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Friday, March 21, 2008

Yet again, we have ruined a stranger's fun

We are sitting in an Indian restaurant, listening to the world's most annoying white woman.

She is very unhappy to see us here, because we are also white. Just by sitting in the restaurant, we have single-handedly destroyed its authenticity. This is a problem for her, but she is a big enough person to get past it. She just needs to re-establish herself as the expert in the room. If she doesn't, one of us may reveal that we have met someone from India, and then she will be completely shamed. She has to make the first move.

She sits at the table next to us and begins to shout to her companions. There is no need for her to shout: the tables are quite small. However, it is the only way she can be sure we will hear her.

"MY BROTHER MARRIED A WOMAN FROM INDIA. WHEN SHE CAME TO VISIT US, SHE HAD GOLD ALL UP AND DOWN HER ARMS. SHE ASKED US WHERE OUR SERVANTS WERE. WE HAD TO TELL HER WE DIDN'T HAVE SERVANTS!"

And on and on. Eventually, she mentions that she lives in London, which is when we realise to our horror that Annoying White Woman is Canadian. There's no way she could be from England.

"MY BROTHER'S WIFE'S SISTER MARRIED BASICALLY THE INDIAN STEVEN SPIELBERG. HE WAS A BIG-TIME MOVIE PRODUCER."

Her tablemates feign interest.

"I WANT BEEF. HOW COME THERE'S NO BEEF HERE?"

Waiter: "Because this is an Indian restaurant, ma'am."

"MY BROTHER'S WIFE ATE BEEF, AND SHE WAS FROM INDIA. WHAT REGION OF INDIA ARE YOU FROM?"

"Northern India, ma'am."

"SHE WAS FROM NORTHERN INDIA, TOO, AND SHE ATE BEEF. I THINK YOU SHOULD SERVE BEEF. INDIANS EAT BEEF."

4 comments:

Karen said...

Maybe we could gift her to England. Secretly.

Ben Holsapple said...

I believe the blog "Stuff White People Like" did a post on this phenomenon...

Cin said...

OMgoodness, trying so very, very hard not to laugh hysterically, especially since this post about beef went up on Good Friday.

Nicole said...

Oh., don't we love people like that?

I think they should serve pork over here, they all love it.....

Doooh....