Big words for a one-eyed man

Reader-submitted: Most comic book fans loathe the Hoff's version of their favourite super spy. I confess I'm not sure I saw it when it came out. I might have watched 15 minutes and changed channels before hurting the TV set. But I figured this would be your cup of tea. The Hoff, an eye patch, spy action....

You're kidding.

This cinematic masterpiece is coming to DVD?

And I am living in the frickin' Arctic, far from the nearest Best Buy?

This cannot be happening. It cannot be happening.

I just rocked back and forth in the fetal position for fifteen minutes, and when I opened my eyes again, the news story was still there. Apparently it is true.

I am not sure how I am going to get through this alone. I definitely need to sign up for some sort of supportive counselling. Just knowing that David will be sweating through his shirts on some other woman's television fills me with a jealous rage. He should be breaching MY protocols and inciting ME to mutiny.