Oh, COME ON

CBS investigates:

• Is Stevie Nicks a witch?
• She is so awesome. How does she write such wonderful songs?
• What's up with her hairstyles? She's changed her hair since the 1970s!
  

How low can TV journalism go? We might have an answer!

I'm not aware that there is ANY news hook here at all, and I say that as a fan. She's not touring. She hasn't released a new album. She wasn't even the one who announced that the band will be touring in 2009. There is absolutely no news value in this sort of interview.

I could ignore this if there was some indication that the interview is intended as a human-interest-type profile. In fact, you could make a case that true journalism isn't just about what happened yesterday; it's about putting all of the pieces together to reflect something that's even more real than the news. I really like profiles. They give a reporter the opportunity to ask probing questions that show a person as he or she really is.

News flash: Witches are not real. If a famous person is actually delusional enough to believe that he or she can control evil spirits, that might be worth some inquiry. Questions about hairstyles are the sort of fawning garbage I expect from ET Canada, not from CBS News. The reporter is positively giddy at being in the same room with Ms. Nicks, who, to her credit, is answering the questions very seriously. This is all so odd that I wonder if a publicist set it up and insisted on ground rules: no questions about Ms. Nicks herself.

I also feel compelled to tell the producer of this item that Don't Stop is not a Stevie Nicks song. Nice try, though.

Maybe your attention was more than you could do

Reader-submitted question: Why would you be so mean to that guy?

Mrs. Bell? Is that you?

Zach WANTED me to be mean to him. He said that he doesn't get rude comments about his blog. He wanted to get a message like the one I got from the PETA weirdo from Singapore. Did you miss that part of the post?

It's OK. You're not alone: A lot of my regular readers have Humour Impairment, too. In fact, we may have enough of you now to form a support group. Perhaps I can put you in touch with the reader who complained that I do not use smileys often enough.

Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know

Reader-submitted question: Where did you get those David Hasselhoff greeting cards?

I got them from a reader in the States. I believe they are available at Target, and there are several different types you can choose from. You can see photos of the set here.

I know what you are thinking: How could you possibly choose just one? And how could any retailer put a price on ART like this? I could not agree more. That's why I like to use the free e-card service from David Hasselhoff Online. Sometimes I send them to myself, just so I can pretend that I am getting e-mail from David.

However, e-cards are not appropriate for every situation. Sometimes, nothing can replace a card in the mail. For example, after a job interview, you'll want to make sure that the interviewers have a good impression of you. But you'll also want to stand out from the crowd. Anyone could send a hand-written message. If you really want to be sure a potential boss will remember you, send a card with a picture of the Hoff, shirtless, leering through his car window. I guarantee you will make an impression.

I'm so afraid of the way I feel

I need to take a break. See you in a few days.

Happy birthday, Philosopher King

I was going to post "Mari-Mac", but then I remembered that you thought it was dirty. I definitely would not want to offend your delicate sensibilities. That sort of vulgarity is beneath me.

This sweet, traditional song about a young man who falls in love with a mermaid is probably much closer to your taste. Considering the Princess's stated career goal, this video is probably as close to perfect as I am going to get today.

Argh

Editors at the Paper of Record: Please use some discretion with Leah McLaren's columns. You cannot possibly be contractually obligated to print this garbage.

Leah now informs us that she only SEEMS like a normal person. The truth is that she is a weirdo.

I see.

Even before I read the column, I knew this was going to involve a comparison to a celebrity, and Leah does not disappoint. She imagines herself to be quirky and adorable, just like a character Jennifer Aniston played years ago!

The proof:

• When she was 12, she tried to get people at summer camp to call her Jordan, but they wouldn't go along with it. They thought she was ridiculous. (What a shock.)
  
• She wanted to find a lost ferret. Not because she likes ferrets, but because she thinks other people will think she's eccentric if she has one. It apparently does not occur to her that stealing someone's pet is not eccentric behaviour that would make her look quirky and adorable. Rather, it is the sort of self-absorbed behaviour I already expect from her.
• Who needs a third example? Not Leah/Jordan!

I have no idea why the Paper of Record is publishing this.

Here's something Leah would discover with even the slightest bit of critical thought: Her headline is a lie. She is not a weirdo trapped inside a regular life. She is a boring person trapped inside a pathetic world she has built for herself.

Here's a column idea for you, Leah: Why do you still, in your thirties, want people to think you haven't changed since you were twelve?

Funny how the cracks don't seem to show

What a boob

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: We've heard it all before.

You would think that by now, store owners would be smart enough to just shut up about not liking breastfeeding. But apparently not.

The story's familiar: A woman is either asked to stop breastfeeding or is shuffled off into a corner. The next day, she shows up with dozens of her closest co-lactationists. (No, that's not really a word.) News spreads and the store looks stupid. Meanwhile, idiots come out of the woodwork to proclaim that breastfeeding is disgusting, or, alternatively, totally fine as long as women are discreet about it.

I am opposed to discreet breastfeeding, mostly because the only people who talk about it are total jerks.

"As long as it's discreet" is code for "as long as I don't know it's happening". People who say this usually mean one or more of the following things:

• They should never be exposed to a baby who is beginning or ending a meal.
• They should never be able to tell that the baby is eating at all. Ideally, they should not be able to tell that the baby even exists.
• Babies should have blankets fastened securely over their heads while they eat.
  
• Babies should eat in the public bathroom. (This is one of my favourites.)
• Anything other than this is basically the same thing as peeing in public.

The alternative to breastfeeding is a screaming, hungry baby. I know which is more disruptive.

Flame me, please!

Reader-submitted question: Hrumph...I haven't gotten anything even close to a hateful e-mail or other correspondence in response to my own blog. I'm so frustrated that I'm thinking of trying to find a service that will send me one hand crafted hate mail message each week. Now how do you go about finding something like that...and who do I get to pay for something so useless?

