Welcome, Eye Weekly readers

You may be interested in my posts about:

• Canadian journalism
• Grammar
• The Being David Hasselhoff contest

Regular readers who follow my press clippings (and really, who doesn't?): I have been linked and quoted in Toronto's Eye Weekly.

Ice fog in Name of Town Withheld

Reader-submitted photos:



These photos were taken from my reader's office building on Wednesday morning.

What an interesting day

I have never voted.

It always seemed like a ton of effort for no personal payoff. And really, that's all it is for anyone. No election comes down to one vote. My ballot doesn't mean anything. I hear that they don't even count out-of-country ballots all the time. (Can that be true?)

This will be the fourth presidential election since I have been eligible to vote.

In 1996, I didn't want to vote for either of the candidates.

In 2000, I didn't want to vote for either of the candidates.

In 2004, I REALLY didn't want to vote for either of the candidates.

This year, I am pretty sure that I will want to vote for one of the candidates. Maybe both! How exciting would THAT be?

I wonder how to get a mail-in ballot.

The smartasses come out of the woodwork

(Photo from Alaska: note the Fahrenheit scale)

Reader-submitted question: I'm curious about this "ice fog" you speak of. Aside from the fact that the term itself is a contradiction ("ice" and "fog" refer to two phases of the same compound), I am surprised that ice could ever sublimate in sufficient quantities, in an unprotected setting, to produce a thick layer of fog...is there absolutely no wind up there, as well?

It happens that I have quite a bit of experience with fog, as I am a former resident of the foggiest place in the world.

Fog is really just a low-lying cloud: water droplets that hang in the air. Ice fog, on the other hand, is frozen ice crystals that hang in the air.

You don't believe me, do you?

It's made up of very tiny ice crystals. We don't get snow once the temperature dips below -20 or so, but it's not like snow at all. It's like fog.

Ice fog only forms when it's around -40. I honestly don't know if there's a certain temperature that's too cold for ice fog: I haven't seen temperatures lower than -50 or so unless you add wind chill like those wusses in the south.

We do have wind, but ice fog seems to form only on days that aren't windy. It's also possible that I don't notice it on windy days because the wind blows it away. It hangs near the ground, making it hard to see further than a few feet.

I've never seen ice fog outside the Arctic. Thanks for your question.

Just because nobody else is doing it

Michael has shaved his head and dyed coloured stars into his scalp.

I am not joking.

He is thrilled with himself and convinced that he will be the only kid in his school with this hairstyle. Steve and I are pretty sure that he is right.

He is going to have to wear a tuque when he's outside, but I wish I could be there to see his teacher's expression when he gets to school.

Brrrrr

It's -42 before the wind chill.

That's so cold that propane starts to liquefy. Some people buy special blankets for their tanks to keep this from happening. We've buried ours in snow, giving it its own little igloo.

At this temperature, a thick ice fog hangs over the ground. I can't get a picture of it: I want my camera's liquid crystal display to stay liquid. You will have to trust me when I say that it's there.

We stay inside, put on warm socks, and make hot chocolate. I am trying to turn myself inside out.

Happy birthday, Capitalist

Steve takes the US citizenship test

Steve's Big Plan

I can't wait. I CAN'T wait.

Reader-submitted question: When will we know who won the contest?

When the judge returns with her decision.

You see, judges are independent. She will take as much time as she needs to consider all of the submissions and determine a winner and runner-up. This is a serious matter. She needs to review fourteen separate entries from all over the globe in several different media.

Please do not rush her: I have full confidence in her abilities. I promise to let you know as soon as she contacts me.

Life in a fishbowl

Reader-submitted question: Is it weird to have more people you don't know checking out your blog and commenting on your life? I've felt like a few of the comments have been sort of harsh and have made me want to yell, "HEY! You don't know them! It's not like that!"

Yes, it's weird, but it's also nice in an odd way. I'm a writer, but my day job doesn't allow me to do the type of creative writing I do here. This blog is my outlet for personal, funny or weird things. (Forces of Evil: Put your subpoenas away. I'm not saying I want to write this way at work. If I did, it wouldn't be fun anymore.)

It's very cool to know that dozens of people show up every day to see what I've written. I do not have the type of numbers that bloggers brag about, but as I don't sell advertising, I'm not particularly worried about that. I only worry about writing something that's interesting to read and is "me".

When I started to get more readers, I wondered if this blog was too unfocused. It's a bit of this and a bit of that. Grammar tips sit next to Failed Mommy stories, which are next to David Hasselhoff worship videos. As any blog-improvement blog will tell you, this is not good. Nobody wants to read a blog that could be about anything. People want to know that when they come to your site, they are going to get -- well, I dunno, because I don't think I would want to write about the same thing every single day. I thought about splitting the blog into several pieces, and although I eventually banished Uriel, I decided that this is a personal blog. All of those things are part of me.

I also decided that I was going to be honest about things. Let's face it: sometimes I screw up. For example, I haven't been very good at explaining Hoff worship to my readers with Humour Impairment.

There have been a lot of reader-submitted questions and complaints. I love them: keep them coming. And yes, some of them have been more critical than others. With the exception of the Fuckwad Post, that's OK. They are sometimes the high point of my day. They make me stop to think about whether I screwed up even worse than I thought I did. They also remind me that total strangers like my writing enough to come back every day and send me messages about whatever I wrote.

Thanks for your question.

Blogger Lived "Pretty Boring" Life; Dust Bunnies Found Near Body

The elusive blogger known only as "Megan" was found dead on Thursday. Sources say she was wearing red pajamas.

