A bad day in celebrity flackdom

• Your client, Lindsay Lohan, goes to a bar and, for no apparent reason, decides to pull her skirt up to her waist. I know that I'm always rummaging in the top of my underwear in public, so this one should be easy to handle.
• Your client, Paris Hilton, takes more photographs of herself as a hard-core porno star. (No, I will not post the picture. This is a classy blog.) Your job is to explain that because Paris's thumb is not in the picture, the image must have been faked.
  
• Your client, Tom Cruise, makes you call a reporter and say that he has never encouraged anyone to convert to Scientology.