"Hey, Canadiano"

Reader-submitted question: I've got a distinct cultural heritage of my own. In my culture (Texas), we settle disputes with our "shock and awe" military. For some reason, we can't get on your professor's list of treasured cultures. Why is that?

It's really quite simple. Canadians are tolerant and enlightened. That means that we cannot accept intolerant xenophobes like you. Cultures are to be treasured, but only when they show other people just how much we cherish diversity.

For example, if you were to bring a big container of tobacco to my house and set it on fire to cleanse the negative energy from my kitchen (caused, of course, by cooking meat), I would nod and show my appreciation for the enlightenment we both share. On the other hand, if you were to bring a smaller amount of tobacco to my house in the form of cigarettes, I would glare at you and maybe even clear my throat in a pointed manner to show my disgust for your lifestyle. There is a huge difference between the two: When you burn a LOT of tobacco, it is part of a treasured traditional ritual that I'm sure is practised somewhere in the world. That is very important to me as a Canadian.

A good rule of thumb is that cultures are more appreciated when Canadians don't know anything about them. That means that your Texan heritage is something we would prefer to overlook, and we think it would be best if you did, too. We've seen people from Texas on TV, and we're not impressed. Now, if you were to hand-roll sushi while listening to a CD of traditional chanting from Zaire, your activities would be cherished and supported. The side benefit is that we would not know if you were doing it incorrectly: you could stave off all criticism by telling us that yours is the most "authentic" way to make sushi.

Thanks for your question. The next time you visit my website, please hide your IP address by routing through a proxy server from a more enlightened part of the world, like Argentina. It makes me look bad when my web stats show too many hits from the southern U.S.