An anonymous friend of the family reveals exclusively what was found near the body: "There was dirt everywhere. It was like she hadn't swept the floor in, like, a week. And old magazines. My God, the old magazines! How did we miss the warning signs?"

How, indeed?

Unofficial police sources confirm that prescription drugs were found several yards from the body. They included liquid prednisolone, a steroid. Needles were also found in the house. Official police sources refused to comment.

"Obviously, she was injecting herself with steroids," said the family friend. "What a tragedy. I blame myself."

Stormy and secretive, Megan refused to divulge her last name -- or even the name of her town -- on her blog. She seemed uncomfortable in the presence of tabloid journalists. In retrospect, the signs of illegal drug use are all too clear.

Confused, her fans came together in the only place they could: Megan's blog. At press time, no Facebook groups had been set up.

"Perhaps the Being David Hasselhoff contest was her way of reaching out," mused a commenter known online as Mom73.

"She seemed unhappy lately," posted JustPeeChee. "If only we had known!"

TMZ.com is reporting that although it's unknown who found Megan's body, that person called Hilary Duff instead of 911.

Another source indicates that a rolled-up $5 bill was found in the kitchen, but there were no obvious signs of drug contamination.

"What kind of messed-up person injects herself with steroids and then snorts every trace of drugs off a bill?"

Young and talented, Megan was an award-winning writer who took pains to distinguish herself from other bloggers. Although she often wrote in her pajamas, she would also wear a sweater. She took glee in mocking her city council and the inability of some reporters to write good.

Megan's family refused to confirm her death.

"It's not real," insisted Megan's husband, known on her blog only as Steve. "Don't you losers have anything better to do?"

14 Hoffs in 14 days

Yes, the Being David Hasselhoff contest was an incredible success. I am honoured by your response and already getting requests to make it a yearly event. We'll see.

I have several favourites, which is why I'm glad I found an impartial judge. She has a tough job ahead of her. Don't even think about trying to send muscly men to her office as a bribe: She is currently in an undisclosed location.

The submissions fall into a few broad categories:

Personal stories:
Anonymous
Lyndsy
Akeeyu
Ricki

Videos:
Sarah
Holly

Photo Illustrations:
Sally
Karan
Stacey

Original Photos:
Michael
Steve

Lyrics:
Glen

Analysis:
Darin
Torq

You are a very creative group: I had no idea I was going to receive such an eclectic set of entries. Choosing a winner and a runner-up is going to be quite a job. I'll let you know more as soon as I hear from our judge.

There's a man who leads a life of danger

Entry #14 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is from Sarah, who has left me speechless.



And the original:



To quote Michael: "THAT'S Aunt Sarah? Wow."

I occasionally have trouble playing Google videos from inside the blog, but you DO NOT want to miss this. If you click on the little "Google Video" button on the lower right side and then select "Go To Google Video", you can watch Sarah's creation from a Google screen. Bonus: It's a larger screen.

You may have missed:

Darin Investigates David Hasselhoff
Sally's Old Boss Is David Hasselhoff
Anonymous Works With David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Makes Torq Depressed
Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Tell your friends

The Being David Hasselhoff contest ends tomorrow (Wednesday) at 5pm Mountain Standard Time. That means that I will not be accepting submissions after that time.

If you have something you want to send for the contest, do it right away. You can put in as many entries as you want, but they have to be in by 5:00.

• E-mail them to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca
• Or post them in the comments box
• Or post them on your own blog and let me know by e-mail or through the comments

Anything that comes in between now and 5:00 tomorrow afternoon will go up when I get home from work. (Yes, I have a job.) Our judge, code-named "Sheila" to protect her identity from those who would try to influence her, will be reviewing all of the entries on Thursday and will return with her decision when she's good and ready.

In case you were wondering: No, I have not become a media darling during the course of this contest. How is this possible? I have no idea. It's so typical of the mainstream media to ignore the Hoff and his many, many contributions to society.

Speaking of celebrities...

Suddenly I'm thinking Jerry O'Connell might actually be cool. How did this happen?

I think I'm reading too much celebrity news

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think Amy Winehouse might be on drugs. Call it a hunch.

Also, there has to be some way to keep Britney Spears from killing herself within the next six months. Seriously, what toddler should have to be locked in a room until the cops show up and take his mom away on a stretcher?

This is what the writers' strike has brought me to.

I'm not sure what to say about this

Lucky #13 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is from Darin, who has apparently spent a lot of time considering the similarities between Tom Jones and David Hasselhoff.

Who is the icon?

Tom

or

David

UPDATED: Hmmm. There was a table here, but the formatting wasn’t working. I have replaced it:

Tom:
Wears tight breeches and billowing shirts

David:
Wears tight shorts and no shirts

Tom:
Known for over sexuality

David:
Known for being over the top in acting

Tom:
1965 hit "It's Not Unusual" (#1) won a Grammy in 1965 for Best New Artist.

David:
Had a #1 hit (in Germany) in 1989 “Looking for Freedom”. Most other releases failed to enter the top forty. His chart record is slightly better in Austria and Switzerland

Tom:
Had an internationally successful television variety show from 1969-1971 titled This is Tom Jones.

David:
Starred in Knight Rider 1982 – 1986, nuff said

Tom:
26 hits which made into the top 20 during this time frame.

David:
Is an Internet phenomenon, mostly as a subject of fun. Numerous websites have appeared and there is currently a campaign to get him a number one single in the UK.

