Bleh.

It has been a terrible week. I'm tired and more than a little drunk. No post tonight. I'll be back tomorrow.

WARNING WARNING: If you are, for example, my parents, you probably won't think this video is funny. I, on the other hand, adore low-brow comedy, especially the We Are The World reference.

Ahhhhh!!!

One of Chris Leavins' cult followers has done a mash-up of ME. Thanks, Bo in Alberta. This is amazing work, and I am truly flattered.

"Scary, yes, scary is the word."

Reader-submitted question: Why would you want to do an impression of this pic? Why would it even cross your mind?

I think a better question would be why I wouldn't want to do an impression of this, the greatest image in the history of modern photography.

I got the idea while I was at work about a month ago. Once I thought of it, I couldn't stop giggling. It was really fun to set up, although it turns out that this photo is harder to imitate than it would initially seem. I was trying to imitate the Hoff's come-hither look, but those photos were more disturbing than you can imagine. They did not look like they were supposed to be funny, even when I put them next to the original. They looked like they belonged in the type of magazine that comes in a black plastic bag. I mean, the type of magazine that I hear comes in a black plastic bag. Not that I go looking for magazines like that or have experience with that sort of photo. Not at all.

The point is that if you are thinking about posting a picture of yourself on the Internet, it probably shouldn't look like the sort of photo that I assume would be printed in that type of magazine. My dad reads this blog. And if you take soft-core pictures of yourself, it's harder to pass them off as a joke. So I decided to go with the Hoff's signature intense stare instead of the leer you see in the image above. You can only go so far with cleavage and boy shorts before people stop seeing the humour in the situation and start to get really, really freaked out.

Thanks for your question.

P.S. I am incredibly saddened by the fact that I had to tell you that this was a joke. Really, do I have to lay it all out for you? Why wouldn't you be able to figure this out for yourself? There must be some sort of treatment for Humour Impairment.

Blog Swap

Today's guest blogger will remain anonymous.

I've never been depressed before. I've never come close to being depressed before. I can't even stay angry at people for more than about 2 hours, much less in a bad mood for any length of time. I've read Dooce for years, though, and thanks to her honest writing about the subject, I feel like I understand more than I used to how depression works. How it must feel, and how helpless people are when tortured by a disease that they don't want, don't understand, and can't adequately treat. I thought I had compassion and understanding and a better grasp of how to react if ever faced with it.

My best friend is depressed, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what to do for her, and I don't know what to do for me.

She's actively being treated. She's on medication, and in therapy. It's not doing a lot of good. I found out after the fact that she had had suicidal thoughts for weeks - had an entire plan worked out, in fact, and was days away from going through with it - before she mentioned it to her therapist, who changed her medication instantly. I wouldn't have known if she hadn't told me about it later. If her therapist hadn't asked the right questions, I wouldn't have known until she was dead. How can that be? I should have known.

When I'm around her, she seems fine. When she's not fine, she won't see me. I try to press the issue and force her to keep her plans with me, force her to let me come over and watch bad tv with her. Should I just show up? When she doesn't want me there? I thought it would at least be helpful if someone else was there, to draw her out, make her not sit around thinking awful thoughts by herself.

I want her to know I'm here for her.

But then I wonder.. am I? We've all got a lot of shit going on in our lives. If she needed me to drop everything and help out, would I? I like to answer yes, to myself. But shouldn't I be doing more, in that case? Should I be showing up at her house uninvited, forcing everyone to be cheery? Should I drive by her house every day and pound on the door until she answers, then force her to get out of bed and go to work? What would I do when she doesn't answer the door? Break in? Give up? Try again the next day?

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Getting it all out is nice. Maybe if anyone reading this has suffered depression, you can let me know what your friends did that genuinely helped. Let me know how to be a good friend right now. My previous experience with Being A Good Friend hasn't covered this contingency.

Blog Swappers

The Adventures of Shelagh
Alice’s Wonderland
Alyndabear
And You Know What Else
Bright Yellow World
Daily Tannenbaum
Du Wax Loolu
Elise
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Face Down
Fretting the Small Stuff
For the Long Run
Galoot’s Hoot Page
Granted Null
Grumpy Frump
Just Below 63
Lawyerish
Life After AC
Liz Land
Malfeasance
Mamma Ren
Muse On Vacation
Muze News
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Not What You Think It Is
One New Duck
Rankin Inlet: A Journey Northwards
Red Red Whine
Reflections in the Snow-Covered Hills
The Reluctant Blogger
Sass Attack
Sauntering Soul
Sparkling Cipher
Stefanie Says
Three Carnations
Tracy Out Loud
Way Way Up

My secret is on one of these blogs, and one of these bloggers wrote the guest post that will be going up at midnight. Please take some time to look through them. I'm pleased to see that some of my favourite bloggers are taking part in the swap, along with some I've never heard of before.

