It's a blog's life

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-It-All: Apostrophe's.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Seriously folks, the poor little apostrophe is both overused and underused. I suspect that the word its is to blame. You see, our crazy English language is full of quirks. This common little word is an exception to Apostrophe Rule #1. Yes, there are rules!!! Don't make me come down there!

Apostrophe Rule #1: Possessives
When you need to make a singular noun possessive, use 's:

The chair's cushion is red.
The car's brakes are failing.

Now, its and it's violate this rule. Not to fear. This is really not that hard to remember.

I sat on the chair. Its cushion is red.
I took the car to the mechanic. Its brakes are failing.

But:

Baby, it's cold outside.
It's annoying when people don't know how to use apostrophes.

This leads directly into Apostrophe Rule 2. Sorry to be condescending about this, but I really don't think this is that hard to grasp. Condescending is a great big word that means talking to people like they're (not their) stupid.

Apostrophe Rule #2: Missing Letters
This is going to be very exciting for people who have laboriously been writing phrases like it is and she has and do not all these years. You see, this funny little thing called an apostrophe can make your life easier! YES! And it's only $9.99 a pack. Call now, and you'll get a SECOND package of apostrophes, absolutely -- oh, wait. Never mind. Where was I?

Oh, right. You can use an apostrophe to turn do not into don't. See how easy that was? And now it's clear what it's means -- it's (har) clearly it is, shortened up ever so nicely with an apostrophe and ready for a night on the town.

But what's that I hear? You want to make a plural word possessive, you say? No problem! The apostrophe rushes to your side again:

Apostrophe Rule #3a: Plural Possessives
When you need to make most plural nouns possessive, use ':

Both chairs' cushions are red.
Both cars' brakes are failing.

This is very important. Otherwise you could end up with confusion over whether you have two chairs (both with red cushions) or one chair with two red cushions. Everyone still with me? Okay, we're now going to make a jump to irregular plurals. Can you handle it?

Apostrophe Rule #3b: Irregular Plural Possessives
You might, for example, be renovating the bathrooms in my building. Of course, this would require taking the signs off the doors that tell visitors which bathroom to use. Out of a sense of duty, you might decide to make paper signs for the doors. But -- good heavens! -- that would require the use of TWO irregular plural possessives! What to do, what to do?

I'll tell you what you should NOT do:
Mens
Womens

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The signs bothered me so much that I made a new paper sign for the women's (note apostrophe) room. I just keep my eyes away from the men's (note apostrophe) door. It is just better that way, all around.

Now, I have only mentioned the big-R Rules for apostrophe use. Grammar geeks like me are aware of a raging debate over apostrophe usage for singular names that end in -s. For modern names, we often write Thomas's tank engine or Mr. Jones's book. But for names from the ancient world, we write Moses' stone tablets or Jesus' miracles.