Tom:
Shows are traditionally a knicker-hurling frenzy of raw sexual tension

David:
Internet shows reflect aptitude to yelling at a Wendy’s meatpie

Tom:
Internationally successful television variety show from 1969-1971 titled This Is Tom Jones. First act booked- Elvis.

David:
Late 2006, a musical based on his life called David Hasselhoff: The Musical opened in Australia before moving to the United States. Hasselhoff describes it as "totally campy".

Tom:
Has a star on the Walk of Fame for his contributions to the recording industry

David:
Received star in 1996 that people walk on.

Tom:
Married at 16 he has one of the longest histories of marriage in the entertainment industry (41 years).

David:
Married in 1984 divorced in 1989, Married in 1989 divorced in 1986. Striving to marry 41 times.

Tom:
Was knighted by the Queen in 2006 for his contributions to the recording industry.

David:
On August 2, 2006, Hasselhoff proclaimed himself king of the internet

General:
Although Tom was married in 1956 (at 16) it is obvious with such charisma that he could have fathered a child at 12 (David?). Being from a Coal mining town he had to keep busy.

Although they are never seen together David does have some unique characteristics that are reminiscent of Tom.

Both are considered sexual icons.

David strives to be like Tom and exude talent one day.




This is very disturbing evidence. Perhaps a public inquiry is in order.

I know you're David Hasselhoff. And I know you're thinking about sending me the proof. Hurry up: the contest will be ending in under 48 hours. E-mail your entry to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca or post it in the comments box.

You may have missed:

Sally's Old Boss Is David Hasselhoff
Anonymous Works With David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Makes Torq Depressed
Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

The Woodcock-Johnson Battery

Back to business in a moment, but first:

Round One in the Canadian Blog Awards ends at midnight tonight (Monday). If you haven't voted for me yet, please go here and vote. (Did you know this is a Canadian blog?) The site is set up so you can only vote once from each IP address. That means that it might not work from a computer on a shared network like the one at your office.

If you read other Canadian blogs, please vote for your favourites. Yay for Canadian blogging!

Proof of a Higher Power

Entry #12 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest comes from Sally, who has proof that even religious people love the Hoff.

Who am I kidding? There's no way to prove that David Hasselhoff is not a god. Therefore, it must be true. This explains many things, especially:

Before I left my job with the Catholics, I spent the afternoon with a co-worker putting my boss' head on Hass' body. The result was this…


He saw the picture and loved it. Which is scarier… the photo itself or my boss liking it?

There's no doubt: David Hasselhoff created the universe and is responsible for all of the good things on this planet. Disease, on the other hand, is caused by people who don't love the Hoff. (It's hard to believe, but these people DO exist.) If you believe in the Hoff, after you die you'll get to live on a sandy beach where everyone runs in slow motion. If you DON'T believe in the Hoff, after you die you'll be tortured forever. And forever's a long time.

But wait! I'm selling indulgences! Send me proof that you are David Hasselhoff: dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca. Or post in the comments box. Or if you see me on the street, grab me by the shirt and make your pitch.

You may have missed:

Anonymous Works With David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Makes Torq Depressed
Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Introducing the judge for the Being David Hasselhoff contest

I'm pretty open about myself here on the blog. But one thing you probably don't know about me is that I am sworn to uphold respect for the law. Yes. It would be unethical for me to, say, launch into an extended critique of the Herd And Fencing Act. And not just because it would bore you to tears. (Note to self: The Commissioner may appoint ANY person as an officer!? Fascists! There's clearly a conspiracy here. Practise fiery speech and arrange suitable time and place to win the masses over to my side. Remember to invite Name of Paper Withheld.)

No, that would be wrong.

And so I know you'll be impressed to learn that I have secured a person who is actually qualified to be a judge to be the judge for the Being David Hasselhoff contest. And when I say that, I mean that the judge is qualified to be a judge. A real judge, not a judge of pants.

I'll just wait for you to pick your jaw up off the floor. You probably didn't realise that I have such impressive connections.

Security is paramount. What if some unscrupulous person attempts to unduly influence the judge? For this reason, I will not be releasing her last name. I will refer to her only as "Sheila". Even that may provide too many clues to her identity. I am concerned that someone may send shirtless men with chocolates to her office in a crass attempt to gain favour. What if she didn't share them with me? (The shirtless men, I mean. I'm on a diet.)

Remember, the contest ends Wednesday at 5pm.

We can work it out

This should have gone up weeks ago. I got distracted and forgot to load it to the blog.

Very Important Message

Today I am announcing the Formal End Date of the Being David Hasselhoff contest. The capital letters are just there to remind you that This Is Serious.

After two weeks, the contest will end at 5pm Mountain Standard Time on Wednesday, January 23, 2008. That will give our judge time to review the entries on Thursday and report back with a winner.

Oh yes, I have a judge. And I think you'll be impressed. Stay tuned for this exciting announcement.

While you're waiting, your heart pounding from this news, think about how to prove that you are David Hasselhoff. You have to send me the proof. It has to be creative. I know you're up for this challenge. Consider the immediate benefits:

• Fame. The entries are posted on my blog, where 4.39 million people see them.
• Link love. If you have a blog, I'll link to you.
• Confirmation that you are not alone in your belief that David Hasselhoff is perhaps the last True Hero of our time.

And you might win! How awesome would THAT be? The winner will get to write on my blog. Think of the possibilities! Can you handle the crush of readers? Are you ready for that sort of scrutiny? Trust me, they'll start to ask you weird questions about whether your feet smell and complain about your font size. You, in turn, get to ridicule them publicly. This is Web 2.0. It's a fair trade-off.

