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Saturday, August 09, 2008

Flame me, please!

Reader-submitted question: Hrumph...I haven't gotten anything even close to a hateful e-mail or other correspondence in response to my own blog. I'm so frustrated that I'm thinking of trying to find a service that will send me one hand crafted hate mail message each week. Now how do you go about finding something like that...and who do I get to pay for something so useless?

I recently spent a bit of time cleaning trollish messages off my YouTube account, so I thought I'd be able to come up with something off the top of my head based on my own experiences. Sadly, "u r fat" is not the sort of insult I can be proud of. But I do think it's interesting and a little sad that when strangers want to insult a woman, they figure that saying she's fat will do the trick.

As a good Canadian, I am not in the habit of being rude to people, but I'll do my best. Maybe my readers can help.

Zach Bell is a bloated piece of crap just making his way through the sewer system of the Internet. And he's not floating on the top. No, Zach's blog is the sort of crap that leaves track marks on the bottom of the toilet in your office bathroom. You're just going about your day, minding your own business, when WHAM you're hit with the unmistakable evidence that someone (and by "someone", I mean Zach) has unleashed something nasty upon the world. You're horrified, and all you can think is that you need to get rid of it right away. But no matter how many times you flush, the marks don't go away. You're forced to go looking for a bathroom on another floor, because you wouldn't want anyone else to see you in there and mistake those marks for your own work.

That's what reading Zach's blog is like: holding your breath, trying to cover up the evidence of a stranger's impropriety, and hoping you don't get unfairly saddled with his richly deserved reputation.

Readers: I aim to please, but if you can do better, feel free to post comments.

UPDATED: Don't miss Part Two.

4 comments:

Zach Bell said...

Oh my Megan, I don't know what to say. I'll have to cook some type of response up somehow.

Megan said...

Was this not gross enough for your taste? I'm not sure I can get any more disgusting than this.

Zach Bell said...

Oh no, it was quite good. I mean, perhaps you could have thrown in a lizard corpse or something but really I have no complaints. I just don't know what I can cook up in response. I mean...I like to pretend I'm creative but from time to time, the facade fails miserably.

Well see...I have a headline...that's a start.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to remember if I might have dated Zach. I dated a number of real jerks in my past life and he seems to fit the profile - opinionated, stupid, yet just educated enough to seem like he could get a job in some type of public sector organisation. . .or maybe as a truck driver.