes to speak on Saturday.

“I’m looking forward to the excitement of the reunion,” Betsina said.

Here's a good lesson for people who work at community newspapers: It's not nice to call people "that". Anyone WHO wants to speak will be able to speak.

Wasn't this the paper THAT went on and on about the importance of literacy a few months ago? I can't remember...

What's in My MP3 Player?

Gordon Lightfoot has a reputation as a boring folk singer, but I think he's cool. This sucks as a video, but is all I can do considering that he is not exactly a star on MTV.

Happy birthday, Canada

As I mentioned earlier, the CBC's been running a wish list on Facebook for the last little while. It was supposed to revolutionize the media, and was trumpeted from the hilltops in typical CBC style. Canadians would express their hopes and dreams for the future, and the rivers would run with chocolate. The results would be announced on Canada Day, as a birthday present to Canadians, I guess.

I've been watching the results over the past few weeks, and am having a hard time believing that the winners in the Great Canadian Wish List actually represent the hopes and dreams of Canadians.

Seriously? This is the list of hopes and dreams for our future? If so, how come nobody's happy about it? Where are the rivers of chocolate?

Instead, there has been a lot of nastiness between the two top groups -- nobody's paying attention to the others anyway. The Abolish Abortion group was set up first and took an early lead. The Remain Pro-Choice group was established when it became clear that the other group was way out in front, and it gained a lot of ground very quickly. For weeks, the two groups were almost tied. Then both groups started to scream about cheating. I watched as both gained support by the hundreds in a matter of minutes. It was due to a quirk in the program that allowed people to vote over and over for their favourite wish.

Facebook deleted thousands of multiple votes, but people still complained about sock-puppet accounts (which I can't support), votes from people outside Canada (which I also can't support), and open campaigning from special-interest groups (which are totally in the spirit of this project).

There's no way to know how many sock puppets are out there. The pro-choice group pointed out that a significant proportion of the abolish-abortion group do not have avatars. This would suggest:

• that those accounts are new; and/or
  
• that the people who created those accounts did not want to include photos; and/or
• that the people who created those accounts did not know how to include photos.

Although this is interesting, it is not really relevant. If someone wants to join Facebook just to be able to vote in this project, that's fine. It would be no problem to create hundreds of sock-puppet accounts that had photos, either -- I personally don't have the energy to do this, but other people apparently do. And I think it's really insulting to suggest that people who are against abortion are so stupid that they don't know how to add pictures.

It's pretty clear that there are votes coming from outside Canada. The active campaigning (which I'll get to in a moment) has pulled in thousands of votes from lobby groups in the States on both sides. This is really not cool. Both groups were so desperate to win that they didn't care how they got votes.

Um, guys? This is a stupid CBC poll on Facebook. It means nothing, especially when everyone knows that you've stacked the deck. It's sort of funny, though, because if this hadn't gotten so out of hand, one of these wishes might have finished in the top ten, and that would have been huge news. (What?! Ordinary Canadians care about this?!) As it is, everyone's talking about lobby groups.

And that brings me to the last complaint I've heard: that people have been actively campaigning for their wishes. I'm not sure why this is such a bad thing. Isn't that the point? If you get enough people to vote for your wish, you'll end up at the top of the list. You do this by getting the word out and by not allowing your wish to be confused with others. Target people who are likely to agree with your wish but not likely to vote, and convince them to vote. That's completely fair, and if the "save the environment" guys were doing it, nobody would bat an eye. The same thing happened when the CBC did their "Greatest Canadian" poll -- does anyone seriously think that Canadians thought Tommy Douglas was the greatest Canadian before all of the campaigning started?

CBC's gotten a lot of flack over this project, but I think it's been an interesting experiment. Not exactly what CBC was planning to get, of course, but interesting in any case.

Welcome to Web 2.0, CBC. And happy birthday, Canada.