I recently spent a bit of time cleaning trollish messages off my YouTube account, so I thought I'd be able to come up with something off the top of my head based on my own experiences. Sadly, "u r fat" is not the sort of insult I can be proud of. But I do think it's interesting and a little sad that when strangers want to insult a woman, they figure that saying she's fat will do the trick.

As a good Canadian, I am not in the habit of being rude to people, but I'll do my best. Maybe my readers can help.

Zach Bell is a bloated piece of crap just making his way through the sewer system of the Internet. And he's not floating on the top. No, Zach's blog is the sort of crap that leaves track marks on the bottom of the toilet in your office bathroom. You're just going about your day, minding your own business, when WHAM you're hit with the unmistakable evidence that someone (and by "someone", I mean Zach) has unleashed something nasty upon the world. You're horrified, and all you can think is that you need to get rid of it right away. But no matter how many times you flush, the marks don't go away. You're forced to go looking for a bathroom on another floor, because you wouldn't want anyone else to see you in there and mistake those marks for your own work.

That's what reading Zach's blog is like: holding your breath, trying to cover up the evidence of a stranger's impropriety, and hoping you don't get unfairly saddled with his richly deserved reputation.

Readers: I aim to please, but if you can do better, feel free to post comments.

UPDATED: Don't miss Part Two.

This made me laugh

From the comments at Friendly Atheist:

How many atheists does it take to tell a joke?

33!

• 4 to tell the joke.
• 12 to wonder if joke-telling sends the “wrong message” to the religious majority.
• 7 to argue back and forth about why humour is or is not an appropriate mind-changing tool.
• 3 to sternly suggest that religion is NOT a laughing matter.
• 4 to self-righteously assert that children NOT be let in on the joke. Because that is child abuse.
• 2 to intone darkly about how this “doesn’t reflect well” on atheists.
• 1 to imagine that the joke actually will metamorphose into the thing being parodied, and that atheism will then make a religion of itself, with all the same trappings, robes, songs and candle-lighting.

Memes, memes everywhere

Saskboy has tagged me for another meme. For some reason, I enjoy doing these things:

(A) Four places I go over and over: Edmonton, Orlando, Dexter, uhhhh...the Toronto airport? Really, there's no other place I go. It's not like it's easy to drive out of here.

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: Away from work, almost all of my e-mails are from people who are posting on my blog. The people who comment most are Torq (AKA Philosopher King), Scribe, Karen and Miss Lyndsy.

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat? I usually eat at home, the pub across the street or the Vietnamese place around the corner. When the tapas place opens again in the fall, Steve and I will probably start going there again.

(D) Four places you’d rather be? Big sigh. I have to limit myself to four places? Perhaps I could just say that I am ready to leave Name of Town Withheld and would like to move south.

(E) Four people I think will respond: All of them.

(F) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: I only watch a few TV shows, but I have Lost, Big Love and Arrested Development on DVD. I don't think I could watch anything else "over and over", but I do enjoy late-night TV on the rare evenings I can't sleep.

This tag is passed to four people I know in person: Karen, Karan, Cindy, Glen. Just copy the questions, write your own answers, and tag four more people.

"I curse your whole family"

Reader-submitted complaint: hope youre whole family gets reborn as seals and you see you're mother being culled like the bitch she brought you up to be. I curse your whole family just cause you believe seal hunting is just. You will also continue to be poor and freezing in that beautiful ice plate you call home. So yeah, continue earning a living off fur, and blubber. You people are so mentally and emotionally wasted and a redundancy to this planet. You should kill each other and sell your meat and fat to your relatives. It's a pity you have to live off fish you're whole life, rednecks. Maybe then the world would be truly be rid of the last remaining savages when youre corpses are 7 feet below ice.

I'm sure you'll understand when I say that when I received this complaint, I dropped everything and e-mailed it to as many people as possible. After all, you don't light a candle and hide it under a bushel.

This is now my favourite reader-submitted complaint of all time.

Happy birthday, Steve D

What, Anglicans aren't fun?

Reader-submitted greeting cards

Imagine my excitement when I found THESE in my mailbox!


MORE PICTURES OF THE HOFF WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.

I adore my readers.

And because you pervs are always after the Hoff's back side:


Thank you, reader. You are awesome.

"If you identify yourself, or could in any way be identified..."

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: Just don't say anything. That way, WE don't look bad.

Remember the CNN producer who was fired for blogging in his spare time?

Well, CNN has finally come up with a blogging policy to guide its employees' activities online. Apparently, they wanted to make sure it was restrictive enough to allow the guy to be fired. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to backtrack and say that a person was fired under a policy that didn't exist at the time and, even when it was developed, wasn't tough enough to allow firing based on what he actually wrote! What a black mark on the company THAT would be!

Here's the policy.

The gist of it is that CNN would like to control what its employees say on their own time. All of its employees. Even behind-the-scenes people like shooters. Even freelancers, who aren't employees at all but are still covered by this ridiculous policy. Some of the more interesting parts:

We’ve gotten a number of questions from CNN staff wanting clarification of CNN policy on communicating publicly about our work, or on news or public affairs -- on the internet. In Blogs. In Chatrooms. On video sharing sites. On social networking sites.

I sure hope these guys don't write anything that the public will read. This is a disastrous attempt at parallelism. In fact, the entire policy is such a grammatical mess that my shoulder muscles seized up several times while I was trying to read it.

[I]f you’re discussing things that are in the news, keep in mind you could be seen as representing CNN, and therefore you should not comment on the issues CNN covers.

I love this. I assume that CNN sees every blog as representing the official views of the blogger's employer. This is helpful. It means there are no personal blogs, only official company websites.

CNN’ers are encouraged to visit Second Life, just keep in mind it’s a public place and the same rules (listed above) apply as they would to “real” public life.

Also: CNN'ers are encouraged to play Scrabulous, WoW and online chess!

CAN I HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE OR BLOG?

Yes. But you should notify your supervisor about it, to have it cleared as a non-conflict for your work. Your supervisor may choose to then have it cleared at another level or by S&P. And again, you shouldn’t post commentary on anything you might cover in your work or CNN may report on, or write about the CNN workplace or post CNN material without permission by a senior CNN manager.