If you don't win, well, at least 4.39 million people will know that you are David Hasselhoff. And if you're the best loser of them all, you're still a winner: The runner-up will receive a Donny Osmond CD. It is so awesome that Steve has Sharpied his name on it out of fear that someone would break into our house and try to steal it. You know that's gotta be good stuff.

David Hasselhoff, Big Shot

Entry #11 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest comes from Anonymous. I'm not sure how he or she expects to collect his or her prize if he or she wins, especially since I HAVE FINALLY SECURED A JUDGE FOR THE CONTEST.

I happened to meet The Hoff a number of years ago, when he was shooting a movie.

He would be off-camera, talking to his business manager and agents, in person and on the phone, like a mogul. Then when they were ready to shoot his scene, he would grab his script, memorize the line in seconds, walk on, shoot it, and then go back to the phones and meetings.

At one point I heard him seriously ask his business guy..."how many shows do we have on the air right now?"

He was The Big Shot, at that time.

This story gives me chills. Seriously, did anyone doubt that David could memorize a line in seconds and be ready to shoot? With all of the talk about so-called "serious actors" who need months of prep work before blocking a scene, I almost lost my faith in True Theater. Once again, David Hasselhoff saves the day. Can someone put a medal on him?

Anonymous, if you win, you are going to have to prove your identity before you can claim your prize. That is especially true now that I have found the perfect Donny Osmond CD to send to the runner-up. Steve wrote his name on it at some point in the distant past, apparently out of concern that someone would try to steal it out of our CD rack here in the Arctic.

You may have missed:

David Hasselhoff Makes Torq Depressed
Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

The Being David Hasselhoff contest causes depression

Entry #10 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest comes from Torq. I missed this when it came in, but I have reviewed my guidelines and this definitely qualifies.

While I have no claim to meeting the Hoffster, I think that it is fair to say that after viewing these photographs I am a genuine Hoffstage. There can be no hope for me now that I have fallen captive to the peerless masculinity of the Hoffmeister, reeking as he does with pure primal sexual energy.

My only thought, my every thought, echoing endlessly in my mind,
How can I ever compare to him?

I admit it: this is a serious mental-health issue. People eventually realise that they can't be as sexy as David is, but accepting it can be difficult. In situations like this, it's best to ask for help. When the bottle's your only friend and you're constantly running in slow motion and scrutinizing your chest for hairs, your friendly local psychiatrist can give you medication to dull the pain.

You know what's at stake. You know what to do.

You may have missed:

Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

The Being David Hasselhoff contest gets classy

Entry #9 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest comes from Karan, who is a very busy and important person but who still understands the animal magnetism of a hairy pectoral muscle. When she's not attending meetings where coffee is served (sometimes with a sandwich bar!), she's thinking of new ways to make herself more like David Hasselhoff.

One of the things I love about living in Western society is that we have so many choices, including the way that we look and, to that end, who we want to be. On a recent holiday, we decided that it would be fun to do a little "medi-tourism" in Maui and we treated ourselves and the kids to plastic surgery, David Hasselhoff style. It cost about the same as dining out in Kihei.

As you can see, the results were outstanding. Just to shake things up a bit, we all chose a bit of a different "Hoff" look: the kids went with something sporty, while Arnold went with something sexy and sophisticated. I chose "mystery,." although I admittedly look a bit pinched in this photo.

At first, it was a lot of fun. People asked us for our autographs, perfect strangers purchased meals for us and hoteliers offered us free lodgings in exchange for hanging out at the pool and smiling. I was interviewed by People magazine. That said, there is a dark side to this. The kids are suddenly expected to speak fluent German and one day at the beach some teenagers were pointing at me and saying something about David having a major "man-boob" problem.

Since we returned to Canada, we've had to change our telephone number twice so that Karlheinz Schrieber would stop calling us and asking for money to fund his legal defence. And forget about going to McDonalds - we haven't been able to get a burger in weeks!

This is definitely one of my favourite entries so far. I was thinking about it all day long and giggling to myself. I wanted to post it during my lunch break, but I would never think of using my work computer to post personal items on the Internet. No sirree. That is NOT the type of employee I am.

You, on the other hand, cannot be trusted, which is why I know you're just dying to send me stuff from your work computer. By now, I think you know how to enter. The prizes are HOT HOT HOT. The winner will get to take over my blog for the day. The runner-up (just a nice way to say "number-one loser") will get a Donnie Osmond CD. What are you waiting for?

You may have missed:

David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Jump in my car

Entry #8 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is from Lyndsy, who has escaped the tyranny of supermarket hell and is now living under an entirely different type of tyrannical rule: grad school.

My brother used to dance whenever the Knight Rider theme song was on. My brother has no rhythm.

It's a DAVID HASSELHOFF MIRACLE! How else could you explain his sudden ability to dance when the Knight Rider theme song came on? I normally don't believe in miracles, but this is David Hasselhoff we're talking about. Anything is possible. He can probably raise people from the dead.

Everyone, go and check out Lyndsy's blog right now.

Now that you're back, let's review the rules:

1. Come up with a creative way to express your Hoff-itude. This contest is going to be ending soon, so get cracking.
2. Send me your one-of-a-kind creation. Post it in the comments box or e-mail it to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca. Or post it on your own blog and let me know it's there.
3. Pray.

I am trying to secure a True Hoff Celebrity to be the judge. If I can't get a True Hoff Celebrity, I will find someone else. This shouldn't be hard: lots of people are interested in me now that I've posted a picture of myself dressed as the Hoff on the Internet. People shout at me in parking lots.