Newcomers: Welcome! You can subscribe to my RSS feed in a reader or by e-mail. I hope you'll stick around.

A quick note about tomorrow

Tomorrow's post will be written by a Secret Guest. I will be posting on someone else's blog. It is part of a blog swap involving writers from several different countries. What fun! I'll post a full list of participants tonight so you can check out all of the anonymous posts in the morning. The best thing about the blog swap is that you're sure to find at least one new blog that you really like. Remember that tomorrow's posts are swapped, so if you're looking for a new blog, make sure you read through several days' worth of posts.

I still have to work on my entry, so I will leave you with yesterday's episode of Cute With Chris, my favourite weekly Internet show. It shows the fallout from last week's episode, which was "flagged by YouTube's user community" thanks to Pervy the Perverted Plastic Horse. Pervy is not to be confused with Colty the Plastic Horse, who loves Jesus, pantsuits, towels and murder, not always in that order. In general, I think YouTube's "flagging" system works very well at keeping people from accidentally stumbling on graphic depictions of sex and violence. However, it would seem that Cute With Chris does not fall into one of those (admittedly general) categories, at least not on days when he's not severing his right foot.

Secret, secret, I got a secret

Reader-submitted question: Can you explain journalistic privilege?

Sure. This is going to be very short. There is no such thing as journalistic privilege.

That was easier than you thought, wasn't it?

Now, of course I'm going to explain more. This was a serious question, and I'm going to give it the respect it deserves.

The first thing I'm going to tell you is that if you really want to know about privilege, you should talk to a lawyer, not to me. The side benefit there would be that the lawyer wouldn't be able to tell anyone that you asked the question. (HAHAHAHA.)

Privilege means that when you give information to a person who is covered by the privilege, that person will keep your secret within certain limits. For example, when you talk to your lawyer, he or she will not tell other people what you said. Or if you're a different type of person, your lawyer might visit your house, root around in the ceiling and discover videotapes of you and your spouse drugging and raping teenagers. When your lawyer is eventually charged with obstruction of justice for hanging onto the tapes, he'll be acquitted and disciplinary charges will be withdrawn.

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL: I IN NO WAY RECOMMEND RAPING PEOPLE OR TELLING ANYONE THAT YOU HAVE VIDEOTAPED YOURSELF RAPING PEOPLE. I DO NOT RECOMMEND HIDING EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND. I’M ALSO PRETTY SURE THAT THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT NOW.)

 

Journalists have claimed that they have a similar privilege. They usually mean that they'll tell everyone what you said (and broadcast those tapes they found in your ceiling), but they won't tell anyone who you are. The reporter's privilege is usually only mentioned when it comes to revealing the name of a confidential source, like Deep Throat.

Reporters claim this, but it isn't true. They don't really have a special privilege like lawyers do. What they call "reporter's privilege" has the same result for the person with the secret, but not for the reporter. It refers to the reporter's conscious decision to defy a court order that would otherwise force him or her to reveal information. Again, this is usually the name of a confidential source, but it could also be things like the reporter's notes and original research.

Journalistic privilege hits the Canadian news about once a year. Journalists' favourite stories always involve themselves, but they also care deeply about establishing it as an honest-to-goodness type of privilege, so they always cover court cases that involve other reporters. I think it's unlikely that they'll ever be successful, but it's interesting to watch anyway. They usually don't actually end up in jail: their employers are typically fined for contempt of court.

There’s one other important consideration. As a lawyer friend of mine pointed out today: Privilege attaches not to the lawyer, but to the client. That's why we can never tell anyone what a client told us, even when we stop working for them or they die - because only the client can waive the privilege. The privilege is totally for their benefit, not ours.

When journalists try to argue that they have a reporter’s privilege, they’re doing it for their own benefit, not for yours. They believe that their industry depends on the ability of the press to keep certain information from ever becoming public, even when ordered by a judge. They feel that they won’t get as many scoops if sources are worried about being “outed”. This is definitely an argument I can accept up to a certain point, but it is not even close to the same thing as solicitor-client privilege. Your lawyer doesn’t keep your secrets so he’ll get more business.

Thanks for your question.

Does time make you bolder?

Reader-submitted question: Did you name your blog after the Stevie Nicks song?

Yes, sort of.

This question comes up every few months as new readers find their way here.

I have read that "I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills" was originally intended as a cocaine reference, but I've also read that it wasn't. The lesson here is probably that cocaine addicts don't really know what they're saying and it's best not to read too much into it.