I really have a problem with managers "approving" personal blogs. Why would any company want to approve someone's blog? I absolutely don't understand this. When some idiot posts racist material on the Internet, the last thing you want is the media reporting that the guy's blog is company-approved. You want to be able to say that his blog is entirely personal and the company had nothing to do with it.

No commentary on anything you might cover in your work. I agree with this one. A health reporter probably shouldn't be blogging about health trends. It blurs the line between your personal blog and the work you do for your employer. A good rule of thumb: If you're writing something that looks too similar to something you might produce for your employer, it's probably best to use it for work instead of your blog.

No commentary on anything CNN may report on. Hmmm. I'm not sure how anyone would predict this. Staff are now supposed to know in advance what the news will be? This is just stupid.

HOW ABOUT MYSPACE, FACEBOOK OR OTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES?

Again, on these sites only write about something CNN would not report on.

"Would not report on" is not the same as "may report on". I'm not sure which was intended here, but really, it doesn't matter. I don't know how you could possibly write only about things CNN would not report on. Is there a list of topics CNN refuses to do stories about? I've watched their coverage; I know they report on just about everything. (Check out this recent story about yo-yos.)

It's good to have policies about self-expression, but this isn't the way to write them. I still think that Name of Employer Withheld has one of the best policies I've seen. To summarise:

Employees may say what they want about matters of public interest. However, they cannot use their jobs to give their personal opinions added weight.

Common sense and normal journalistic ethics are all that CNN needs. They just need to figure out how to get some.

I wrote more about reporters' blogs here.

Leave Barack alone!

Could the CBC possibly suck any more?

Apparently so.

"Joe Clark" (AKA Fake Ouimet) took a look at the small print for the MotherCorp's stupid contest for a new Hockey Night in Canada theme. I knew it was awful, but I didn't realise just how bad it was.

My favourite line is In the event of any dispute concerning the operation of any element of the Competition or these Competition Rules, the decision of CBC will be final.

I repeat: $100,000 is a pathetic offer for a theme song on the national broadcaster's most popular program.

Happy birthday, Ben

*You* are on the record. *I* am not.

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: The rules of journalism don't apply to journalists!

A reader sent me a link about the New York Times' placement of a story about the money, fame and influence female bloggers have. Apparently the Times believes that this sort of story belongs in a section called "Fashion and Style". You see, anything women do belongs in the Style section. Not in Business or Technology, even if the story is about the business of technology.

I'm not saying that Style is a lesser section than the others, but the placement does seem a bit odd to me.

I'm not the only one. Amber Naslund wrote a letter to the editor complaining about it:

I’m so disappointed that you managed to completely undermine the professional, hardworking group at BlogHer by parking that article on your “Fashion & Style” page. Why not Business? Technology? These women are changing the face of technology and the online world, and you’re parking them off in a trivial corner instead of among the gamechanging minds of Web 2.0 where they belong.

This is exactly why glass ceilings exist. Way to take a legitimate, amazingly powerful event for professionals and treat it as “aw, how cute!”.

Shame on you.

And that probably would have been the end of it.

Until the Times decided it didn't like what Amber had said. An editor contacted her and asked her to change the letter. Apparently, the Times believes it doesn't have an answer for her. They can't respond to questions about placement, because stories are placed wherever they are pitched.

Hmmm.

This is interesting, because it's only half true. I do believe that stories are placed where they're pitched, because this is common in the industry. For example, if I'm freelancing to CBC and pitch a story to Definitely Not The Opera, it won't air on Quirks and Quarks even if it's about science. The shows have separate producers and don't usually give stories away to each other. I assume the Times has a similar setup.

Now, was that hard to explain? Does it look like the sort of thing that doesn't have an answer? I'm trying to imagine what would happen if someone told the Times there wasn't an answer for whatever question their reporter had posed. I'm betting the issue wouldn't just go away.

It gets better.

The editor also asked Amber not to reveal her name, because she's not a higher-up and doesn't speak for the section.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it!

You have probably already grasped the silliness of this, but let me spell it out more clearly: A representative of the New York Times has asked a member of the public to change its criticism of the paper, and then asked for anonymity because she is not an official spokesperson.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I hear a lot of complaints from reporters that people won't go on the record for their stories. They don't WANT to talk to the guy at the top; they want to talk to the employee who really has all of the dirt. And they want to talk to that person in a casual way at the grocery store, so he doesn't realise he's being interviewed. Well, that describes the news industry better than any other.

What a bunch of hypocrites.

BREAKING NEWS: CBC staff psychologically unhealthy!

Reader-submitted question: Have you seen this?

Yes.

Judging by the number of times people have sent me this story today, this is of keen interest to my readers.

A 2005 survey showed that almost half of the CBC's staff were suffering from high levels of psychological stress related to their working conditions. That's the same year there was a bitter, months-long lockout, so I'm not sure if the survey was completed before or after all of that nastiness. I'm also not sure if it's an accurate reflection of the current situation.

CBC treats its staff really poorly. I am still bitter that they screwed me out of my maternity leave because there were two days I did not work while I was moving to the Arctic. It was a weird human resources thing: I was short two days on paper and they were unwilling to accept that I had probably put in the equivalent of two months of unpaid, unclaimed overtime. I was furious, but unable to do anything about it.

I am not fond of unions, but the situation with management at the CBC is just ridiculous. The stories about people being systematically screwed over are infuriating. When people across the country started to compare notes, they realised that they had all been told the same thing: there was coincidentally only enough work to last the exact length of time the CBC would not have to pay them benefits or convert their jobs to permanent positions! Who would have imagined it?