You may have missed:

Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

A small clarification

A number of readers have sent me videos or images of David Hasselhoff that they did not create themselves. I love these; they are hilarious. However, I cannot accept them for the Being David Hasselhoff contest. You must create your entry yourself. You can use someone else's work as source material (like the Baywatch theme song or a photo of the Hoff), but the final submission must be a one-of-a-kind creation.

I will accept multiple entries from the same person, so if you have several ideas, you don't have to pick between them.

BREAKING NEWS

The Being David Hasselhoff contest has been featured on The Daily Hasselhoff.

It was only a matter of time

So far in the Being David Hasselhoff contest, I've featured photos, personal stories and even an original song. Today I bring you the very first video submission. Entry #7 is from Holly.



You might want to watch it several times to get the full effect.

As all of my readers know, David Hasselhoff is incredibly hot and incredibly sexy, even when he's lying on the floor eating a hamburger. ESPECIALLY when he's lying on the floor eating a hamburger. That video got millions of views because he had his shirt off. Naturally, people are going to save that sort of thing to their favourites lists. You can't blame them for following their animal urges.

This contest is heating up. Can you handle it? Send me proof that you are David Hasselhoff. Make sure it's creative. Post it in the comments box, e-mail it to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca or post it on your blog and send me the link. Remember, THERE ARE PRIZES.

You may have missed:

Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

This is SO HOT

Entry #6 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is from Akeeyu.

My closest Hoff contact was when a college classmate mentioned that an episode of Knight Rider was filmed at a winery where she was working and she not only Met The Hoff, but sat directly in The Sacred Car of Awesomeness. Yes, KITT. I immediately squealed like a silly fangirl and yelled "OMG, can I touch you?" and then did. On the arm.

It does NOT get any better than this. I might have to lie down from the sheer excitement of it all.

You may have missed:

Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

A true celebrity

Entry #5 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is from Stacey, who apparently KNOWS THE HOFF PERSONALLY.

I've also seen this photo floating around the Interwebs:

You would think that if Dave Navarro wanted to hitch his wagon to David Hasselhoff's star, he could at least Photoshop his head onto Stacey's body in a more realistic way. Never mind. This happens all the time: Some two-bit wanna-be will try to boost his career just by standing next to an incredible musical genius. This isn't the first time, and it won't be the last time. The Hoff and I are used to it.

The challenge is simple: Be David Hasselhoff in a creative way. I will accept videos, photos, original artwork, poetry, stories, songs -- anything creative. There are three ways to send in your entry:

• Post it in the comments box;
• E-mail it to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca; or
  
• Post it on your own blog and send me the link.
  

First prize is space on this blog. Imagine getting the immense exposure that would come from having something you wrote on this blog! It's probably hard for you to imagine, actually, so you'll have to trust me when I say that it is mind-blowing. Second prize is a Donnie Osmond CD. I know this will be a popular item, because one reader contacted me to say that his entry was calculated to get second place. Sadly, only one person can be second best.

I am trying to secure a True Hoff Celebrity to judge this contest. Stay tuned.

You may have missed:

Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Public-service announcement

I interrupt this blog for an important message. The Canadian Blog Awards are underway. It's round one, and you can vote for the best blog in a number of categories.

Perhaps most importantly, THIS BLOG HAS BEEN NOMINATED. Go here to support me. You can only vote once in each category, so I'm sorry, Saskboy, but I voted for myself. (But I still love you!)

I will only make it through round one with your help. I'm totally serious. I can't do this on my own. Please click that link and vote for me. While you're there, vote for your favourite Canadian bloggers in all of the other categories. We've got some amazing talent up here and need to reward it.

"Baywatch has helped save lives"

Naturally, children now want to be part of the Being David Hasselhoff contest. Meet Michael:


Think you can do better? Prove it! Enter through the comments box or by e-mail: dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca.

You may have missed:

Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Is this a complaint or a compliment?

Reader-submitted: This blog is turning into a soft-core porn site. When are you going to post the picture of you with the Shar-Peis?

Uh...

Um...

OK, you win. For the first time since I've had this blog, I have no idea how to respond.

Some people stand in the darkness

Glen has taken the Being David Hasselhoff contest up another notch. Entry #3 is a song to the tune of "I Am The Warrior".

Original song:


New lyrics (SING ALONG!):

I run, run...run so slow
It's a skill...that you don’t know
Running on...my hunky thighs
I bet you're not so exercised

Well, it’s my love..that you need
A wild need like a growing weed
Break out of East Germany
And follow my career’s meteor rise
I am your man.....a star in your eyes

Chorus:
Shootin' on the sets of Baywatch, splash, splash, I am the Hasselhoff
Well I am the Hasselhoff, and heart to heart you'll win…if you survive the Hasselhoff....the Hasselhoff

You talk, talk, you talk to me
Your eyes touch me physically
Stay with me, we'll take the night
As passion takes another bite, oh

Who's the singer...with the fame?
You hear the fans...call my name
I keep them warm...in Germany
You can’t ever tame my animal style…
I won't be caged...I’m the call of the wild....

Repeat Chorus

I am the Hasselhoff

(Guitar Break – picture the Hoff’s dance moves here)

Shootin' on the sets of Baywatch (shootin' on the sets of baywatch)
The Hasselhoff.....
I am the Hasselhoff, and heart to heart you’ll win
heart to heart you’ll win...if you survive
The Hasselhoff...the Hasselhoff

shootin' on the sets of Baywatch, splash, splash, I am the Hasselhoff
yes I am the Hasselhoff and Germany is mine
(shootin' on the sets of baywatch)
The Hasselhoff...I am the Hasselhoff

Glen's blog, Granted Null, is a MUST READ. If you're the type who likes to check out the torts on a plaintiff, you should definitely click that link.

