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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Blog Share: Summer Edition

Today's guest blogger will remain anonymous.

Hello Loyal readers, snarky commenters, and anyone attempting to look busy at work by staring at their computer screen,

As Megan mentioned, I am the anonymous blogger participating in the Summer Blog Share and creating a bit of distraction in your day. And yes, I will type this post wearing a mask and donning a cape to conceal my identity. I was prompted to write something I would never submit to my own blog. Unfortunately, I suffer from a self-diagnosed case of unabletokeepadarnsecret-itis and, therefore, have nothing to hide. Like any good journalist-in-training, I did some researching of Megan's blog to see if there were any topics where the perspective of Southern Californian would lend a new perspective. Alas, no.

To keep myself from asking stupid questions about Canada, I will go with what I know best. I am Black (African-American, a little brown spot of happiness, however you choose to reference me), so I thought of going all serious with a discussion of race in the southern United States. But it’s been done. And you don’t care. Then I was going to do a Top 10 of Moments of My Complete and Total Idiocy, simply for the fun of knowing someone out there is genuinely more gullible than you’d ever imagine. But you folks seem far too well-read. That leaves me with what I know best: My complete and utter ignorance of current events.

As much as I love to read books, I simply cannot stomach news programs. The Hubster devours MSNBC, The O’Reilly Factor, Hannity & Colmes as though they were highest point on the food pyramid. The internet homepages usually point to the most salacious stories, which are recounted in such brevity, I forget I even read them. Like the pangs of hunger you get 10 minutes after eating Chinese food. A newspaper? Bad for the environment. Newsweek? Drivel in the news world. I may as well be taking political science at Perez Hilton University. It doesn’t help matters that The Hubster is in some testosterone-induced duel with our cable company.

We planned to get satellite, but our apartment faces a direction that prevents the dish from catching the satellite feed. Yes, that satellite. The one in space that enables me to get cell phone reception in bowels of a gay bar. Go figure. Since our apartment complex has an exclusive contract with the aforementioned cable company, his choices were to go back with tucked tail to get it reconnected or simply go without. Once he solved the equation chatty wife – cable TV= increased need for wife to engage in conversation, he decided to reconnect the cable. Then got called out of state for work. For a month. So I have been without TV for almost 2 months.

Daily, people ask me how I feel about the New Yorker cover feature Michelle and Barack (because, clearly, we are all on a first-name basis), the earthquake in China, the Olympics, or Angelina giving birth to the twins. They all get a shoulder shrug, because I have no idea what’s going on. Other than the hour I spend in the gym reading the closed captioning on summer reruns of What Not To Wear, Law & Order, and Cash Cab; I get no information about anything at all. And I’m OK with it.

I’m OK with it because none of it makes sense to me. Our election is a joke. We don’t vote until November and politicians are liars who will say what they need to say to get elected. Obama didn’t put his hand on his heart ONE TIME during a pledge of allegiance. Gasp! McCain is old. Double Gasp! Cindy McCain plagiarized a recipe from the Food Network? Off with her head! Who the hell cares? If I thought any of the doubletalk that occurred on the campaign trail would cease once the candidate was in office, maybe I would. Until the day someone actually speaks with some integrity, I will continue to vote for the person I believe will lie to me the least. (Let’s be real. I’m voting for Obama because it would be indescribably effing cool to have a Black president).

Earthquake in China. Dude, that sucks. But our economy is in the shitter here, people. Gas costs an arm and a leg a gallon, people who were enticed into impossible loan terms are losing their homes, folks are getting laid off, and our legs may fall off from eating contaminated tomatoes. Oh, and we’re still spending billions of dollars on this 7-year war. I hate to sound selfish, but we got our own stuff to deal with before we start ‘making it rain’ around the world. Not to sound completely uninformed, but couldn’t a portion of the tourism money being brought in from the Olympics be siphoned over to earthquake relief? I’m just asking.

Angelina, Nicole, Jamie-Lynn all have babies. Awesome. Except, don’t women, even (and especially) unwed teenagers, do this every day? Unless their babies are coming out of womb with election results, a war withdrawal plan, and some dough to help our financial crisis; I don’t think I could arouse the energy to care. So don’t cry for me for being out of the loop. If it was important, I’m certain I would catch on a blogroll, text message, email, website homepage, or (gasp!) someone would call me. My ignorance is truly bliss and I will swim in it until the day our television is bombarded with cords and I am unwittingly watching the 2am showing of “Gleaming the Cube” on HBO 74.

Thank you for reading. You will be returned to your regularly scheduled blogger tomorrow. Good night and good luck.


P.S. For those of you who hated this post because you really wanted to hear my Top 10 of Moments of My Complete and Total Idiocy, I’ve leave you with 2. Enjoy!