It doesn't matter, though. I think it's a particularly good name for my blog for a number of reasons, the most obvious being that this is a personal blog that's written in the north. If you've ever explored my links list, you've probably noticed that most of the "northern" blogs have a reference to the north in their titles. I don't really think of this as a northern blog -- I've been here too long to pull off the wide-eyed-newcomer shtick -- but I guess technically it is. On another level, it's a song about a woman who is thinking about making changes in her life and watching other changes go on around her, and I really identify with that. I think most people can.

I've been workin' on the railroad, not quite all the live-long day. Actually, I haven't worked at all. Pay me, please.

Rob & Tina had an excellent observation about the way many people here seem to feel about work:

So, the way I see it is that there are a select few people in town that need money and want to work. Everyone else simply wants money, and if they HAVE to work to get it, so be it, but it's on THEIR terms.

This is what I've been thinking for the past eight years, except that I wasn't able to sum it up nearly as coherently. I moved Up There less than a year after I graduated, and I couldn't believe the number of jobs that were available for the pickin', but nobody would pick them. Steve and I are from the east coast, where you take any job anybody will offer you and where fifteen bucks an hour is a good wage. If you're lucky enough to get a job, you work hard. It would never occur to you to show up only on days you felt like working.

Attitudes are slightly different here. OK, they're a lot different. If you don't feel like working, you just don't show up. Your employer can't do anything about it, because everyone else seems to feel the same way.

Does this sound crazy? That's because it is.

Newfoundlanders are known around here as the hardest-working people a boss can hire. I think it's because we come from a place where it's just expected that you'll work if you're lucky enough to get a job.

There are so many jobs here that nobody's ever had to worry that they won't get one. It's just a given: if you want to work, there will be a job for you. My brother-in-law used to be a substitute teacher at the high school Up There, and one day he came home and told us that he'd tried to talk the kids into taking school seriously because they would need to get jobs soon. They told him that they didn't need to study or to know anything at all, because they were guaranteed jobs in the oil & gas industry.

It's pretty depressing, isn't it?

Who ARE you?

Reader-submitted question: Is it just me, or do you know a lot of lawyers and jail guards?

Yes. I also know a lot of police officers, probation officers and court staff.

Blog Share: Last Chance

I know you want to be part of it, and you have to commit by Monday. Just head over to -R-'s blog and sign up. Wednesday is the big day.

You can do the blog share even if you don't post on your blog very often. All you need is a post you don't want to put on your own blog. It's a lot of fun and you're sure to find some great new writers.

Dear Grampy,

You are very good at writing sentences.

If something's real, that means it's real. Sometimes you can't see things that are real. But they're still real. But sometimes people make up stories, and that isn't real. And if it isn't real, I can't believe it. That is why I do not believe in angels. I think it is just a story.

I want some things to be real, but they're not, so I do not believe them. I cannot believe it if it isn't real.

From Michael

Why didn’t I see this coming?

Dear everyone,

My mom says if there’s no tooth fairy, I don’t get money for my teeth. I want to get money, but I can’t believe it if it isn’t real.

Now I am thinking that maybe there is no such thing as angels. I think they might just be a story.

My mom says that my grampy has studied a lot and he is sure there are angels, but I think maybe he made a mistake. I think he might just think that because he is a church person. Church people might believe things that aren’t real. I like to go and watch church sometimes when my grampy is there, but I’m not a church person. I do like the bread at church. It would be good to have bread like that that was the size of my house. It would probably take me three days to eat it all.

If it isn’t real, I can’t believe in it. I can only believe in things that are real. Things like Cleopatra that are in books about real things. I know that Cleopatra was real. There are some books that are just stories and some books that are about things that are real.

Maybe angels aren’t real. I don’t know that for sure, but I don’t know how I would find out. I don’t think God needs guards. That doesn’t make sense. And I am pretty sure that angels are guards for God.

From Michael

Happy birthday, Cindy

Happy birthday, Glen

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

Reader-submitted question: I am impressed with Flame of God: didn't think there was that much fire & brimstone that close to the pole, but you seem to be carrying the torch admirably (heh). I have to wonder, though, how many of the people you are targeting actually appreciate which side of the skewer they are on, god bless 'em.

Interesting question. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Uriel's about fundies, not your normal mainstream Christians. I happen to know several of these, and they are quick to distance themselves from the personality you'll see over there. They'll send me messages that are clearly intended to reassure me that they're not fundies, like Ha Ha! That was hilarious! or Man, those people rot my socks. Thanks for pointing out that they're hypocrites.

Uriel popped into my head the day after the 2006 American election. I used to keep those posts here on this site, but I set up the other blog about a year ago after lots of people didn't get the joke. Somehow they were able to see that the Hasselhoff worship is all in fun, but they knew or knew of too many people like Uriel to be sure that it was satire.