Metaphorically, you're sitting on the beach, watching everyone else frolic in the water. It's time to drop your towel and jump in the ocean! Send your Being David Hasselhoff submission to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca, or post it in the comments box, or put it on your own blog and send me the link. Don't be afraid: someone will rescue you if you start to sink.

You may have missed:

Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

Step 4: We hire the worst actors in New York

Entry #2 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is a photo from Steve.


Sadly, Steve does not have a website, so you'll have to believe me when I say that he is extremely cool.

I am accepting submissions for this contest through the comments box or by e-mail: dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca. You can also post on your blog and let me know through a link to your post. Anything creative will do. Perhaps you'd like to do your own version of OOGA-CHAKA and upload it to YouTube.

First prize is space on my blog, or, if you prefer, a blog swap for the day. Second prize is a Donnie Osmond CD. Go! Be creative!

You may have missed:
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff
I Am David Hasselhoff

I never thought it could happen to me, but boy, was I wrong!

Entry #1 in the Being David Hasselhoff contest is a personal story from Ricki.

In 1977, my best friend and I went to California for a visit--our first time abroad and on our own. We were wacky 17 year olds and wild about Y&R (and if you know David, you know what that is!!). Coming from Canada with a 6-hour time difference to LA, we woke up our first morning there at 5:30 AM. Didn't know what to do, so wandered downtown and noticed CBS studios. Back door was open. We snuck in.

My friend started jumping up and down and freaking out when we came upon a set: "This is Mrs. Chancellor's living room! This is Mrs. Chancellor's living room!" Of course, a security guard spotted us and came over to see who the heck we were and what we were doing there. I guess we were just so darned cute (and in the interest of US-Canadian relations), they gave us each a guest pass to the set and LET US SPEND THE DAY WITH THE SOAP ACTORS. Can you imagine the elation for two teens on their first day in LA??

We met a whole bunch of people (most of whom are no longer on the show), but were more entranced by Snapper--ie, David. He told us about a great beach to visit, some stupid vinyard (two teenaged girls??), the gruelling soap schedule and how great it was to work there, etc. etc. etc.

Everyone, go and check out Ricki's very cool blog RIGHT NOW.

I think we can all agree that this is a fabulous entry. What've YOU got? I am accepting anything creative. Use your imagination. Remember, there are prizes.

You may have missed: I Am David Hasselhoff.

Being David Hasselhoff

UPDATED, OCTOBER 2008: ROUND 2

Today I debut a new feature called Being David Hasselhoff. I am actively soliciting submissions for this feature. I know you're good at complaining, but are you creative?

The idea is simple. It's about being David Hasselhoff. You can write a limerick, shoot a video or make a scrapbook. Anything creative will do. Post links in the comments box or e-mail submissions to me: dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca.

There will be prizes. Oh yes, there will be prizes. I am offering space on my blog to the winner. You can write about anything you want. If you don't have your own blog, this could be a way to dip your toe into the blogging world. If you have your own blog, perhaps you'd like to swap blogs for the day: I'll post on yours and you can post on mine. The runner-up will get a Donnie Osmond CD. (You know you want it.)

I'll get you started.




Now, does anyone know where I can find some Shar-Pei puppies?

UPDATED: Entries as of today:

Sarah Is David Hasselhoff
Darin Investigates David Hasselhoff
Sally's Old Boss Is David Hasselhoff
Anonymous Works With David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Makes Torq Depressed
Karan And Her Family Are David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff Performs Miracles On Lyndsy's Brother
Holly Eats Like David Hasselhoff
Akeeyu Touches Someone Who Met David Hasselhoff
Stacey Knows David Hasselhoff
Michael Is David Hasselhoff
Glen Run Run, Runs So Slow
Steve Is David Hasselhoff
Ricki Meets David Hasselhoff

"My only criticism is..."

Reader-submitted complaint: ...NOT ENOUGH HOFF. Your blog has been a little light on the Hoff lately.

Yes, I know. I've had a lot of reader-submitted items and haven't been able to get to the stuff that really matters. This will be rectified shortly.

Until then, I leave you with proof that God exists: He talks to David Hasselhoff.

Amid all the adversity, whenever I had problems, God always said 'Here's Chicago, here's a book, here's the No. 1 TV show, here's the No. 1 movie, here's a recording deal, here's two million downloads. I'm gonna make you the biggest star in the world, David, and I'm going to give you responsibility with that, and you can either take it or you can fuck it up.' I fucked it up, I've taken it.

He is so inspiring. David, I mean. Well, now that I think about it, so is God. How come I never get messages from heaven promising to make me the biggest star in the world? It must be because I'm not hot enough.

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

Reader-submitted compliment: Please tell Steve that I'm inspired by his threat of taking $1 away every 15 minutes. I plan to employ this on my husband, who will crack the minute any threat with a dollar amount is imposed.

I have to admit that Steve is a genius. We used to take toys away from Michael, but he simply has too many toys to feel the loss of one of them too keenly. ("HA! Well, I've got 500 Legos!")

His piggy bank, however, has been built up slowly over the last few years. He still has the $5 bill he earned two summers ago for looking after the neighbour's cat. His father pays him to rub his feet. (I refuse to rub feet.) He now has $140.