  1. I worked in a Christian Bookstore for a month before I knew it was a Christian Bookstore.
  2. I conditioned my genital region for a month because a guy-friend told me men preferred it soft and shiny. (He later told me he was kidding)


Megan said...

Anonyblogger, it is a pleasure to host your guest post.

CityStreams said...

HAHAHA! It's midnight and I'm going to wake the baby for laughing so hard. You pretty much said word for word, my opinion of politics. Although your way with words is much funnier than mine.

And I love the last two gullible points. If it makes you feel any better, I once asked my husband if Taiwan is the capital of Thailand.

amanda said...

Ha ha ha - love the last point.

alyndabear said...

Loved this post, it really did make me snort a couple times out loud.

heidikins said...

Hahaha, this, my anonyfriend, is classic. Kudos to you.


Trudie said...

For claiming to be uninformed you're pretty informed about some topics... Good post though - with the incredible amount of news, quasi-news and garbage we're bombarded with every day it's almost a must to distance yourself from it at times.

Stefanie said...

The Christian bookstore thing is hilarious. And... did the guy notice any difference post-conditioning? ;-) Just curious.

Sauntering Soul said...

OMG. This was hysterical and I really needed a good laugh this morning. So thank you anonymous blogger!

lizgwiz said...

Oh my! I'm sure I had some other comment planned, and now all I can think about is "genital region conditioning." Bwah!!!

Lara said...

Oh my god, I wish I knew who you were so I could read your blog regularly, because I kept going "ME TOO!" as I read this. I too don't have a goddamned clue what is going on in the world, and I too do not care about that. I just don't think I could ever exlpain it as hilariously as you did. You rock!

Also, I have totally conditioned the genital region as well. I didn't notice a difference, though. I wonder how many readers are going to go home and try it now?

Ween said...

That last confession made me laugh out loud.

Also: I have satellite TV - I'm no better informed than those without, except that I can tell you that I'll be watching the premiere of PR tonight.

Allie said...

Yeah, the Christian bookstore thing is really funny.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. I loved the whole thing!

nancypearlwannabe said...

I've actually stayed up to watch Gleaming the Cube at 2 am. Who wouldn't, really?

Pants said...

I've gone through periods of living without cable for the same reasons. There are so many ways to receive news and frankly I have depression problems and sometimes I have to cut myself off from the news...because my poor, sensitive head doesn't know how to deal with today's atrocities.

After reading two of your Top 10 of Moments of Complete and Total Idiocy, I beg of you to post the full 10 in the next blog share. I can't stop laughing about the Christian Bookstore.

Sra said...

I loved this. I agree with you too -- ignorance is bliss. There's so much drivel going on in the media anyway, it's probably best to not listen to it all. I wish I knew who you were, as I love your writing.

Anonymous said...

To All- Thanks for your comments. After reading the stuff others put up anonymously, I'd wish I'd gotten more saucy! I'm not sure how anonymous I am supposed to remain but I love visitors and would be happy to welcome you to my little blog anytime.

Megan- Thanks for letting me post (and for not sending it back to me with tons of red, corrective ink!)

Trudie- All the information I had, I Googled. I am informed enough to know that ignorance has boundaries.

Stefanie/Lizgwiz- I was single at the time, so I had no one to chime in on the "softness" test. After he stopped laughing, friend told me he actually preferred stripper-style grooming with shapes and stuff. Yeah, he and I NEVER hooked up!

Nancypearlwannabe- I could watch "Pump Up the Volume" a million times but "Gleaming the Cube" is painful at any hour. Clearly, Slater needed money for drugs when he made that.

Pants- It is not even funny how obvious it was that I worked in a Christian Bookstore. I worked in the gift shop and spent a good chunk of my day personalizing Bibles. My only thought was, "Wow, there are TONS of sinners in this town!" Ugh!

Courtney said...

I love it, anonyposter! All of it! Especially that part about Perez Hilton University. That sounds like an SNL sketch waiting to happen.

Rock on with your out-of-the-loop self!

Noelle said...

I don't watch cable news, my RSS feed provides me with everything I need to know...

Ad I love that you worked at a Christian bookstore without knowing it was Christian. It's like the times that I've listened to Christian music unknowingly... but sort of worse...

JR said...

LOVE your two Moments!

Also, I hate the news. I am often mocked for my ignorance with regard to current events, but I don't care anymore. The news makes me sad, and I don't want to be sad.

nicole said...

I could never express myself that witty, but this is exactly what's going through my mind when watching what's going on in the US.....(and the Rest of the world).
(and if you want me to visit your little world one of these days, just hop by over my blog and drop a note, I'll come :) )