What I learned from the RNC

Working for community organizations is a joke. The only thing to be respected is work in government.

When your opponent is not as qualified as the people he bested, strike back hard: Pick a running mate who is even LESS qualified. That will take the attention off your opponent.

If a person is not qualified to be president, the best speeches in the world will not make him qualified. I already believed this, but what I did not realise was that the best way to get this message across is in a good speech from an unqualified candidate.

Demand that the media report all about your child's personal life. No, not THAT child. The other child. You hatemongers. Some things are PERSONAL.

Experience is your best asset. It is the main qualification for higher office. Voters should never wonder who you are or what you will do. They should know you through your demonstrated commitment to public service at the highest level. Unless you don't have any. Then it's sexist to expect it of you. Repeat as needed.

When people become concerned about your age, distract them by making sure that if you die in office, the person who takes over will have none of the qualities your supporters valued so much in you. That will take the focus off your age.

Promise to take Washington back from your own party. This will make the crowd go wild.

Insist that the news media is biased against you. The best way to get this message across is probably through the news media. Ignore the fact that you've been courting the media for years and called them your "base".

The person who's worst at reading from the teleprompter is probably the best candidate.