I'm not sure why they seem to hate their own staff. During the lockout, I heard a lot about the need to be "flexible". This meant that they needed to be able to fire people for no reason at any time. Their solution: converting permanent positions to short-term contracts. They claimed that young people want contracts. You see, young, sexy, carefree people don't want to be tied down to permanent positions with health benefits and pensions. Flexibility is IMPORTANT to them. Only old fogeys with hair coming out of their ears want permanent positions. Dental work is for losers. And really, which would you rather be: young and carefree or old and toothless? Clearly, short-term contracts are for you!

This argument never made sense to me. Sure, I like flexibility. And there is nothing more flexible than the ability to quit my job whenever I want to. That's why I took a permanent job.

They also claimed that they needed to be able to fire bad staff. I would never argue that bad employees should be kept on the payroll. Sometimes people need to be fired. However, the CBC's problem is not that they have no way to get rid of bad staff; it's that they have been unwilling to follow their own rules about disciplining people. The rules were set out very clearly in the collective agreement. People could be fired. And yet, they usually weren't. Why is it the union's fault when management can't get its act together enough to fire someone who deserves to get the axe? The problem was never the collective agreement or the staff. The problem was management.

For another perspective on this story, check out Tea Makers.

Eclipse

Check out Clare's photos of last night's eclipse over Nunavut. Very cool.

When someone else says it

Reader-submitted question: Isn't it better journalism when everyone is allowed to say whatever they want instead of the editor reporting his/her choice of comments?

No.

Journalism is much more than simply repeating what people say. It requires careful consideration of all facts, going beyond "he said/she said". (This is also known as "On the other hand, Mr. Hitler says..." style.)

Allowing everyone to say what they want is not journalism at all. It is the equivalent of broadcasting a town-hall meeting. There's certainly a place for that, and some people actually prefer it because it's unfiltered and therefore more accurate. But it's not journalism.

Journalists have an obligation to present facts. This is tough when you're simply republishing the unfiltered opinions of people who refuse to provide their real names. In fact, one of the unofficial rules of journalism is that even anonymous sources have to give their names to the reporter and editor. Most comment boards completely ignore this rule.

Journalists also have an obligation to weigh opinions. That doesn't mean that they decide who's telling the truth in every situation, but it does mean that people shouldn't be able to dominate a news story by being exceptionally stupid or annoying.

I understand why people find comment boards interesting, and I applaud Canadian media organizations for trying to include their readers. I hope that in time, they will figure out how to maintain proper ethical standards in their online coverage.

Thanks for your question.

News 2.Oh

Today's episode of Little Miss Know-it-All: WE DIDN'T SAY IT! SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT!!!

Before I begin, I will put up the standard disclaimer for the benefit of the Forces of Evil: I am not a lawyer or an expert on the legal implications of publishing material without editorial review.

A few days ago, I posted about a story in the Paper of Record that turned into a virtual graffiti board when the editors opened up the comment section and then apparently refused to moderate it.

This particular story hit home for me and several of my readers, but there is a legitimate journalism issue here: the publication of unreviewed reader comments.

As Russell Smith informed us a few months ago, when newspapers publish comments on their sites, it makes them innovative and cool. Just like bloggers, only WAY WAY cooler than loser bloggers who don't have columns in the Arts section of the Paper of Record.

This is a new issue: it wasn't even considered when I worked in the media. However, it is not really all THAT new, in the sense that news organisations have been accepting and publishing feedback for a very long time. Newspapers call this the letters to the editor section. CBC calls it Talkback. Either way, the idea is the same.

For several years, part of my job was to review and prepare Talkback for broadcast. This was usually the easiest thing I did all day. People would leave us messages; I would record them into our computer system, edit out any weird stuff, and write anything the host would need to say about the comments that had come in that day. Just about anyone could do it.

I did not, however, broadcast every message I received. Some people would call every day. Others were boring or off-topic. A few did not have anything to contribute: they simply repeated points other callers had made much more effectively. These messages were quickly deleted.

That was years ago. The Internet has made it possible to leave messages on news stories without a journalist's review. You can write ANYTHING on the MotherCorp's site or the Paper of Record's site.

This is one of the clearest indications that they still don't take the Internet seriously. It would never occur to the Paper of Record to publish any old opinion that came in the mail. I spent a summer working for a show that had a daily hour-long phone-in. All callers were screened. All calls were on a seven-second delay, and the host politely ended calls from people who were really stupid. This was standard then, and I'm sure it's standard now. There is no reason to turn your programming over to any idiot with a phone line.

The Internet is a new medium, but the same rules should apply. Idiots who want to post racist, hateful material should not find a willing partner in our national media.

My Grampy

Transcriber's Note: I discovered this in my drafts folder. Clearly, it is from just before our last trip south. I didn't want to post it then because I didn't want to let my parents know that we were going to show up at the annual family reunion.

My grampy was tricking me. He said that only old people could wiggle their fingers like him, but I figured it out and I am gonna show it to him when I see him. And he snaps his fingers really fast. I am good at snapping my fingers and I am gonna be just as good as him.

I am good at other things, too. Like I am really flexible, and I don't think he is as flexible as me. And I am a good skier. I once skied for three miles in minus 45 and I wasn't even cold. And nobody else was with me because they all thought it was too cold. I bet I am better at skiing than my grampy.

My dad says that Grampy looks like Indiana Jones, but I don't think so. My grampy has a big big head, and Indiana Jones has a skinny head like my dad's. So I don't think they look the same.

From Michael

I am in a nasty mood

Four people from Up There drowned last week when their boat capsized on the way to their whaling camp. They were all from the same family. A fifth person, a thirteen-year-old boy, managed to swim to shore and was rescued two days later.

This is the sort of horrible, awful story that we hear every year. It is genuinely terrible.

The Paper of Record covered the story and then threw its comment section open to any moron who wanted to get extra prominence for his stupid opinions. And there were many.

You see, the family was going to a whaling camp.

What, you don't see the connection?

They were planning to kill a whale.

You're still confused?

Apparently they DESERVED to drown (even the seven-year-old daughter) because they were going to kill a whale. Yes.

As you'll recall from sealing season, if someone kills an animal, he deserves any hardship or injury he might happen to suffer. Even if he dies, at least an animal's life has been saved.