Her blog gets almost no comments, so I honestly don't know what her readers think of it. A few Christians have contacted me to say that it's insulting or completely unrealistic. Most of the posts are based on something somebody's saying or doing, so I don't accept that it's unrealistic. I think the people who don't like Uriel would be better off dealing directly with the real-life fundies who are making their entire religion look bad.

Uriel doesn't specify which religion she's in, but she's based on real people in North America, so that doesn't leave many options available. That said, I don't consider her a true Christian, and neither would my friends who call themselves Christians.

Thanks for your question.

Happy birthday, Alison

Worth what you paid for it

Reader-submitted question: I need some free communications advice. My boss made a mistake and now nobody can get past it. We're doing everything the right way now, but everyone's still upset about what happened a while ago. I am pretty sure this is a communication problem. How can I make people be reasonable? This is wrecking all of our work. I mean, I can barely get anything done because people are mad about something that's not even an issue any more.

Hmmm.

You know, this doesn't sound like something you should be trying to fix with free communications advice you got off the Internet. This sounds like something you'll need your own communications person for. I'm sure you can find someone to help out. There HAS to be someone out there who's disillusioned and looking for a change.

I will give you some advice to hold you over until you can hire someone, though. Everything I am about to say is based on an assumption that whatever happened wasn't actually illegal or incredibly horrible. I'm guessing that it was just a mistake and not, for example, the sort of thing I don't want to write about on my blog because I don't want to become the queen of Google. I'm also guessing that people aren't rioting, they're just angry.

First, you're making it sound like this is someone else's problem. It's not. When you don't communicate effectively, it's your problem. It's not the other person's job to make sure he or she understands you; it's your job to make sure you're understood. You need to stop thinking that people are unreasonable.

You're also trying to move beyond whatever the problem was without really addressing it. You're a step ahead of your audience. When you've made a big mistake, you can't get past it in a hurry. You need to apologise and apologise and apologise. You need to wallow in it. You need to humble yourself before you can move on.

Yeah, I know: your boss doesn't want to humble himself (herself?). Too bad. If he doesn't humble himself, other people will do it for him and he'll probably end up getting fired. It's hard to give specific advice without really knowing the details, so I will simply say that the way your boss does this will depend on the situation. Maybe you need to call a public meeting. Maybe you need to buy ads in the paper. Maybe you need to meet privately with representatives of whatever group is upset with you. Maybe you need to donate a large sum of money to an appropriate local cause. Maybe you need to set up a watchdog organization. Most likely, you'll need to do several of these things several times and add on a few other things that are appropriate to the situation.

Whatever you do, your message will be I am sorry. What happened was wrong. It was not up to the standards you expect of me, and not up to the standards I expect of myself. I will totally understand if you have lost confidence in me. I want you to know that I have learned from this experience, and I promise that this will never happen again. I will prove this by (pick an appropriate way to prove it -- ideally, let the angry people pick it). From now on, things will be different. Starting now, I will (list the things you plan to do, and let the angry people add a few things to the list).

You see, you've missed a step. You can't force people to believe in you after they start to think you're a screw-up. You have to earn their trust, and it's going to take some time. They have to know that you know you screwed up.

You're going to have to wallow for a long time. This won't be over in a two-hour public meeting. After that, you are going to have to prove that things are different. How you prove it will, again, depend on the situation. It's a good idea to let the angry people choose how you'll prove it. This has three advantages: it gives them some feeling of control, humbles your boss, and makes it less likely that they'll actually call for your boss's head. Then, only after lots of proving that you're really sorry, you can get on to your normal work. If you don't do this, other people will keep bringing up whatever happened, and you won't be able to get any work done.

Do you think your boss would be willing to do this?

Dear Grampy,

There's no kids allowed to read this.

How would I be able to explain it when I don't even know what the tooth fairy looks like? I don't even know if she is real or not.

I don't believe in the tooth fairy. Nice try but I think you are trying to trick me. My dreams are NOT real. When you are dreaming, you only think it's happening, but it's really not. Someone's just tricking you and making it seem like it's real. But really it isn't.

My mom tells me things and then I just get the idea. Just like when my mom said she got me a Wii, so I don't need a DS. Then I knew that Santa Claus wasn't real. All of the adults were tricking me and the other kids. I think the tooth fairy is like that. I think it's a story that adults say.

I will never believe in the tooth fairy. I KNOW there's no such thing. TELL ME. TELL ME. There's no such thing as a Santa and no such thing as an Easter bunny. THAT EXPLAINS IT. THERE CAN'T BE ONE. Santa Claus is like the king and he isn't real. How can the tooth fairy be real?

From Michael
Problem Fixed

Michael's crisis of faith

Dear everyone,

I made this video because I am pretty sure my mom is lying to me. Is the tooth fairy real or not? I think not. But I want you to tell me for sure, because my mom won't say.

From Michael