Over the past few months, Michael has started to understand that money can be traded for goods and services. He has enough money to buy things he wants, but when faced with the choice to save or spend his own money, he usually decides to save it. The Capitalist would be proud.

This was the first time we ever threatened to take money away. There is very little punishment in our house: Michael is generally a very well-behaved kid. Although I hope there isn't a next time, at least we know what worked this time.

Yes, I am a bad mommy

Reader-submitted complaint: Your son clearly watches too much "CSI". Not only is he violent, but he's coming up with alternate explanations for his violent behaviour. Aren't you worried about that?

Hmmm.

Perhaps this should be a lesson to me. Perhaps this blog should never chronicle any of my secret fears or personal disappointments. It should only detail my proudest days: moments that I'd like to preserve for all time and brag about.

But then it wouldn't be real.

My life is like yours: no better, no worse. Like you, I'm secretly worried that I'm not measuring up to everyone else. The bottom drops out of my stomach at least once a week. I'm terrified that everyone is going to figure out that I'm a huge fraud. Strike that: I know they'll figure it out. Really, how far can semicolon expertise take me? And I know I don't measure up to the Stepford Mommies at Michael's school and the ski club.

To answer your question, I'm not worried about Michael. Although I was upset about the hitting, I was more concerned about the fact that he lied for five hours about what actually happened. I'm not excusing it: hitting is bad. It is wrong to hit other kids. But it was a momentary lapse in judgment. I think the lies were worse because they were sustained over a long period of time. I wish he had come clean about the hitting right at the start.

I should probably clarify that he does not watch CSI at all. (What kind of mother do you think I am?) We've dealt with the problem, and he and his best bud are still best buddies. I will probably continue to worry about my own skills as a parent, though.

Probably? Who am I kidding?

Happy birthday, Dad

Heads you win, tails I lose

Reader-submitted question: Why does your employer's legal counsel read your blog? And who are the Forces of Evil?

HAHAHAHAHA. Statistically, my friends are more likely to be current or former journalists, but I do have a number of readers with legal training. Of that group, some are lawyers who work for my employer. I occasionally joke about this, but no, our legal team does not have me under surveillance.

As far as I know.

Hmmm.

Lawyers are GREAT! I love lawyers! HA HA! Don't sue me!

As for the Forces of Evil, well, they've changed over time. I used to use "Forces of Evil" to refer to a very specific person, but over the last year or so I've started to use this phrase to mean anyone out there who's reading this blog to keep an eye on what I'm saying, but not in a nice way.

Yeah, that's a bit weird. There is one way to determine whether you personally are a Force of Evil:

• Do you read this blog, or do you "monitor" it?

The Forces of Evil "monitor" this blog. They hope that one day they'll be able to use this information against me. They are very disappointed that the most exciting thing on this site is the collection of grammar tips. Still, they persevere. One day they will catch me! Then I'll be sorry!

No, they don't scare me. They are basically a running joke. I know they're out there, but I'm not saying anything too dangerous, especially not now that I'm under surveillance by our legal division.

Looking out for love: big, big love

Reader-submitted compliment: My New Year's resolution was to tell you that I adore your blog. I mostly just sit around waiting for you to put up another post. Then I read it, tell other people that you have a new post, and wait for you to write another one.

Really?

Are you guys pulling my leg? I am not used to getting compliments; it is mostly a steady stream of complaints around here.

I set up this site on a whim one day after reading Amy's blog -- it's linked over on the right. I'd been having the same frustrations everyone has about trying to keep in touch with family. I decided that I would start a blog and write every day. I didn't know what I would write about, exactly, but I had the basic idea down. Everything else just sort of happened naturally. Little Miss Know-it-All popped out one day when I wasn't expecting it. So did Uriel.

Somehow, other people started their own blogs. My family was first. Then my friends started to blog. (They're all over on the right.) I pour a lot of myself into this site: if you come here every day, you probably know everything there is to know about me. You probably hate a few things about me, but at least you know what I'm all about.

Probably? Who am I kidding?

Michael's birthday party

Happy birthday, Princess Janet

A quick poll

This is open to everyone, including the fetishists.

Did you catch the reference in my blog title? One of my best friends missed it, but others called me immediately to ask about it. I'm wondering if it's more obscure than I thought it was.

How did THIS happen?

I cleaned out my closet the other night.

Over the past few months I've been shopping a lot. A LOT. My clothes just don't fit.

I've been stuffing my old clothes into the bottom dresser drawer. Lately, though, there hasn't been enough room in the drawer to hold them all. Something had to give.

I went through the closet and all of the drawers. I piled up everything that didn't fit. Everything that's more than two sizes too big is going to the shelter. The rest is, yes, going back in the drawer. I can't get rid of everything at the same time. Pants cost at least $25.

I was tired by the time I reached the bottom of the drawer. That's when I started to pull out pants that I barely recognised. They were huge. I stared at them for a little while.

They were huge.

I didn't like where this was going.

I was huge. Maybe I'm still huge. Clearly, I am not very good at seeing the obvious.

You see, I don't remember myself as being that big. I think I was in serious denial. I would look at pictures of myself and think "I don't look like that". I had healthy blood-pressure and heart rates, and I ate healthy food, so I thought I was fine.

I'm not sure what to make of this. How out of it am I?

Another family photo

This picture of my cousin Jake with his daughter Sid is just too cute: I have to share it.

The Year In Review -- of MEMEMEMEMEME

Today’s episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: LOOK AT ME! I’M A REPORTER! REALLY, I AM! YES, I AM!

Is the Globe’s Style section getting worse, or am I just crankier than usual?