I think I might be sick.

Normally I would say something sarcastic about the role of the media and the responsibility of the Paper of Record in this situation, but I really don't have what it takes tonight.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

I am such a geek. Between hammering and sawing for the renovations on the bedroom, I have been excitedly checking the progress on my new website.

It is almost done, but I'm not quite ready to move over there, so don't change your links just yet. I know it looks like I'm over there, but I'm not. Soon the links will work and everything will be in the right place. How exciting!

Seriously, I am in awe of Amy's web skills. And yes, I am a loser.

The day's work

My bedroom has walls and a floor!

WALLS AND A FLOOR.

This is a really big deal. We bought our house four years ago and have been renovating it slowly ever since then. The bedroom is the last thing to get done. I cannot wait. I CANNOT WAIT. I was about to start disassembling our bed so we could move back in there, but Steve wants to hold off until tomorrow.

I don't think I can wait that long.

We have been sleeping in the spare room for over a year. This is not bad on its own, but it means that none of the things that would normally go in a spare room could be put in the spare room. Instead, they have piled up all over the house. From my perch on the couch, I can see two file boxes, a number of storage boxes, five piles of paper, two yoga balls and a drying rack. And that's just the crap in the living room. We have an entire room that is full of storage boxes, luggage and old books. Exactly the sort of thing that ought to be in a spare room. NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY KITCHEN AND SPILLING OVER INTO THE HALLWAY.

I can't explain why, but I cannot handle the mess any longer. This has to END.

And we are so, so close. Did I mention that my bedroom has walls and a floor?

If Steve wasn't asleep in the bed, I would already have taken it apart and hauled it back in there. As soon as the bed gets out of the spare room, we can lay the flooring in there and get all of this mess out of my line of sight. I am pretty sure we could have it all done by tomorrow night. We COULD. I know it.

Breaking news

Reader-submitted: OMG!!!

Wow. This is very exciting, and it has already been an unusual day for me: I have both a Failed Mommies dinner AND a Supreme Court swearing-in.

Clearly, I will be travelling in 2009. Who wants to go with me?

Advice for new grads?

I signed up to be a mentor at my alma mater.

I am not really inspiring enough to be a mentor, but I figured it might be fun. I am supposed to offer advice and support to new grads.

The first e-mail arrived today. They would like me to submit a bio and photo (fortunately, I have one that was just taken the other day!) and my responses to these questions:

1. What advice have you been given that you've never forgotten?
2. What do you think is the King's difference?
3. What do you wish you knew then that you know now?
4. Who or what had a major influence on your life?
5. What advice would you give to someone graduating from King's today?

This might be more serious than I thought it would be. I am supposed to come up with someone who influenced me? And it's supposed to be impressive, I'm sure.

1. I only accept advice from this website. And I never forget it.

2. Okay, I'll be serious. King's is different, for sure. I have a friendly rivalry with a friend of mine who went to Carleton, but I really do think King's is the best journalism school in Canada. It's really small, so you get all of the personalized attention you need. I was one of four people in my class who graduated with the same specialization I did. All four of us got jobs right away with CBC, but we were all definitely indebted to our radio professor for going to bat for us. Within nine months, three of us had permanent jobs with CBC North. (All three have since left the MotherCorp. The fourth is a reporter for CBC Calgary.)

3. I wish I knew that marketable skills were the key to getting a job. Well, I knew this, but it's the difference between knowing and understanding. King's does two things really well: journalism and interdisciplinary liberal arts. While you're there, it's easy to get sucked into deep philosophical discussions that only lead to larger student loans. There's a place for that, but it's not the working world. I have a mortgage and a family: I'll take marketable skills any day.

4. Moving north really affected me. The Canadian Arctic is an incredible place, and I think it's a great place to start out as a journalist. (It's a great place to continue or finish your career, too.) However, nothing affected me more than becoming a mother. After Michael was born, I quit my job at the MotherCorp. I'm still a writer -- I use the skills I learned at King's every day -- but I'm no longer a journalist.

5. The way to be successful as a writer is to do whatever you do really well. For example, Amber MacArthur was in my graduating class. At that time, online journalism wasn't even close to being what it is now, but she was excited about it and she's now very successful. This sounds like really trite "be true to yourself" advice, but it's really true. You have to figure out what you're really good at and then carve out a job for yourself. If you can establish yourself as the best in your field, there will always be work for you.

Fun with Wordle

The other day, I was playing around with Wordle, a program that scans a website and then produces an image that displays the most common words on the site. Words that appear more often are larger on the screen. Here's the image Wordle spat out for this blog:

Hmmm.

I can't say I'm surprised. And here's the Wordle for Steve's videoblogging account:
And the blogs my family members write:



And a sample of my friends:





The best part is that they are all immediately identifiable.

For those who don't think I'm a Canadian "herione"

Reader-submitted question: OMGoodness please tell me you are joking.

What?

Am I not allowed to change my mind? Don't call me a flip-flopper. No, I have changed my mind based on new evidence. I should be lauded, not mocked.

Because I know the CBC has my blog under surveillance, I will describe how I came to this new opinion. CBC management knows that because I have a blog, I am on the cutting edge and am "contributing to the conversation". They are desperate to know what I say about them.

I used to believe that contests were insulting. I believed this because of the long-standing exploitative practice of asking dozens or hundreds of people to do work, yet paying only one "winner". Graphic designers have rebelled against this, and others in creative industries are also beginning to see that these contests are disrespectful and demeaning.

When I heard that the CBC had decided NOT to pay millions of dollars for a real theme song for its popular Hockey Night in Canada broadcast, but to pay $100,000 to a "contest winner", I was skeptical. I thought this wasn't nearly enough money, especially considering that the composer of the last song was suing CBC for using it without her permission for things like ring tones. A hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money to you and me. It's nothing to the CBC, especially for a theme song for a show like Hockey Night in Canada.

I was even more skeptical when I discovered that they were planning to let the public vote for the winner. It would be just like Canadian Idol, only even more pathetic.

Or so I thought. This was way back when I still believed that a theme song was an important part of a broadcast, something to set the mood for the content that would follow. You see, I mistakenly believed that creative people like producers should select a show's theme song.

I was so, so wrong.

I now see that this is the sort of thing that should be determined through votes on the Internet. CBC's management staff are clearly geniuses. If they hadn't refused to compensate a real composer for her work, none of this would have happened. True talent is the ability to upload MP3s and spam popular web forums.

I should have seen this coming. I mean, CBC appears to be moving away from journalism and toward SEND US YOUR PICTURES! in the news division. I noticed this trend a while ago, but foolishly did not anticipate it jumping the silo into CBC Sports. Chalk this one up to my ignorance of media trends. Clearly, I am no longer on the cutting edge. The true revolutionaries are the guys with mahogany desks at the MotherCorp, the ones who have secretaries to help them log into Gmail.

Well done, CBC management. You are definitely ahead of the curve. Most people wouldn't have come up with an idea this revolutionary, but I guess that's why we pay management at the public broadcaster.

And now for something different

What do you think of this blog design? Is it "me"?

Click the photo to enlarge it on your screen.

East Coast girls are hip

Reader-submitted question: 1) Can you post this video on your blog? 2) Can you do another Being David Hasselhoff contest? I already have ideas for it!

1) Sure.

2) Really? You want me to do another contest?

It was great fun, I'll admit. And I do have some awesome prizes that I could give away to the winners. If I do it again, I will judge it: that way we can have results right away rather than waiting for the Hoff's birthday.

I need to think about this for a bit. Clearly, I would need a new photo of myself. I received rather explicit instructions for re-enacting this photo, but I'm not sure this is that sort of website.

Hockey Scores: Hockey Night in Canada

A meme from Rankin Inlet

Jackie has tagged me for a meme. I am supposed to have my husband tell you three things about me.

This is going to be over very quickly. Steve's mind is still on the oiling incident from the other night.

1. Megan is great with grammar.
2. Megan is a great cook.
3. [CENSORED.]

Sorry. I really can't get into details like that on the blog. Apparently children read this.

Announcing the winner of the Being David Hasselhoff contest

Yes, it has been a long time.

I believe the judge recused herself and forgot to tell me about it. There may not be precedent for this in the Canadian legal system.

(The truth is that the person who agreed to judge the contest, as a person who is qualified to be an actual judge, is a very competent and in-demand lawyer who is busy with real cases.)

Never fear, dear readers. I did not think it would take this long to announce the winners. Next time, I will make sure that the judges in my contests have nothing better to do than peruse photographs and personal stories of touching people who have met David Hasselhoff. However, it is not all in vain. Today is the Hoff's birthday and I can think of no better way to celebrate.

I received a number of excellent entries. As a Canadian, I am required to say that it was difficult to choose, but it really was. There were six entries that stood above the rest. I will review the four honourable mentions and then tell you who won the awe-inspiring prizes.

Honourable mention #1
Ricki's story about ACTUALLY MEETING DAVID HASSELHOFF was incredible. This is the sort of life-changing experience that most of us can only dream about.

Honourable mention #2
Glen's song in which he described himself as David Hasselhoff is True Art. Even now, I occasionally hum it to myself.

Honourable mention #3
Steve's photograph of himself as David Hasselhoff is now infamous. Earlier this week, we were out to dinner with friends who mentioned it. Who WOULDN'T want to turn dinner conversation to the topic of David in drag, I ask you?

Honourable mention #4
Karan's photograph and description of her Hoff addiction came very, very close to winning. However, it could not beat...

RUNNER-UP: WINNER OF A USED DONNY OSMOND CD
Holly's video of a normal evening at her house was featured on The Daily Hasselhoff, the Internet's #1 source for Hasselhoff news. This is roughly equivalent to the front page of the Paper of Record. The attention to costuming and props was admirable and deserves recognition. Congratulations, Holly. When you send me your address, the CD will be in the mail.

GRAND PRIZE: SPACE ON THIS HERE BLOG
As soon as Sarah submitted her video, there was no question who would win. In fact, there were NO ENTRIES after this was posted to the blog. The competition just folded. I especially like the attention to costuming, camera angles, and special effects. This is GENIUS. If you have not seen this video, please click through and watch it. For reference, I have included the original version.

Sarah, you definitely deserve to win. This is not just my opinion: it is the consensus of my readers. There could not be any other winner. Please contact me and we can work out a day for you to take over my blog.

The winner of the Being David Hasselhoff contest...

...will be announced tomorrow night after I get home from work.

Blog Share: Summer Edition

Today's guest blogger will remain anonymous.

Hello Loyal readers, snarky commenters, and anyone attempting to look busy at work by staring at their computer screen,

As Megan mentioned, I am the anonymous blogger participating in the Summer Blog Share and creating a bit of distraction in your day. And yes, I will type this post wearing a mask and donning a cape to conceal my identity. I was prompted to write something I would never submit to my own blog. Unfortunately, I suffer from a self-diagnosed case of unabletokeepadarnsecret-itis and, therefore, have nothing to hide. Like any good journalist-in-training, I did some researching of Megan's blog to see if there were any topics where the perspective of Southern Californian would lend a new perspective. Alas, no.

To keep myself from asking stupid questions about Canada, I will go with what I know best. I am Black (African-American, a little brown spot of happiness, however you choose to reference me), so I thought of going all serious with a discussion of race in the southern United States. But it’s been done. And you don’t care. Then I was going to do a Top 10 of Moments of My Complete and Total Idiocy, simply for the fun of knowing someone out there is genuinely more gullible than you’d ever imagine. But you folks seem far too well-read. That leaves me with what I know best: My complete and utter ignorance of current events.