End-of-year articles are normal. They’re not good, but they’re normal. Newspaper staff want to take time off, but the publisher still needs to deliver a certain number of ads to readers. Something’s got to go in between those ads, and there’s a limit to the number of I’m-so-embarrassed-about-being-vapid-but-damn-it’s-fun-to-be-vapid columns Leah McLaren can crank out in a week. (Tomorrow: Leah tries to be nice to homeless people, but decides to drink Cosmos instead.)

So the editor orders up some year-in-review text to fill the space between the ads. Don’t worry: Sarah Hampson leaps to the occasion.

I’m not sure why I never noticed Ms. Hampson until recently. Like our friend Ms. Eckler, she is on a crusade to convince the world that her own personal situation is the hottest ticket around. Goody. That’s what we really need in the newspaper: another woman who is willing to debase herself for 25 cents a word. And so we’ve been subjected to story after story explaining why divorced women are sexy. It’s too bad, because I think there’s a place for a columnist who wants to write about life after divorce. This, however, is not exactly what I had in mind.

Ms. Hampson brings us the 2007 Review Of – wait for it – Ms. Hampson’s Interviews. This is hard to believe, but apparently, reporters interview people. Yes. I was amazed, too. The opening anecdote is about an actor who, shockingly, thought Ms. Hampson was stupid. Not being intelligent enough to catch on, Ms. Hampson was “as ecstatic as a schoolboy who has just uncovered a stash of Playboy magazines.” Nice.

But wait! There’s more!

Ms. Hampson has also interviewed marijuana enthusiast Marc Emery. (Um, ditto. Who hasn’t, I ask you?) And Howie Mandel! And Leonard Cohen! What a career she must have! She is so glamorous. I bet that if she wasn’t a reporter who is willing to give people free newspaper coverage for their pathetic projects, D-list celebrities like Tia Tequila would STILL want to talk to her. She’s just the kind of person who attracts that sort of attention. Sit back and admire her.

Is 2008 going to be any better?

As the sparks fly upwards

Reader-submitted question: What happened with Michael? I am on pins and needles.

Well, what happened is that I am an idiot. An idiot who will believe anything.

I didn't witness what happened. I was in the living room, obsessively checking my site meter. As usual, I had earphones in so I wouldn't miss a second of The Chain. Michael and Daniel were down the hallway in Michael's room.

I didn't hear what happened, but I did hear the door open and close. Michael came into the living room alone and looked out the window. He had an odd look on his face.

"Did Daniel leave?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Why did he leave?"

"I dunno."

I continued to analyze my blog statistics until the phone rang. It was Daniel's mom. She asked what happened, and I said that I didn't know, but that Daniel had left very abruptly without telling us why. That's when I found out that Daniel was claiming that Michael hit him in the face.

I was taken aback. This was not like Michael.

Daniel's mom and I both thought there might have been some mutual play-hitting that got out of hand. I called Michael over to check him for smack marks. There were none.

"What happened with Daniel?"

"Nothing."

"Did you hit him?"

"No."

"Why do you think he would say you hit him?"

"I don't know."

At this point Steve and I were both fairly sure that there had been an accident that Michael didn't want to admit to. We asked him to describe what he and Daniel had been doing just before he left. Michael explained that they had been playing Spider-Man and that Daniel had been lying on the floor, while he was on all fours. Oh, and there was no hitting.

This sounded like a plausible story. I could imagine him accidentally hitting Daniel in the face by crawling past him. Very likely.

Likely, but not true.

I made Michael call Daniel to say he was sorry. He did this grudgingly. I could hear Daniel saying that he did NOT want to come over, because Michael was smacking him and smacking him and smacking him. Then he hung up.

Michael looked upset. He said he had NO IDEA why Daniel would say such a thing. We pushed a bit more. He insisted that he didn't do anything. Then he flung himself on his bed and began to sob guiltily.

I started to wonder if he had done anything. What if he wasn't crying out of guilt, but because his own parents were accusing him of hurting his friend?

Steve put his foot down. Steve, you see, has training in child psychology. He told Michael that he HAD to take responsibility for whatever he did, and HAD to make things better with Daniel. Michael screamed at us: we did not care about him! (STOMP STOMP STOMP.) He did not remember! He didn't know what Daniel was talking about! He couldn't possibly apologise!

Steve told him that he had 15 minutes to think about what he wanted to do, and after that, we would be taking $1 out of his piggy bank every 15 minutes until the issue was resolved. ("AAAAAAHHH! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY MONEY! YOU ARE THE MEANEST PARENTS EVER!!!")

I am not good in situations like this; I am much too anxious for everything to be better. That's why I almost believed Michael when he told us that Daniel had pulled on his leg and that he had smacked Daniel in the leg. By this time, several hours had gone by, but I remembered that the original complaint was about smacking in the face.

Steve asked Michael to re-enact the situation, like they do on CSI. That's how Michael realised that it could not have happened the way he said it did. It could only have happened the way Daniel said it did.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I had not wanted to believe that my son was capable of doing such a thing to his best friend.

Michael sobbed and sobbed. He had lied, and lying had NOT made it better. The lies were hurting his chest. He was sorry for lying.

But it wasn't over. The lies were serious. You see, Mommy had passed on the lies to Daniel's mom when she called to find out what happened. He had to apologise to Daniel's mom for lying, and he had to apologise to Daniel for hurting him. ("I'm really sorry about what I did. Can we still be friends?")

Thanks for your question.

Family photos

I meant to put these up weeks ago and just forgot.