As much as I love to read books, I simply cannot stomach news programs. The Hubster devours MSNBC, The O’Reilly Factor, Hannity & Colmes as though they were highest point on the food pyramid. The internet homepages usually point to the most salacious stories, which are recounted in such brevity, I forget I even read them. Like the pangs of hunger you get 10 minutes after eating Chinese food. A newspaper? Bad for the environment. Newsweek? Drivel in the news world. I may as well be taking political science at Perez Hilton University. It doesn’t help matters that The Hubster is in some testosterone-induced duel with our cable company.

We planned to get satellite, but our apartment faces a direction that prevents the dish from catching the satellite feed. Yes, that satellite. The one in space that enables me to get cell phone reception in bowels of a gay bar. Go figure. Since our apartment complex has an exclusive contract with the aforementioned cable company, his choices were to go back with tucked tail to get it reconnected or simply go without. Once he solved the equation chatty wife – cable TV= increased need for wife to engage in conversation, he decided to reconnect the cable. Then got called out of state for work. For a month. So I have been without TV for almost 2 months.

Daily, people ask me how I feel about the New Yorker cover feature Michelle and Barack (because, clearly, we are all on a first-name basis), the earthquake in China, the Olympics, or Angelina giving birth to the twins. They all get a shoulder shrug, because I have no idea what’s going on. Other than the hour I spend in the gym reading the closed captioning on summer reruns of What Not To Wear, Law & Order, and Cash Cab; I get no information about anything at all. And I’m OK with it.

I’m OK with it because none of it makes sense to me. Our election is a joke. We don’t vote until November and politicians are liars who will say what they need to say to get elected. Obama didn’t put his hand on his heart ONE TIME during a pledge of allegiance. Gasp! McCain is old. Double Gasp! Cindy McCain plagiarized a recipe from the Food Network? Off with her head! Who the hell cares? If I thought any of the doubletalk that occurred on the campaign trail would cease once the candidate was in office, maybe I would. Until the day someone actually speaks with some integrity, I will continue to vote for the person I believe will lie to me the least. (Let’s be real. I’m voting for Obama because it would be indescribably effing cool to have a Black president).

Earthquake in China. Dude, that sucks. But our economy is in the shitter here, people. Gas costs an arm and a leg a gallon, people who were enticed into impossible loan terms are losing their homes, folks are getting laid off, and our legs may fall off from eating contaminated tomatoes. Oh, and we’re still spending billions of dollars on this 7-year war. I hate to sound selfish, but we got our own stuff to deal with before we start ‘making it rain’ around the world. Not to sound completely uninformed, but couldn’t a portion of the tourism money being brought in from the Olympics be siphoned over to earthquake relief? I’m just asking.

Angelina, Nicole, Jamie-Lynn all have babies. Awesome. Except, don’t women, even (and especially) unwed teenagers, do this every day? Unless their babies are coming out of womb with election results, a war withdrawal plan, and some dough to help our financial crisis; I don’t think I could arouse the energy to care. So don’t cry for me for being out of the loop. If it was important, I’m certain I would catch on a blogroll, text message, email, website homepage, or (gasp!) someone would call me. My ignorance is truly bliss and I will swim in it until the day our television is bombarded with cords and I am unwittingly watching the 2am showing of “Gleaming the Cube” on HBO 74.

Thank you for reading. You will be returned to your regularly scheduled blogger tomorrow. Good night and good luck.

Me

P.S. For those of you who hated this post because you really wanted to hear my Top 10 of Moments of My Complete and Total Idiocy, I’ve leave you with 2. Enjoy!

1. I worked in a Christian Bookstore for a month before I knew it was a Christian Bookstore.
2. I conditioned my genital region for a month because a guy-friend told me men preferred it soft and shiny. (He later told me he was kidding)

Blog Share: Ready, set...

Welcome! Here's the list of Blog Share participants:

Vent Vox
Turn On The Stars
Trudie - Life After AC
Swimming With Sharks
Stefanie Says
Shhh! Librarian-In-Training
Sauntering Soul
Sass Attack
Reflections in the Snow Covered Hills
Red Red Whine
Our Simplicity
One New Duck
Oh My Seven
The Occasional Truth
No Lady
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Muse On Vacation
Messing With Texas
Melliferous Pants
Lizland
Live Work Dream
Just Below 63
Jonniker
Java Literally
Heidikins
Full of Snark
Face Down
Ex Everything
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Did I Say That Outloud?
The Daily Tannenbaum
The Coconut Diaries
Citystreams
Catheroominations
Bright Yellow World
Breath Smiles Tears
And You Know What Else
Alyndabear
3 Carnations

Blog Share allows people to write things they normally would not post on their own blogs. There are a lot of reasons people don't want to post things on their own sites: it's not all about backstabbing and secrets. I always have a lot of fun during Blog Share, and I think you will, too. My anonypost will go up tonight, and I have posted something anonymously on one of these sites. I will not be blogging again until Thursday.

New readers, I'm thrilled that you are here. I'm a wife and mom from the Canadian Arctic. (Have you ever seen Ice Road Truckers? That's where I live.) I blog about many things, including grammar, journalism and David Hasselhoff. If you like what you see here, please consider subscribing to my RSS feed.

Lest they trample them under their feet

Reader-submitted cartoon: I am only sending this because it is cute. It is not a commentary.

I see.

This reader has been sending me cartoons for months, all with the not-so-subtle message that bloggers are losers. I am only posting this because he is trained in the use of riot gear and pepper spray, so I don't want to know what would happen if I ended up on his bad side.

Since you guys clearly think that I am a weirdo who has absolutely no effect on the world, I will tell you that I am getting ready for the blog share. That means that there will be a few new people around here for the next couple of days. I hope some of them will want to stick around and maybe even leave their own reader-submitted complaints.

The blog share is on Wednesday. Tomorrow I will post a list of the participants: please consider going through the links. My post will be on one of those sites. I already know who is hosting my anonypost and who will be posting here. They are both great bloggers, so I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

FIIIIIRRRSSSTTTT!!11!!!

Reader-submitted: I was the first to view and comment on your video.

Yeah, you were.

And you're just going to waste this opportunity? You've got my attention. The only thing you want to say is that you left me a comment? Man, you are boring.

This was your chance to tell the world something about yourself, and you have let us down.

What a shame.

Who's up for some self-denigration?

For some reason, Saskboy volunteered to be savaged by the guys at Ask And Ye Shall Receive, who, predictably, savaged him:

"From all accounts I’ve gathered in my sleuthing of this analogy, anal-sex is uncomfortable, at least at first; Abandoned Stuff is the blog-equivalent of banal-sex, in which the adrenaline-gland is dry-humped by the flaccid cock of mediocrity, and, holy fucking hell, I’ll put that up against anal-sex on the "uncomfortable" scale any goddamn day of the week."

As a Canadian, I was at first horrified by this comparison, but then became intrigued as I considered the possibilities. I think we should all come up with similar descriptions of our blogs, although ours should be grammatically correct. I'm totally serious. I'll get you started, but I want you to post yours in the comments:

Reading Megan's blog is like having my nipples twisted: I'm slightly turned on, but it's completely lost in the pain and my horror that it's actually happening.

I might make that the tag line for my blog when I move over to snowcoveredhills.com.

Your turn.

Halifax

You request, I respond

Reader-submitted question: Is there a picture of the Grammar Nazi on waterskis?

I get it. You guys think you can just request photos of me in a bikini, all wet and panting from exertion, and I will simply upload them to the Internet.

You know, the last time I did something similar, I received a number of complaints about posting "half-naked photos" of myself online. People are STILL complaining.

This is probably a bad idea, but here goes:

Maine

Michael had so much fun on the tube, we could hear him screaming from across the lake. Don't worry: my dad is already going deaf from his years as a guitarist in noisy dance halls. He will probably not be able to prove that this particular incident contributed to his hearing loss.

This is my sister-in-law, Sarah. You know her as the Blueberry Princess.

This is my grandmother: my mom's mom.

My uncle was kind enough to host us at his camp.

We finally got Steve onto the tube, but I couldn't convince him to go skiing.

Blog Share: Summer Edition

The next blog share will be next week, and I will be participating. This means two things:

1) A stranger will be blogging here anonymously. It will be something he or she would not normally post on his or her own blog.
2) I will be posting anonymously on someone else's blog. It will be something I would not normally post here.

If you recognise yourself, you may at least be comforted by the knowledge that nobody else will recognise you. Well, other than the people who recognise you instantly. BWAHAHAHAHA. Yes, I know what I am going to write about.

If you want to be a part of the blog share, there's still time to sign up: just get in touch with -R-. Several of my readers did it last time, and I think they all really enjoyed it.

This should really be on the Uriel blog

Reader-submitted question: I'm not sure how you are taking Edward Current's comments. As I watched this video, it became apparent that Ed is being facetious. For one thing, he calls the Bible "unerrant." The word used by those of this opinion is "inerrant." For another, he blatantly points out conflicting instructions given in the Bible and just says (and I paraphrase), "Accept the contradictions and act accordingly." No inerrantist would say this. They would claim very loudly that there are no *real* contradictions in the Bible, only *apparent* contradictions. They would then go through a great song and dance explaining why the contradictions aren't "really" contradictions.

So my question is, are you a biblical inerrantist or not? If you are, then I can see why Ed's video is bothering you. If you are not, then maybe you aren't picking up on his facetious tone, and you are bothered by the fact that the Bible might be inerrant but that you haven't believed this up until now, and you are wondering if God will condemn you for your lack of inerrantist belief.

Yeah, this should definitely be on the Uriel blog, but I don't want to break character over there.

Edward Current is a satirist. He and Uriel have a lot in common: many people think they are serious. They are not. It is all in jest.

Uriel is currently going through a crisis that was brought on when she showed kindness to a traveling missionary. When she meets people who follow other religions, she usually spits on them and tells them they are going to hell. For some reason, she actually listened to this guy's stories and realised that he has a holy book that says the entire book is true. She is not sure how to handle this. She is comforting herself by spending even more time than usual on the Internet, trying to find someone who will tell her what to believe. She thinks Edward Current is her soulmate. In a way, I guess he is.

I'll bring Uriel back when I figure out what to do with her, I promise. However, your questions still deserve answers.

Uriel is an inerrantist. She is also a member of a splinter sect that meets only on the Internet and uses the Bible along with several other "holy" books that have been passed along through the generations. Of course, they all exist only on the Internet. She believes that the hard copies were destroyed by the government because they were TOO TRUE. She also believes that you cannot trust hard copies, because they have both jots AND tittles. Online versions, on the other hand, are completely electronic and much more accurate.

Everything in those books (well, websites) is 100% true. None of it is metaphorical. As you point out, she goes through a song and dance trying to figure out how it can all be true when it clearly isn't.

I personally am not an inerrantist. Thanks for your question.

Back in Canada

This will be brief. We are in Halifax, and it is a lovely place. I lived here for four years while I was working on my degree, and my first job after graduation was at the MotherCorp station here in town. I love it.

We left Maine this morning and had breakfast at the Governor's in Bangor. It's a family tradition -- we used to stop there for breakfast and then drive home to Newfoundland. We had breakfast with my parents, who fly back to Florida tomorrow morning.

My parents were very surprised. I can't believe we kept our visit a secret for so long. Only my brother Matt (AKA Torq, AKA Philosopher King) and my uncle Rick knew we were coming. It was great.

I have Internet access here, but will probably not be back to regular posting for a few days. I want to walk in the public garden and look at the beautiful trees.

It's been ten years

Happy anniversary, Steve.

And happy Independence Day, American readers.

Far, far away

I apologise for disappearing: if I had posted about this, I would have given away the surprise I was plotting for my parents. I am in rural Maine and access to the Internet is nonexistent at the family cabin. I set up a few scheduled posts, but I won't be as accessible as I usually am. I'll be back in Canada next week.

Happy Canada Day